I Am Free!

The wind between my toes, my hair dangling, tossing in the breeze. My little legs pumping back, then forth to pick up speed. There is nothing quite like a swing. Even now, as an adult, I seek out the giant swings at the amusement park. To feel the wind between my toes once again. To feel like I'm flying. To feel like I'm free.

Freedom usually comes with a price.

I have battled through the years, chains that bind. I have fought and struggled with the entwining chains of another. Like a knot in a necklace chain, love, for me, has meant helping untangle the mess.

For many of us, we don't even see the chains anymore. They have become our way of life.

The price of freedom is usually suffering and sacrifice. It's never easy to look at ourselves in the mirror and see who we really are. It takes work to break chains, to be free from the idols that enslave us.

I have a friend, named Frank, who is fasting. Through prayer and counsel decided to give up, for a time, an oppressing idol. To instead focus on areas that have been neglected because of this chain and experience a healthier balance. I deeply respect Frank's courage because this was not something that was easy for him to do. What resulted by my friend doing this was freedom. I have never seen such joy and abandon in Frank. Emptying himself, released him.

It's a common thought that if we give something up it will leave a void. That we will miss it and we may not be able to go on without it. But I have observed just the opposite. Giving something up that is right to give can be very filling. The reason we hold so tightly to things is because of fear. We white-knuckle grasp things, our spouse, our children, our idols, because we don't want to let them go. We don't know what will happen when we do. When we allow the bird out of the cage to fly, will it come back? This is the essence of trust. To let go and let God. I think we would all be surprised what God may have in store for us if we would just let go.

There are many definitions for freedom. Freedom is a state of being where we are no longer confined, controlled, or restrained. Freedom means being free from bondage.

What is keeping you from experiencing freedom? What are you afraid of?

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. JOHN 8:36

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Multitude Monday:

I am thankful for...

--the freedom I have to be who I am (chains, baggage, and all)

--the freedom to do things I feel called to do without guilt

--the freedom to express my thoughts and share my heart with friends who do not judge

--the freedom and healing I have experienced by facing my issues face on

--the freedom from binding chains I have had the privilege and honor to witness in other's lives

Why Me?

There are a lot of movies out there about going back and changing history. In "Back to the Future", teenager Marty McFly is accidentally sent back in time to when his parents were young. Marty inadvertently causes his mother to fall in love with him instead of his own father which could change the whole course of history, including his very own existence.

In "The Butterfly Effect", Evan Treborn can travel back in time to inhabit his younger self and change the present, but there are unintended consequences. There always are.

I shared some of my story before. But difficult, tragic, heartbreaking things happen every day to any one of us.

And we have all asked, "Why me?"

I heard "A Thousand Things" by Christa Wells today and it struck such a deep chord. This song rings with truth and my heart is overwhelmed because this is my story...or at the very least, what I have always desired and prayed would come from it. That we would find beauty in the ashes.

There is a purpose for everything. There are no coincidences. We might wish we could go back and change history, like Marty McFly, but as most time travelers learn, changing things in the past effects the present, the future. We question things because we only have part of the whole story. And we cannot see how our actions, at each moment of our lives, could be effecting someone else (in a positive way). We know struggles hurt and we may not always understand why things happen, but be assured that good can come from something ugly. God can redeem anything.

So in the midst of the struggle, cling to God's truth and promises and trust Him to work it out.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
ROMANS 8:28

A THOUSAND THINGS by Christa Wells

You’re gonna cry yourself to sleep

You’re gonna soak the pillow
for many weeks

You’re gonna cry
Why?
Why me?

But in spite of the ache
that doesn’t go away

You’ll be sharing your story
one rainy day

And at the next table somebody catches your words

He hears a truth that he’s never heard

He takes it back to the marriage he’d given up on

Hands it down to his daughter
who writes it into song

You didn’t know


A thousand things are happening in this one thing

Like a thousand fields nourished by a single drop of rain

So honey, wrap yourself in promise
while you wait the morning light

A thousand things are happening tonight


You’re gonna cry yourself to sleep

‘cause for the moment all that you can see

Is what you’ve lost, lost
Why me?

But in the midst of the most exquisite pain

you’re drawn into a peace that you cannot explain

and the praises you sing of a sovereign God

reach the girl whose last hope is gone

she never thought there was purpose in anything here

now the seed has been planted and it’s taking root there

You didn’t know


You’re gonna cry yourself to sleep

A thousand miracles you’ll have to wait and see

To pause blog music, scroll to bottom of page.

Stop the Infernal Squeaking!

It can really be a little thing that makes all the difference!

For the past few weeks (or more) our caravan has been making a wretched noise, in the morning when it's cold, when I turn the wheel...squeak, squeak, squeaking all the day long. I know that noise was grating on me because it meant something needed to be fixed. I had hoped with the purchase of the van last February we would have ensured a repair-less year (we haven't had one of those in awhile). Needless to say, the noise was getting on my nerves and I was putting off the inevitable.

Yesterday, as we pulled into our parking lot at church, my husband made an exaggerated turn of the wheel and brought my attention to the fact that it was no longer making that horrid noise. A miracle! Well, not exactly. Apparently the van was sorely lacking power steering fluid and since my husband had filled it up the noise had stopped.

I hadn't asked him to do anything about the sound, other then remarking at how annoying it was. I figured we would have it fixed when we take it for inspection in March so I didn't press.

Today as I drove my son to school and myself to errands I found myself smiling. Not because I had just won the lottery, but because my van was no longer squeaking. Oh, my goodness it certainly is a little thing that made a big difference to me.

I know the secret to a wife's contentment! Know her heart. Anticipate her needs. Love her without promptings.

I know the secret to a husband's contentment! When you notice the "little things" your husband does for you, particularly without asking, when your heart is full because of something he did or something he does, then TELL HIM! Encourage him with words of affirmation that his actions brought you joy. Not because he needs to hear how great he is, but because you are thankful and it is loving to share that with him.

Last Tuesday, as I was driving home from helping in my son's classroom, I was overwhelmed with contentment. I felt so thankful that I could spend that hour with the kids. I drove home to work on editing a video project. I contemplated my week ahead and the "freedom" I have as a stay-at-home Mom and again, a wave of contentment. I called my husband and I thanked him. Thanked him that because he gets up early, works hard as a remodeler, sacrifices time and energy to provide for our family's needs, I can be at home for my kids, I can volunteer in the classroom, I can take photographs of families, I can edit video projects that inspire me, I can have this beautiful life that I have and not feel guilty about it. That he supports what I do and encourages me to do what I love.

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I am thankful today...

--That my husband fixed that squeaky noise on the caravan without me asking, nagging, or prompting.

--That 3 of the 4 holes in my ceiling (remnants from doing our roof at Thanksgiving time) are now filled up.

--For the freedom to be a stay-at-home Mom and the opportunity to do things that I love because of my husband's sacrifice and support.

--For the cheerful yellow of a daffodil bloom in my front yard in February.

--For Christa Wells, Audrey Assad, Jason Gray, and Kari Jobe who's worshipful music stirs my heart and reminds me of His truth!

--For a healthy weekend, a reprieve from the stomach bug and winter colds.

--For close friends that share life and are willing to be vulnerable.

--For blessings that come from obediently following God's leadings and the strength to do the hard thing.

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Enjoy It Today or Enjoy It Never

"Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like I'm on borrowed time" (Jason Gray, "Good to be Alive").

There once was a man who while at work eagerly awaited his return home. This same man would plan and long for the day vacation would finally come and he would have a week of restful, quality time with his family. This man would plan the details of romantic dates with his wife. He had a vision of what it would be like and he looked to it with eager anticipation. But whenever the time he awaited finally arrived he got distracted. Either the details of the plans got in the way, or someone else's mood, or perhaps the idea of it all was much more exciting then what actually was. It was like he forgot how to live in the moment. Instead of enjoying himself and relishing in his family, the moments passed by without relevance and his precious time was squandered.

Perhaps it is human nature to live in constant anticipation, but if we are always looking ahead to what is to come, what are we missing in the present?

I've been reading a devotional (highly recommend) by Jen Hatmaker called "Out of the Spin Cycle". In her chapter named, "Today is Tomorrow's Yesterday" she writes about Exodus 16 and how the Israelites were wandering in the desert without food or drink. The Lord told Moses, “I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions" (Exodus 16:4). Everyone had as much as they needed and whatever they didn't eat that day would spoil (Exodus 16:17-20).

Hatmaker's take on this passage is this:

"Don't obsess about tomorrow. Live in this day, without worrying about what you'll do or need later. What is nourishment today will be spoiled by tomorrow. Enjoy it today or enjoy it never."

Life is short. It feels like just yesterday when my children were babies. When they were under my care all day. In each phase of life I have struggled to not look with anticipation to the next phase; the end of breastfeeding, done with the diapers, able to dress and feed themselves, preschool, full-day kindergarten... Once we reached those milestones new ones take their places; middle school, pre-teen attitudes, pimples, heartbreak, learning to drive. Oh, my! I don't even want to go there yet!

The loves in my life will not always be here. I don't want to look with anticipation to the future and miss what is happening right now, today. I don't want to be so busy worrying about tomorrow that I forget the beauty of today. I don't want to squander my opportunities and allow myself to become so distracted by life that I don't take the opportunity to snuggle my sick seven-year old or play a video game with my nine-year old. You can't go back. You don't get a do-over on those opportunities. Your time is precious, if not to you then to someone who loves you. Be here, now.

Valentine's Day is just another reason to stop, take it all in, and appreciate who you have. Celebrate the loves in your life.

"Enjoy it today or enjoy it never."

Accepted - Ant. refused, denied, nullified

"At the heart of personality is the need to feel a sense of being lovable without having to qualify for that acceptance."
--Paul Tournier

In 2010, my husband was working on a bible study about understanding your wife's heart. One of the questions he asked me was, "When do you feel most accepted by me?" It was the first time I had really contemplated what it meant to be "accepted". Did he mean as a person, as a woman, as his wife? I remember I answered the question by telling him 2 occasions when I have felt unaccepted, but I continued to think about it even after our initial conversation was over.

I learned that "accepted" means to be "taken, received, assumed, approved, adopted, recognized, endorsed, verified, acclaimed, welcomed, engaged, hired, claimed, delivered, used, employed, affirmed, upheld, authorized, preferred, acknowledged, accredited, allowed, settled, established, sanctioned, unopposed, customary, authentic, confirmed, chosen, acceptable, popular" (Webster's New World Thesaurus).

When you really think about it, being or feeling accepted is probably one of the strongest desires we have relationally as human beings. Doesn't everyone want to be welcomed, recognized, affirmed, acknowledged, and chosen? I want that, not just from my husband, but from other people. Sometimes we act as though we don't care what anyone else thinks. We may withdraw, build walls, act eccentric, and even say we don't care, but "Adam" was lonely without "Eve" and I have to believe that deep within it hurts to not feel accepted, no matter who you are.

Daily we give people the power to determine whether we are acceptable or not! Unless we have a healthy dose of self-esteem and confidence in who we are the words & actions of people can really rock your world. And likewise, we judge, criticize, and condemn others for being who they are. Who are we to decide whether someone else is acceptable or not?

After much thought, the answer to Adam's bible study question became more obvious to me. I feel most accepted by him when I feel loved. I am loved and accepted when I feel like it's okay to be me. Acceptance is giving someone the grace to be who they are inspite or despite their mistakes and their quirky, annoying habits. And it's the same grace we hope others will extend to us under the same circumstances.

"Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God." ROMANS 15:7

Accepting someone does not mean enabling or denying their sins. We are not to judge or hold their sins against them, but we can still love them. The Bible calls us to "speak the truth to each other" (ZECHARIAH 8:15 NIV). "If someone is trapped in sin, you should gently lead that person back to the right path...offer each other a helping hand" (GALATIANS 6:1-2 CEV).

God loves you and accepts you, all the time, unconditionally. We practice love by doing the same, loving others not because of who they are or what they do, but simply because they are.


This is an edited re-post from 2010.

Love Extravagantly

"[Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres" (1 Corinthians 13:7).

"How do we love in difficult places?", Ann Voskamp asks. Is it as simple as the words of 1 Corinthians 13?

During trying times I usually find my way back to...self. Protecting myself, trusting in myself, hoping in myself. Old habits die hard. But that's not what love is.

In Matthew 22:37-39 Jesus tells us to “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself." Notice how it doesn't say love yourself?

Why is it when difficulties come it is so easy to forget about love?

"For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him" (Matthew 12:34-35). It's because I feel. I get caught up, caught up in myself and my own fears and hurts. I forget. And sometimes I lose hope.

But God doesn't often leave me there. Once the initial storm cloud dissipates He reminds me, sometimes through a song, sometimes through others. And sometimes it's always been there, a quiet knowing, but I have gotten in my own way. When things seem bleakest, there is ALWAYS hope. And if I can steer myself back to 1 Corinthians 13 and love that way, even if I'm not feeling it, that this is how God wants me to respond to others.

This "man God has given me to love for the rest of my life" and I don't always see eye to eye. Sometimes we find ourselves scrambling for the Light in the midst of a dark time. When the very thing we feel the least like giving is the very thing that will bring us out of the pit.

"I'm bankrupt without love" (1 Corinthians 13:3 The Message). Bankrupt. Empty. Just like the pit.

How do I love in difficult places? I put on love. I hang on to hope. I keep going until the end. I trust. But not in myself. I give it away. I surround my husband with it, my children. And I try remember to...

"Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly" (1 Corinthians 13:13 The Message).

Remind Me Who I Am

Around Christmastime my husband told me about a song he had heard on the radio that really spoke to him. I had never heard of this singer before nor the song, but I felt led to buy Adam the album, "A Way To See in the Dark" by Jason Gray. Pretty much EVERY song on the album reminds me of some truth I have forgotten or reinforces the ones that I already know but should keep in the forefront of my mind. I love albums like that!

The song that led to the purchase of the album was, "Remind Me Who I Am". I could write a whole blog post on that alone (and maybe some day I will). Suffice it to say, I believe we all question our worth from time to time or maybe most of the time. We get overwhelmed by our mistakes, our bad choices, our regrets and wonder if we'll ever be free from them. Do you believe that your worth comes from what you do on this Earth or what people think of you? Or do you see your worth comes from God, who you are in Him? You are His beloved and like the song says, sometimes we need help believing that.

(To pause the blog music scroll to the bottom of the blog page.)

When I lose My way,
And I forget my name,
Remind me who I am.
In the mirror all I see,
Is who I don't wanna be,
Remind me who I am.
In the lonliest places,
When I can't remember what grace is.

Tell me once again who I am to you.
Who I am to you.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to you.
That I belong to you.
To you.

When my heart is like a stone,
And I'm running far from home,
Remind me who I am.
When I can't recieve your love,
Afraid I'll never be enough,
Remind me who I am.
If I'm your beloved,
Can you help me believe it.

Tell me once again who I am to you.
Who I am to you, Woh.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to you.
That I belong to you.
To you.

I'm the one you love,
I'm the one you love,
That will be enough,
I'm the one you love.

Tell me once again who I am to you.
Who I am to you.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to you.
That I belong to you.
To you.

What is Faith?

Most days pass by filled with the every days of life, appointments, grocery shopping, taxiing the kids from here to there, homework, piano practice, the list goes on and on. Most days I flit from one thing to the other, doing what needs to be done. But then there are days, moments when I'm forced to pause.

2012 came in with a bang. My almost 60 year-old mother-in-law, Yvonne's cancer from 2008 metastasized into 3 tumors on the back of her cerebellum. She had surgery to remove them on the 6th of January. They were only able to remove 2. She is still recovering from the surgery, but progressing well. She will begin radiation in the near future. A CAT scan after surgery showed no signs of the third tumor. Wow!

I've just literally received news that my 42 year-old cousin has pancreatic cancer. He has kids and a family. He's a strong, healthy firefighter. He starts chemo in a few weeks.

It's hard to not feel overwhelmed. Watching people you care about suffering through very difficult, life-threatening illnesses. Wanting full and complete healing for them. Wanting them to be around for their families. Not wanting to deal with another loss.

It pauses me. I feel helpless. What do I say? What can I do? And the reality is, I cannot do a single thing to change or fix any of it and neither can they. But that doesn't mean there is no hope. It doesn't mean there isn't Someone who can.

God found me in one of the darkest times in my life. A time when I felt helpless and alone. It was in this struggle that He showed me what faith meant. I was forced to face things about myself that I didn't want to face. I was stubborn, self-protective, controlling, and un-trusting. I never acknowledged my need for anyone, especially God. I did everything on my own, rarely depending on others for help. It wasn't until my world shook and I wasn't able to fix it myself that God was able to get my attention on that issue. God had been with me throughout my life. As a child I went to church. I had atleast a semblance of knowledge and belief. When things went downhill for me I was attending a church that was already spurring me on towards a deeper growth and relationship with God. It was in the midst of this, my crisis and my church, that I was able to see all of the ways God had already been helping me, maneuvering, leading and guiding my life.

When the going got tough, I turned to God, the only hope I really had. When I attended church, read the scriptures, conversed and asked questions of my Christian friends, I learned about Jesus and grew in faith and understanding.

God is good. He is all-powerful and all-knowing. He knows us, deeply. He is faithful and just. All He asks in return is that we believe.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened" (MATTHEW 7:7-8).

So what is faith? Faith is believing, trusting, surrendering to something unseen, God. Having faith that God is living and working in our lives. That through prayer we can talk to Him and ask Him for whatever our desires are believing that He can "do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine" (Ephesians 3:19). Faith is an attitude. Faith is how I respond to trials, trusting God more. Faith is believing God is in control, that He has a plan. Faith is an understanding of the big picture. That what is going on in my life right now is just a small part of something much bigger than myself. That I do not and will not know all the ways God is working for my good right now and sometimes that even means He doesn't answer my prayers the way I want Him to answer them. Faith is surrendering to whatever His will is, even if it's not what I want.

So in this pause, when I know what I want to happen, when I pray my desires for my mother-in-law and my cousin, in trust I know that what they are going through has a purpose, or God would not allow it to be. That with every trial we have an opportunity to learn from, grow in, and even begin to walk in faith with Christ.

Dear God, I am once again reminded that I am not in control. I need You in every part of my life. You know the needs of Your children. If it be Your will, Lord, please take the cancer from Yvonne and Jimmy. Please be with them throughout their medical care and work within them to fight and heal. Lord God, I cannot help but ask "why?" sometimes. I know that there are reasons I cannot know at this time, or may never know in this life. Help me to remember that I don't need to know "why". I have hope and peace knowing that You are in control of all things, that You love them, and that whatever happens is part of a bigger picture. Please help me to walk in faith with You, dear God.