His Hand

There are days when I have doubts. There are times when it doesn't make sense. Sometimes I feel disconnected. I talk and I don't know if anyone's listening. Sometimes, I feel swept up in life, the duties, the errands, the responsibilities, that I forget all about Him.

But then, there are times...when I see and feel Him moving. I see Him drawing people together, arranging circumstances, making things happen. His presense in these times is overpowering. In all of my efforts to make sense of things, things just don't make sense. The world calls it coincidence, fate, karma. I call it God. Only God could work all the particulars out, down to the tiniest details.

There is something more out there. There just is. It may take faith to believe it. And it's by grace that we accept Him and by grace that He moves and acts in our lives. If we believe He is good, then we must believe that everything he does is for good...our good.

So no, I don't have it all figured out. I don't have all of the answers. But it's hard to not believe in a God that changes lives. A God that redeems the worst of people and works through them for His glory. A God that helps us through the struggles, knowing we will wind up being better for it if we just persevere (James 1:12). Afterall, He promises in all things to work for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28) and He is demonstrating that promise in my life and my husband's life daily.

So many times, particularly during a trial, we wonder "Why is God doing this to me?" I think this passage is a reminder that He's not.

"When tempted, no one should say, 'God is tempting me.' For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth..."
JAMES 1:13-18

Stay With Me - by Barlow Girl

STAY WITH ME - by Barlow Girl
(Listen to the song or be encouraged by Barlow Girl's intro to the song)

Hopeless, getting through this night
And life is not dying in this fight
I'm begging you to deliver me
Confused why you won't take this pain from me

My steps never felt so hard
The end never look so far but
If you won't take me out
Then please take me through this

Stay with me so I won't leave
And make me see that this is not forever
'Cause all I need is your love pulling me

What is the reason for this night
Is hope found in fullness with no light
Does strength grow in our greatest fears
God I pray something good will come from this pain

With you here I know
I don't go alone
I am yours and so
Through the fire I'll go

The Art of Doing Nothing

It rained for days. Cold, wet rain. A gray, gloomy sky that made you want to put the lights on during the day. The kind of "rain wave" that makes you appreciate the sunshine. But even the cold rain cloud has a silver lining...

This past weekend was going to be crazy, hectic. Caleb's soccer season is winding down and he was scheduled to play a double header on both Saturday and Sunday (seems a little much for intramural, 2nd grade soccer, but that's another story).Our church's AWANA program was also beginning on Sunday night at 5:30pm and we weren't sure whether we were even going to be able to get there on time with the soccer games. I didn't even tell you about Friday night, but you get the picture. Busy, busy, busy!

I was already feeling overwhelmed and stressed out, so I was NOT looking forward to the weekend of running from here to there. Then, came the blessing. In a cold, wet noreaster (make it 2 in a row) that decided to descend on us at the end of last week, the soccer games were rescheduled and we were left with a completely open Saturday. As much as I hated being chilled to the bone, it was a small price to pay for a Saturday to do nothing. We ate breakfast at 11am. We had a soft pretzel for lunch at 2pm. And dinner was cheap chinese from the grocery store. We stayed in our PJs most of the day. We snuggled under blankets, we watched a movie, we did nothing productive and it was WONDERFUL!

Never underestimate the power of downtime. No responsibilites, no commitments to be somewhere, no one counting on us to do anything. And it was just what I needed. I felt refreshed, relaxed, and reconnected with my family again. Okay so just like the "Pirates Who Don't Do Anything" we actually did some things, but it was all by our choosing.

Thank you, God, that because of the rain we had a day off...so we could prepare ourselves for the 2 double headers Caleb's going to have this weekend instead.

"What If?" from the album BRAVE by Nichole Nordeman

What if you're right?
And he was just another nice guy
What if you're right?
What if it's true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it's true?

What if he takes his place in history
With all the prophets and the kings
Who taught us love and came in peace
But then the story ends
What then?

But what if you're wrong?
What if there's more?
What if there's hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He's more than enough?
What if it's love?

What if you dig
Way down deeper than your simple-minded friends
What if you dig?
What if you find
A thousand more unanswered questions down inside
That's all you find?

What if you pick apart the logic
And begin to poke the holes
What if the crown of thorns is no more
Than folklore that must be told and retold?

You've been running as fast as you can
You've been looking for a place you can land for so long
But what if you're wrong?

What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He's more than enough?
What if it's love?

(LISTEN)

Legacy

On Saturday we celebrated Adam's grandfather's 90th birthday. What a milestone! We are both lucky enough to still have some living grandparents. It's been a blessing to get to know them as adults. Memories abound with times spent with them. They have lived through so very much. As I begin to tell my children stories of how I grew up without cell phones, iPods, or email I remember that our grandparents are witnesses to so much more change and so much more history. I wonder if that is why we resist change so much more as we get older? Do you just get tired of it?

Four generations of Willards gathered together to celebrate Granddad's big day. What a legacy -- to observe the physical similarities, character traits, and values passed down through the generations. It's just a reminder that no matter how we try to be our own person, your family has a significant impact on who you are. Among all of the accomplishments and genes passed down, their most important legacy to us has been their faith in Jesus Christ. A seed planted...no matter how far in the growing process it is in each of us. Thank you for passing on your faith in Christ. Thank you for taking me to church. Thank you for planting a seed that when the time was right would grow and flourish within. I don't know how I could live this life without Him!

Psalm 100:5 "For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations."

The Reality of Blah

I have been super busy these past weeks. I haven't really had time to think of something profound to write on the blog. Today I'm feeling blah. It happens to the best of us. Usually when I'm feeling blah it means I'm feeling sorry for myself. God has been speaking to me today, particularly through women's bible study this morning. When we're feeling blucky, why do we fight Him so much? So the conviction came as I heard God say, through our bible study leader, not to let my circumstances dictate how I respond to God's calling for me. I am not going to Him when circumstances are blucky. Instead, I'm trying to handle it my own way and getting frustrated because there is really nothing I can do to change my "circumstances". Duh! It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't already know all of this about myself. I wish I could be more like Abram in Genesis 12 who obeyed God with unselfish motives. He knew he would only be a part of God's plan and would never see the glorious ending. I know I'm part of the plan, but I feel so impatient about wanting to get to the glorious conclusion.

This blog is supposed to be encouraging. I hope that by sharing my heart on the blah days it reminds you that we all have them. We all want to change our circumstances every now and then, but sometimes it's not up to us. Sometimes we just have to keep our head up long enough for the waves to recede.

A Bandaid Can't Fix This

Heart breaking. Tears flowing. I hope I don't have to get used to this. I'm crying because I held it in. I'm crying because I'm proud of him. I'm crying because I wish it didn't have to be this hard. I believe "this too shall pass", but it's hard right now. I did the right thing. I did all I could do. But he still had to go and I had to make him. The very thing we resist may be exactly what we need to do. I believe that. Caleb is still struggling with the making new friends part of school. We're still in a transition, so I know time will help. But we're not there yet. We're not a month into school when he will be happy, content, and surrounded by friends. We're here, on our third week, and it's still hard.

Last night's lesson: God does not say that we will not have to endure hard things. He says that when hard things come that He will be with us and help us through them. I believe it's doing the hard thing that turns out being the best thing. You look back at where you have been and see that even though it was hard you did it anyway. That's life, isn't it? Doing the hard things?

Last night's lesson Part2: God made you this way. There is nothing wrong with you because you have a harder time making new friends. Making new friends is hard for most people. In fact, God will use your cautious, observant nature for your good. Maybe you don't have hundreds of friends, but maybe the friends you do make will be really special because you know how hard it was to make them.

Mommy's lesson: Being a Mom is going to break your heart sometimes. But it's also going to be a great blessing. Dear God, help me to know what to say. Give me wisdom to know when to push and when to let him process. Give me patience and acceptance of who he is because he is special and unique and You have a great plan for him. Help him meet a special friend. Lead the right child to reach out to him and ask him to play. And help me to remember that you do love him more than my own capacity to love him and I can have confidence that You are there helping to figure all of this out.

An excerpt from the song GRACE by U2

So my last entry was all about how grace isn't fair. And today my husband and I "celebrated" the anniversary of a day that was truly stinky. It's been 5 years since that "fateful" day, but we are all the better for it. In honor of where we are, where we've been, and the grace that makes it all possible, here is an excerpt from the song GRACE by U2:

Grace
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace
It's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that
Changed the world...

She carries a pearl
In perfect condition
What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings

Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

Grace finds beauty
In everything

Grace finds goodness
In everything

Grace Isn't Fair

There's really nothing fair about grace. In fact, before "all of this" I didn't really understand what grace actually was. Give him grace! Did that mean let it slide this time? Not that I spent a lot of time thinking about the word. You always hear about God's grace --Amazing Grace! What is that anyway? Grace doesn't make sense from a human perspective. We want it to be about people deserving it. But it's not. Not one of us deserves grace. Grace is a gift -- like forgiveness. You don't give it because someone has earned it or deserves it.

I looked GRACE up in the dictionary and it said, "GRACE is unmerited favor, mercy, compassion. MERCY is compassion or forebearance shown to an offender. FOREBEARANCE is restraint, patience." Basically, grace means you see the flaws and don't hold it against them. You have compassion on someone because you know how flawed you are. In some cases, I believe you can give someone grace without really deciding to do it. Isn't that what LOVE is all about? Love is not an emotion, it's an action. Grace is giving someone the benefit of the doubt. Grace is a God thing. I think we can give grace because God gives it to us. You can't be in a healthy, long lasting relationship without grace. Your spouse is going to mess up. Your friend is going to let you down. Your family is not perfect. You're either going to end every relationship because someone failed you or you are going to give people grace, knowing that they are imperfect humans (just like you).

I love this quote from John Piper, "Be a tree, not a cut flower." He's talking about endurance, perseverance, sticking it out. He's talking about love. Stay put. Let your roots grow, dig down into the ground, getting stronger with time. Be the shade for those around you. A cut flower lasts only a short time before it whithers and dies. A tree lasts. It doesn't pull it's roots up and leave. What a beautiful word picture! That's what I want to be. A strong tree, planted by God in just the right place. And leaving is not my choice. So no matter what anyone does to me, I'll stay there knowing that God planted me there and when He wants me to move, He will move me or take me home.

O to grace,
how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be.
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter (a chain), bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart,
O take and seal it,
seal it for Thy courts above!
"COME THOU FOUNT OF EVERY BLESSING" (hymn v.3)

School Success (Part 1)

A new school. A new grade. New friends, well not really yet. My brave Caleb started school on Monday. There were no tears, no holding back. Excited, ready, and a little bit anxious. He did something I knew was hard for him and he did it with courage. Can you tell I'm proud of him? It's only the 3rd day. He says school is great, better than he expected. He likes his teacher, Ms. Western. This is kind of a continuing saga. Back in June I wrote a post called Flying Leap about our decision to switch schools.

My prayer for now is that time will help him make new friends. That he will continue to participate in class and with his classmates because I know that's hard for him, but so far he is doing a great job!

And it's only day 3 but I miss him already. I'm trying not to think about the fact that Ellie starts pre-K in a couple of weeks and I will be childless for atleast a few hours 3 morning a week. It's nice in some ways, but also a little bittersweet. I'm holding on tightly as time slips through my fingers. They need this. After staying home with Mom since birth, they need to figure out the world a little bit on their own. And I need the practice of letting them go so they can try.

Who knew you could love anything as much as you love your children? With all the love I have for them, I cannot fathom the way God must love each of us. My kids are not mine. They are His. I just get the joy and blessing of having them in my life for as long as God allows. And I know He loves them more than I can. That's why I can have confidence when I pray for them that He wants what is best for them. And the best for them may not be what I have in mind.

Oh, I forgot to tell you. When I took Caleb for a reading assessment at his new public school, we openned the office door and heard "Shout to the Lord" playing from one of the offices. God is so awesome! He knew that's all I needed. To be reminded that He is there. That He is with Caleb when he's alone on the playground hoping to make a new friend. And that He will watch over and protect Him when I can't be there.

Seek and Find Family

I wasn't looking for it. It wasn't something I had been dwelling on. But it struck me, with a flash of hope, on vacation in the Outerbanks, NC. I know it's out there. I know people value it. But it's not something you get to see in all its glory as I witnessed it two weeks ago. Family still exists! And I'm not just talking about nuclear families. I'm talking big, extended families sharing time and having fun together on vacation.

This was our second year vacationing in Corolla, NC. At times it feels like the middle of no where. Large houses dot the beach towns as you drive north on NC-12. Some look more like mansions. Multiple cars with a variety of license plates fill the drive-ways. But these are not hotels. Families come to stay the week. Aunts and Uncles, Brothers and Sisters, Cousins, Grandparents...they are together on this island where the nearest movie theater is over 40 minutes away. Unlike the Jersey shore, families spend the day and the night on the beach. At sunset, the beach is packed with people; children darting in and out of the warm ocean, fathers fishing in the surf, families walking their dogs enjoying the warm sea breezes. It's remarkable. During the day families mark their little piece of the beach with "party" tents and shade canopies. They compete in beach games of all kinds, some traditional like bocce ball and horseshoes, but others unique adaptatations of familiar yard games. Beach chairs are lined up to watch the competition and laughter sails on the breeze. It was like a picture postcard, a Norman Rockwell, of the American family. And it exists! It was like a breath of fresh air and it gave me hope that family is still valued. There's something special when generations have the opportunity to spend time and share love with each other.

On a personal note, we vacationed with my parents, my grandmother, my brother, sister-in-law & their 2 kids, and my husband & I & our 2 kids. There were eleven of us total. And we may have been a small family in comparison to the ones that surrounded us on the beach in Corolla. We might have marked our piece of the beach with umbrellas instead of large canopies, but I celebrate the fact that after all these years, we still love each other, want to spend time with each other, and make that effort.

The Canoe

It was a hot, humid day. The sun was shining and there was a mild breeze over the bay. We unloaded the canoes and the kayaks at the boat ramp. I climbed into the front of the green canoe and he pushed us off as he carefully sat down in the back. We were off to explore the Pine Island area of the bay with our happy faces on.

Are there rules for canoeing? I have been canoeing before. I just always sit in the front. I don't ask questions. I'm pretty sure the one in the back is in charge of steering, but what is my job exactly? Apparently I'm just supposed to paddle, but I quickly learn just paddling is not going to cut it. I ask the "driver" for a little guidance and he tells me to just paddle. Just paddle? Okay, I can do that. But wait a minute, which side do I paddle on? And how do I know when to change sides? And my arm is tired, can I just stop for a minute?

It doesn't take long for the bickering to start. I'm a woman so I want to talk about paddling a canoe. I want to know my job description before I hop aboard, but alas, I'm already in the boat and we're too far from the dock to turn back now. So we move forward through the sea grasses, which slow us down. We have not discussed where we are heading. Since I'm goal oriented I want to know our destination. It's not enough for me to just paddle aimlessly around the bay. Have you been on this bay? This is not a small bay. We must have a plan...I mean, I must have a plan.

"Where are we going?" I ask, trying not to sound frustrated.
"I don't know. Where do you want to go?" he replies with a grunt.
Yes, I heard that grunt. That grunt must mean he's frustrated with my questions, so I say, "You're steering this boat. Where do you want to go?".
"Don't worry about it. Just paddle."

There it is again. Just paddle. I can't take it anymore. I need more information.

"Could you give me a little more information then just paddle?" I say annoyed.
"Paddle on the left." He's clearly agitated.
So I paddle on the left until my arm is ready to fall off. Did I mention that I go canoeing at most, once a year? I do not have my canoe paddling muscles toned. So I stop paddling for a while. I can't see his face, but his grunting gets louder. He's mad, I think, because I'm not doing my job. Oh, why did we ever agree to go canoeing?

It's hard to paddle the canoe in the bay. There is moving water in the bay and between the currents, the wind, and the sea grass it's hard to get the canoe moving in any direction, especially the one you want to go in. The "driver" can't do it himself. He needs me to help him. But I don't know how to help. He's not talking to me. He's not communicating what he needs from me. I'm in the front of the boat. I can't see what he's doing back there. As much as I can tell he's not doing much of anything. I think we might be going backwards!

Finally, frustrations erupt. They cannot be contained any more.
"This is not fun," I say.
"Well, what do you want me to do?" he cries.
"Communicate. Tell me how I can help. I can't see what's going on back there. I need you to lead." There. I said it. And it hits me. This canoe trip is a metaphor for our marriage. If we cannot operate a canoe together, then how can we steer this marriage in the right direction? The core problems we encountered with the canoe are the most important things we require in our marriage. Communication! It's the key. I want him to communicate with me. Lead me. From the back he can see it all. He can see the big picture. He can see me. I want him to give me some direction. I want him to see that I'm paddling on the right and paddle to my rhythm. I want him to tell me "I want to go right or left or straight" so I don't paddle to compensate for a direction he's trying to go in.

It got pretty bad out there. I threatened to swim back to the dock. I volunteered to be dragged behind a kayak. Anything would have been better than to be on our "sinking ship". I'm sorry for that. Typical of me when the going gets bad I want to jump ship. I wouldn't jump ship, mind you. I would just threaten to jump ship. At my wits end I need some hope. You can't really canoe effectively if both paddlers are not working together. To make it through the heavy current or through the thick grasses you have to work in tandem. That's where you get your power.

Hurt feelings aside, the "driver" took a deep breath. He gave me some directions. For the first time that day we were in sync. The canoe glided gracefully through the water. We were together. We were a team. We were not paddling alone in the same canoe. We both agreed; this is the way it's supposed to be. He gives me some directions. He communicates his expectations. We work together. We move forward with strength and power.

Could be a metaphor for marriage. Could be a metaphor for God. We need Him. We need each other. We cannot do this life alone. There is no "I" in "TEAM". Adam and I have never really been good at canoeing or kayaking together. What does that say about us? I guess all it really says is that we have more work to do. Atleast we could talk about it. Atleast we could see what was missing and work to fix it.

Overall, we enjoyed our canoeing adventure. We saw a green heron. The kids swam with the sea grass. We smelled the "lovely" odors of the marshes. In the end, we paddled together through the slowing sea grass. We paddled together against the strong currents and the wind that was trying to push us back to open water. We arrived back at the dock, in tact, with our happy faces on again.

Maybe next time we should try the one man kayak? No, it's so much better to do this life together then alone. Even if we fight and struggle along the way. At the end of the day we still have each other, a lesson learned, and a memory of paddling through it together.

PSALM 103:8-14

The Lord is merciful and gracious; he is slow to anger and full of unfailing love. He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry forever. He has not punished us for all our sins, nor does he deal with us as we deserve. For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our rebellious acts as far away as the east is from the west. The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. For he understands how weak we are; he knows we are only dust.

PSALM 103:8-14

Favorite Quotes from BATHSHEBA...

Favorite quotes from the book "Bathsheba" by Francine Rivers...

"Maybe it's only those who've made such chaos of their lives who can understand the heights and depths of God's mercy." (p147)

"When fear threatened to overwhelm her, she set her mind upon the Lord, comforting herself with thoughts of what God had already done for her." (p120)

"She learned not to expect perfect love from David...she turned to God for healing and comfort. And the Lord was always there. For His love was perfect." (p121)

"God loves you because you repented every time you realized you'd sinned. You grieved. You tried to do right. God knows you are only a man..." (p152)

"'I will trust in You, oh, Lord. I will trust in You. Do with me as You will.'" (p141)

Out of the mouths of babes!

Caleb: "Does Mommom live on a no outlet street?"
Mommy: "Yes!"
Caleb: "Does that mean there are no stores at the end of the street?"
----------------------------------------------------------------
Caleb: "What's wrong with Aunt Kim?"
Mommy: "She's sick. She has an infection."
Caleb: "What kind of infection?"
Mommy: "A 'none of your business' infection."
A few moments later...
Caleb: "What's a bladder?"
Mommy: "It's the organ that stores your tinkle."
Caleb: "So it's a bladder infection. I already heard you talking about it. Let's just leave it at that."