A Heartening Life

Accepted - Ant. refused, denied, nullified

2012-02-08T13:59:00.005-05:00

"At the heart of personality is the need to feel a sense of being lovable without having to qualify for that acceptance."
--Paul Tournier

In 2010, my husband was working on a bible study about understanding your wife's heart. One of the questions he asked me was, "When do you feel most accepted by me?" It was the first time I had really contemplated what it meant to be "accepted". Did he mean as a person, as a woman, as his wife? I remember I answered the question by telling him 2 occasions when I have felt unaccepted, but I continued to think about it even after our initial conversation was over.

I learned that "accepted" means to be "taken, received, assumed, approved, adopted, recognized, endorsed, verified, acclaimed, welcomed, engaged, hired, claimed, delivered, used, employed, affirmed, upheld, authorized, preferred, acknowledged, accredited, allowed, settled, established, sanctioned, unopposed, customary, authentic, confirmed, chosen, acceptable, popular" (Webster's New World Thesaurus).

When you really think about it, being or feeling accepted is probably one of the strongest desires we have relationally as human beings. Doesn't everyone want to be welcomed, recognized, affirmed, acknowledged, and chosen? I want that, not just from my husband, but from other people. Sometimes we act as though we don't care what anyone else thinks. We may withdraw, build walls, act eccentric, and even say we don't care, but "Adam" was lonely without "Eve" and I have to believe that deep within it hurts to not feel accepted, no matter who you are.

Daily we give people the power to determine whether we are acceptable or not! Unless we have a healthy dose of self-esteem and confidence in who we are the words & actions of people can really rock your world. And likewise, we judge, criticize, and condemn others for being who they are. Who are we to decide whether someone else is acceptable or not?

After much thought, the answer to Adam's bible study question became more obvious to me. I feel most accepted by him when I feel loved. I am loved and accepted when I feel like it's okay to be me. Acceptance is giving someone the grace to be who they are inspite or despite their mistakes and their quirky, annoying habits. And it's the same grace we hope others will extend to us under the same circumstances.

"Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God." ROMANS 15:7

Accepting someone does not mean enabling or denying their sins. We are not to judge or hold their sins against them, but we can still love them. The Bible calls us to "speak the truth to each other" (ZECHARIAH 8:15 NIV). "If someone is trapped in sin, you should gently lead that person back to the right path...offer each other a helping hand" (GALATIANS 6:1-2 CEV).

God loves you and accepts you, all the time, unconditionally. We practice love by doing the same, loving others not because of who they are or what they do, but simply because they are.

This is an edited re-post from 2010.

Love Extravagantly

2012-02-02T20:48:00.006-05:00

"[Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres" (1 Corinthians 13:7).

"How do we love in difficult places?", Ann Voskamp asks. Is it as simple as the words of 1 Corinthians 13?

During trying times I usually find my way back to...self. Protecting myself, trusting in myself, hoping in myself. Old habits die hard. But that's not what love is.

In Matthew 22:37-39 Jesus tells us to “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself." Notice how it doesn't say love yourself?

Why is it when difficulties come it is so easy to forget about love?

"For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him" (Matthew 12:34-35). It's because I feel. I get caught up, caught up in myself and my own fears and hurts. I forget. And sometimes I lose hope.

But God doesn't often leave me there. Once the initial storm cloud dissipates He reminds me, sometimes through a song, sometimes through others. And sometimes it's always been there, a quiet knowing, but I have gotten in my own way. When things seem bleakest, there is ALWAYS hope. And if I can steer myself back to 1 Corinthians 13 and love that way, even if I'm not feeling it, that this is how God wants me to respond to others.

This "man God has given me to love for the rest of my life" and I don't always see eye to eye. Sometimes we find ourselves scrambling for the Light in the midst of a dark time. When the very thing we feel the least like giving is the very thing that will bring us out of the pit.

"I'm bankrupt without love" (1 Corinthians 13:3 The Message). Bankrupt. Empty. Just like the pit.

How do I love in difficult places? I put on love. I hang on to hope. I keep going until the end. I trust. But not in myself. I give it away. I surround my husband with it, my children. And I try remember to...

"Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly" (1 Corinthians 13:13 The Message).

Remind Me Who I Am

2012-01-30T11:40:00.007-05:00

Around Christmastime my husband told me about a song he had heard on the radio that really spoke to him. I had never heard of this singer before nor the song, but I felt led to buy Adam the album, "A Way To See in the Dark" by Jason Gray. Pretty much EVERY song on the album reminds me of some truth I have forgotten or reinforces the ones that I already know but should keep in the forefront of my mind. I love albums like that!

The song that led to the purchase of the album was, "Remind Me Who I Am". I could write a whole blog post on that alone (and maybe some day I will). Suffice it to say, I believe we all question our worth from time to time or maybe most of the time. We get overwhelmed by our mistakes, our bad choices, our regrets and wonder if we'll ever be free from them. Do you believe that your worth comes from what you do on this Earth or what people think of you? Or do you see your worth comes from God, who you are in Him? You are His beloved and like the song says, sometimes we need help believing that.

(To pause the blog music scroll to the bottom of the blog page.)

When I lose My way,
And I forget my name,
Remind me who I am.
In the mirror all I see,
Is who I don't wanna be,
Remind me who I am.
In the lonliest places,
When I can't remember what grace is.

Tell me once again who I am to you.
Who I am to you.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to you.
That I belong to you.
To you.

When my heart is like a stone,
And I'm running far from home,
Remind me who I am.
When I can't recieve your love,
Afraid I'll never be enough,
Remind me who I am.
If I'm your beloved,
Can you help me believe it.

Tell me once again who I am to you.
Who I am to you, Woh.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to you.
That I belong to you.
To you.

I'm the one you love,
I'm the one you love,
That will be enough,
I'm the one you love.

Tell me once again who I am to you.
Who I am to you.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to you.
That I belong to you.
To you.

What is Faith?

2012-01-17T09:50:00.006-05:00

Most days pass by filled with the every days of life, appointments, grocery shopping, taxiing the kids from here to there, homework, piano practice, the list goes on and on. Most days I flit from one thing to the other, doing what needs to be done. But then there are days, moments when I'm forced to pause.

2012 came in with a bang. My almost 60 year-old mother-in-law, Yvonne's cancer from 2008 metastasized into 3 tumors on the back of her cerebellum. She had surgery to remove them on the 6th of January. They were only able to remove 2. She is still recovering from the surgery, but progressing well. She will begin radiation in the near future. A CAT scan after surgery showed no signs of the third tumor. Wow!

I've just literally received news that my 42 year-old cousin has pancreatic cancer. He has kids and a family. He's a strong, healthy firefighter. He starts chemo in a few weeks.

It's hard to not feel overwhelmed. Watching people you care about suffering through very difficult, life-threatening illnesses. Wanting full and complete healing for them. Wanting them to be around for their families. Not wanting to deal with another loss.

It pauses me. I feel helpless. What do I say? What can I do? And the reality is, I cannot do a single thing to change or fix any of it and neither can they. But that doesn't mean there is no hope. It doesn't mean there isn't Someone who can.

God found me in one of the darkest times in my life. A time when I felt helpless and alone. It was in this struggle that He showed me what faith meant. I was forced to face things about myself that I didn't want to face. I was stubborn, self-protective, controlling, and un-trusting. I never acknowledged my need for anyone, especially God. I did everything on my own, rarely depending on others for help. It wasn't until my world shook and I wasn't able to fix it myself that God was able to get my attention on that issue. God had been with me throughout my life. As a child I went to church. I had atleast a semblance of knowledge and belief. When things went downhill for me I was attending a church that was already spurring me on towards a deeper growth and relationship with God. It was in the midst of this, my crisis and my church, that I was able to see all of the ways God had already been helping me, maneuvering, leading and guiding my life.

When the going got tough, I turned to God, the only hope I really had. When I attended church, read the scriptures, conversed and asked questions of my Christian friends, I learned about Jesus and grew in faith and understanding.

God is good. He is all-powerful and all-knowing. He knows us, deeply. He is faithful and just. All He asks in return is that we believe.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened" (MATTHEW 7:7-8).

So what is faith? Faith is believing, trusting, surrendering to something unseen, God. Having faith that God is living and working in our lives. That through prayer we can talk to Him and ask Him for whatever our desires are believing that He can "do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine" (Ephesians 3:19). Faith is an attitude. Faith is how I respond to trials, trusting God more. Faith is believing God is in control, that He has a plan. Faith is an understanding of the big picture. That what is going on in my life right now is just a small part of something much bigger than myself. That I do not and will not know all the ways God is working for my good right now and sometimes that even means He doesn't answer my prayers the way I want Him to answer them. Faith is surrendering to whatever His will is, even if it's not what I want.

So in this pause, when I know what I want to happen, when I pray my desires for my mother-in-law and my cousin, in trust I know that what they are going through has a purpose, or God would not allow it to be. That with every trial we have an opportunity to learn from, grow in, and even begin to walk in faith with Christ.

Dear God, I am once again reminded that I am not in control. I need You in every part of my life. You know the needs of Your children. If it be Your will, Lord, please take the cancer from Yvonne and Jimmy. Please be with them throughout their medical care and work within them to fight and heal. Lord God, I cannot help but ask "why?" sometimes. I know that there are reasons I cannot know at this time, or may never know in this life. Help me to remember that I don't need to know "why". I have hope and peace knowing that You are in control of all things, that You love them, and that whatever happens is part of a bigger picture. Please help me to walk in faith with You, dear God.

Waiting and Praying

2012-01-07T17:23:00.007-05:00

Could there be anything worse then waiting? Waiting, wondering, surmising, assuming. At times worrying.

My husband's Mother is in the hospital. Although she has not been feeling well for about a month now, everything has unfolded rather quickly in the last 48 hours. A sudden, almost 8 hour surgery to remove 3 lesions growing on her cerebellum last night. She has been through a lot these past days. And now we all wait.

We haven't been able to see her. She is in the Neuroscience ICU and they are trying desperately to protect her from infection. Back in 2008 Mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 ovarian cancer. She fought it hard and has been in remission since then. It looks like she may have another fight on her hands.

At a time where many things are unknown, when we don't even know hour to hour what obstacle she may face or what positive progress she may have made, we are thankful to have the comfort and peace that only God can give. Peace that surpasses all understanding. That we trust in "Jehova Rophe"- our healer - and ask Him to intercede. "The Great Physician", Jesus, is at work! Although we cannot know what lies ahead for her, we know that He does, and we try to find comfort in that.

Would you please be in prayer for her? For her husband and children and grandchildren, too. We would appreciate that very much!

The More of Christmas

2011-12-23T10:56:00.007-05:00

The rain has passed but it left behind its dreariness. The gray, damp skies encourage a blanket and a hot, steaming cup of something. The twinkling lights of our Christmas tree warm the room and the light of the manger scene sitting below it consistently reminds me there is more.

There are no gifts under our tree yet. The hustle and bustle of the next 2 days is teasing me. No matter how much I try to slow down and enjoy the Advent season, it often blows by me like a frantic shopper on the day before Christmas. The candles on our advent greens indicate they haven't been lit very often. Where did the last 3 weeks go?

As I prepare food for our Christmas tables, I try to prepare my heart for what is about to come. As I try to push Santa Claus, my to-do list, and my growing spam folder of "special holiday deals" out of my mind, I am so very thankful for the more. Why spend all of this money? Why rush around like I've lost my mind, my head? Why chop down a perfectly good tree, decorate it with sparkly lights and a litany of ornaments? What is the point after all? There is more to Christmas then this.

And there is more to the Christmas story, too. We celebrate that a Baby is born, but we also remember how perfectly executed the plan was. That the Messiah would innocently come in the form of a child. That He would grow and live among His people. His time on Earth an example. He touched lives, performed miracles, and taught His children. And He GAVE. He sacrificed. He loved.

Why is the Christ part of Christmas so important? Because without Him, we would have no hope, no chance of eternal life, no redemption.

Although I really enjoy spending time with family, sharing tasty foods, giving gifts from the heart, and the traditions we have created with our children, I know I would be left wanting more. Because those things satisfy for a moment. They don't sustain.

As I sit with toasty blanket and cup of steaming mulled cider surrounded by decked halls, I am so thankful that when I pull all of these Earthly treasures away, I have something left that will sustain. Something that promises to be more. More than I could ever imagine. More than I could ever want. And that leaves me feeling very full. Very full, indeed.

"Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen." (1 Timothy 1:15-17)

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Matthew 6:19-21)

Happy Advent (and how to make an advent centerpiece)

2011-12-05T18:57:00.013-05:00

Happy Advent! The Christmas season sort of "snuck up" on me. We made up for it this past weekend by setting up our Christmas tree and decorating inside our home. In the midst of the busy, hurriedness of December lies the best part of the season...advent, the anticipation of the "coming" of Christ. It's just not Christmas without our Advent centerpiece, which I made the other day with my own two hands (yeah me!). I thought I would share how "easy" it is to make and encourage you to give it a try.

The advent "wreath" consists of 4 candles (sometimes 5) surrounded by evergreens (and whatever else you'd like to throw in there). Where the wreath requires wiring the greens to a frame, the centerpiece doesn't take as much effort or supplies, but I'll still refer to it as a "wreath" because...it just sounds better. The advent "wreath" is a symbolic way to prepare your hearts and can be a fun and tangible way to get your kids involved. There are 3 purple candles and one pink. Sometimes people add a white one to light on Christmas. This is a "tradition" meaning there is no right or wrong way to include the advent "wreath". Each candle represents something, commonly the first candle lit on the 1st Sunday in Advent is purple and represents hope. On the 2nd Sunday in Advent you light another purple candle, for love. The 3rd candle is the pink one, for joy. And the 4th candle lit is purple, for peace. The white candle, if you choose to add one, can go in the center and is lit on Christmas Day. It is nice to do a family devotional along with lighting the candles. There are many out there to choose from. Or you can just read a little bit of the Christmas story each time and sing some Christmas songs. Like I said, there is no right or wrong way.

Several years ago we purchased a Christmas activity called "What God Wants For Christmas" by Family Life. It is similar to Easter's Resurrection Eggs, if you are familiar with those. It comes with a booklet to read over 7 days or all at once, if you want. There is also free PDF activity sheets you can download with coloring pages and other things.

How does your family celebrate the Advent season? I'm always interested in hearing suggestions for things that may work well for you. So email me or comment with your ideas!

MAKING AN ADVENT CENTERPIECE ("WREATH"):

Here are some of the items you may need to purchase for your centerpiece (these items can be found at your local craft store): A small rectangular plastic tray for it to sit on and to catch any water that may come out of the floral foam.; a rectangle of floral foam; 4 plastic candle holders; a box of Advent candles (they often come prepackaged or you can just buy your own 3 purple, 1 pink).

My favorite part about my centerpiece is that all of the decorations I use come from my own backyard (literally). I take clippings from my various evergreens on the property. I also use any greens we trimmed from our Christmas tree (which this year I had a lot). The bulk of the centerpiece is made out of the traditional greens, from our Christmas tree and our Ewe bush. I use the other greens here and there on the centerpiece to add contrast. I also have a holly tree and pinecones in my yard, which liven up the centerpiece, as well. If you do not have access to pinecones or holly, then you can purchase these items at a craft store and they look just fine.

Once you have gathered all your greens and decorations, place the candle holders onto the green floral foam. I rarely do anything symmetrically, but that's just me. Put them wherever you want them.

Now start adding your greens. I always have a pair of trimmers with me to cut the greens into the size pieces you need. You can start anywhere on the floral foam. "Larger" pieces should go on the sides and towards the bottom, "shorter" pieces are great for the top. I always put the greens in on an angle. You don't want the centerpiece to be too bushy, so try not to make the pieces too long. Play with the layers. Experiment. Be creative!

To some extent you have to fill the centerpiece by eye. Keep turning it to make sure you don't have any obvious gaps. When you have it "filled" you can start to add the accent pieces, like the various pines, holly & berries, and pinecones. I usually just lay the pinecones on the top instead of securing them.

When you have it the way you like, add the candles. The final step is to water the floral foam. I do this once I put it in its "final" resting place. I water the top, like I would water a plant. Make sure you go slowly since any excess water will leave the foam and fill the plastic tray its sitting on. The foam will absorb the water from the tray so I actually try to always leave some water in the tray. You will have to check on it every couple of days to make sure it stays "watered".

May you have a blessed Advent season as you await and celebrate the coming of Christ, Emmanuel, Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6).

Thank You For Today

2011-11-29T22:32:00.007-05:00

It's been too long, I know. I hope I've been missed. My absence has not been on purpose. The Lord has been occupying my time with other worthwhile causes (I will share more when I have something to show you).

I sit down to write and all I can think of is how thankful I am. Obviously thankful for all of the normal stuff; a loving husband, healthy happy kids, Adam's job, a roof (literally) over our heads. If I was to summarize what God has been teaching me over the last several months I would say His faithfulness. Financial woes, a leaking roof, and a bump in the marriage road and I am often left trying to figure out how to fix it or worse, feeling like there is no hope. Deep down I know there is always Hope. But I spend too much of my life (as a planner) looking ahead and using that as fodder for worrying. How am I going to pay that bill? Will we ever have enough money to fix our roof? get new windows? give the kids their own rooms? The mental list can go on and on. A planner is always looking ahead and I think that is a good trait. But sometimes, the planning can get in the way of plain old trusting. A planner looks at what's going to happen and tries to figure out how to handle it. Again, not a bad thing. But if God is the ultimate planner, how much of my own planning gets in the way of God's plan? If I am always trying to figure out how to fix it or make this or that work out, am I focusing too much on my own efforts?

Certainly there is a give and take. Our relationship with God should involve discussing the plan with Him. Asking Him for guidance. Depending on Him knowing, accepting, surrendering that I cannot do it all myself. The Lord continues to blow me away. His faithful provision, just when we need it the most, leaves me in awe. He is faithful when I make the choice to not worry (even though it's difficult) and choose to trust Him to take care of me.

The one thing God keeps bringing me back to is today. Today I can pay this bill. Today I can put food on the table. Today our cars are both running. Today...

"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matthew 6:34).

Thank you God for your faithfulness. Thank you for reminding me that I don't have to do this all on my own. Thank you for what you have provided today and the peace of knowing it is enough.

Why Be Afraid

2011-11-03T13:25:00.011-04:00

"That which we fear might happen to us — might be the thing to produce deep faith in us. Why be afraid of anything — when He’s using everything?"
-- Ann Voskamp, "A Holy Experience"

Need I say anymore? I love this quote. I believe this quote. I have lived this quote.

It's not that I welcome the bad in. I don't look forward to hard. Easy and calm are so comfortable. But I think it's more a way of life. A perspective to combat our fears. When we struggle or when we hurt it's a place to turn. It's a promise (Romans 8:28).

My son was given an opportunity. A mere blip on the screen of life, but I'm seeing it as a life lesson. He joined a club at school, a problem solving club. It's literally not for everyone. He actually wasn't even asked to join. It was his interest in it that began a conversation about him participating. His teacher said it's difficult. It starts out okay but as the year progresses it gets harder and harder. For some kids that's too much. We were asked to consider whether or not we wanted to put him through that. From day one his interest in being part of it hasn't wavered. The more I thought about it the more I wanted him to have the chance to try. Just because something is hard doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.

Life is hard. Although I don't want life to be hard for my kids I do see the value in it. The hard stuff develops character and perseverance (Romans 5:3-5). It molds our faith. Because when we begin to realize that there is worth and value in the things we have to work hard for, then we are more likely to surrender to it, appreciate it. If everything was easy, would we ever turn to God? It's in the trenches that we meet God and understand how much we need Him.

Maybe we could do without the painful losses and the deep wounds and scars of things that "shouldn't" have happened to us, but for me, I learned more about myself and God because of what I've had to deal with. And I can look back on my past without wishing this or that never happened because I know and have seen how God has used it for my good. I wouldn't be who I am today without having to face the hard stuff. And I don't have to live in fear of what is going to happen, because I have had to persevere and I know that He will be there helping me through it.

Hearts 4 Hearts Girls

2011-10-25T14:27:00.005-04:00

I was shopping at BJs today and browsing for gift ideas for my daughter's November birthday when I found these really great dolls. They are called Hearts For Hearts Girls. There are six dolls from different cultures all around the world. They are made for World Vision, a Christian humanitarian organization and a portion of the proceeds from the sale of these dolls actually go toward the organization.

Each doll is supposedly based on a real girl from that country. The website explains that "each of them has an important story to tell about life in her country, inspired by real girls who are strong, smart, courageous, and determined to rise above challenging circumstances."

In a world that is feeding immodesty and "it's what's on the outside that really matters" to our children, I would feel good about giving my daughter one of these dolls and supporting such a worthy organization.

Just thought I'd share...

My Newly Medicated ADHD Honey

2011-10-24T10:29:00.002-04:00

The past month has been one thing after another. October is soccer season and both kids are playing. It's been fun to watch them both develop their "soccer skills" since last year. They seem to be having a great time! It must be the time of year, but I remember last year around this time wondering where all my time was going. I guess we are still adjusting to being back in school and with that, all of their extracurricular activities. It's all good. Atleast life isn't boring!

I wanted to write an update since my last ADHD post back in September. Adam had his appointment at the doctor to evaluate him for possible medication. Since the beginning of October he has been taking 20 mg of Vyvanse. Initially it was hard to decipher how exactly the medicine was effecting him. There seemed to be a little bit of a placebo effect where you think you see a difference but then maybe you just think you are seeing a difference.

This is his third week on the medicine and I think we are both cautiously optimistic about it. There have been definite circumstance where he has felt better focus and clarity in his thoughts. We just attended a wedding this past weekend. Trying to have a conversation with someone in a room full of conversations was always VERY difficult and overwhelming for him. He would sometimes sort of withdraw because his brain was so overwhelmed. It was exhausting! But on Saturday at the wedding, he noticed a marked difference in being able to concentrate. We'll take those small victories!

I feel like over time, we will have a better sense of the medicine's impact. His body is still getting used to it and he is trying to decide the best time to take a 9+ hour extended release pill. Especially since he needs better focus once he gets home in the late afternoon/evening. He goes back to the doctor for review beginning of November. Meanwhile, he continues to evaluate things with a counselor on a regular basis.

We thank you for your prayers as we continue to figure out what is best for him!

Inconvenient Love

2011-10-03T13:24:00.004-04:00

Do to others as you would have them do to you.

If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them.
And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that.
And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full.

But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.

LUKE 6:31-35

There are times in my life when it's easy to love. My love for my children is as close to unconditional as it gets. When everyone is in agreement, when people are kind to you, when you feel like it, love is easy to give. There are even times when I have myself convinced that I love people without any strings whatsoever. Perhaps this is how I would like to be, but more times then not I have something to gain.

Over the past few years I have been intrigued by the idea of loving people without strings. Loving people when I have nothing to gain. Loving people like Jesus did. I read a great book on the topic called 'Love Walked Among Us" by Paul Miller. I have written about love before on this blog. It's been an area in my life that I have felt called to grow in, to understand better, and to live out in my life. Perhaps that is why I was so impacted by a line in a book I read recently.

"Inconvenient love...it is what Christians are called to." --Joanna Weaver

I had never heard love put quite that way before. Inconvenient. How often do I allow myself to be inconvenienced so that I can love someone else? Any Mother can tell you that inconvenient love is a part of being a Mom. It's probably the closest I have been to loving inconveniently, and yet, they are my children. I have good reason to love them that way. What about other people, strangers, other people's children, neighbors...even serving in my church?

May this idea of "inconvenient love" challenge you to cut the strings we often attach when we give love away.

May we re-evaluate how we decide when, who, and how we love others.

Because part of loving is sacrificing. Giving up our own interests in order to love others the way they need to be loved and allowing ourselves to be inconvenienced so we can put someone else first.

Oh, Joy!

2011-09-26T11:24:00.007-04:00

"The marvelous richness of human experience would lose something of rewarding joy if there were no limitations to overcome. The hilltop hour would not be half so wonderful if there were no dark valleys to traverse."
--Helen Keller

Our Pastor preached a sermon yesterday from John 16. It was about having joy. I have been having a particularly challenging month and I am just not feeling the joy. I'm sitting here this morning, asking myself the question Pastor Tony challenged us with yesterday...If I'm not feeling joy, then what in my life is stifling it?

So here I am, overanalyzing joy. Have I ever felt joy? What is joy anyway? If I'm not feeling happy does that mean I don't have joy?

Merriam-Webster defines JOY as "an emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires". But a woman, Emily Rustad, left a comment on the Merriam-Webster website that made so much more sense to me. She wrote that "joy is different from happiness in that the word "happy" comes from the same root word as "happen": "hap." "Hap" means chance or fate. the feeling of happiness comes from what happens to a person by chance, but joy is a source of delight. it is what lies underneath all emotions, no matter what happens to a person."

So we can have joy in all circumstances because of Jesus. Because of what He did for us. But joy is not about my circumstances. It is not about whether I'm feeling happy today or whether my kids are listening or whether my husband and I got into an argument. Joy is more then just an emotion. My joy is Jesus. It is my hope in Him. It is my belief that He is in control. That even though things might be hard right now, the bigger picture reminds me that He loves me and cares for me and that is my joy.

HEBREWS 12:1-3
A huge cloud of witnesses is all around us. So let us throw off everything that stands in our way. Let us throw off any sin that holds on to us so tightly. Let us keep on running the race marked out for us.

Let us keep looking to Jesus. He is the author of faith. He also makes it perfect. He paid no attention to the shame of the cross. He suffered there because of the joy he was looking forward to. Then he sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

He put up with attacks from sinners. So think about him. Then you won't get tired. You won't lose hope.

Let us keep looking to Jesus...
Then you won't get tired...
You won't lose hope.

The Next Step...Squirrel...for my ADHD Hubby

2011-09-22T10:32:00.005-04:00

This is an update from the post, "Loving an Adult with A.D.D", back in April. About a month or so ago my husband was officially "tested" for ADD/ADHD. We learned that he has moderate ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). Initially the "hyper" part came as a surprise because I would not necessarily describe his physical behavior as hyper. But apparently "hyper" is not always physical, but internal, with how their thoughts are processed and that makes a lot of sense for Adam. His number one complaint is how overwhelmed he feels with all of the thoughts he has running through his mind and he doesn't know what to do with them.

Knowledge feels like power as we slowly begin to understand the impact ADHD has had on my husband's life and in our marriage. It has opened a door for us, for me, to have genuine understanding of how differently we think and process things. It's not been easy and I feel as though we are still only scratching the surface.

So what now? After his "diagnosis" he was given several options. We have put off making a quick decision about the path to take, but it seems the longer we wait the more I see how overwhelmed he can get and how stressful that is for him. Although initially medication was not something he was interested in, if it will help him to focus better and add stability to his emotions then I think he is willing to give it a try.

He has an appointment with our family doctor in October to discuss some options. At that time we will know better who will handle his medical care (GP, neurologist, or psychiatrist) and what medicine(s) he will try.

I am amazed at how adults who live with ADD/ADHD have learned to overcompensate for their ADD "weaknesses". Depending on what they struggle with because of ADD they often have other areas that they are very strong in, as well. These strong areas often "make up for" the areas that are harder for them.

This past summer Adam changed jobs. There were many reasons for the change, but one benefit was definitely a less stressful environment. He previously was in charge of running multiple projects at different locations. Having to keep track of all the details was very stressful for him. Now that his work environment is better we are seeing how stressful home life can be for him. He has said that at work he only has to focus on work, but at home he has to wear multiple hats (Dad, husband, maintenance, etc.) which means different responsibilities to different people. We are still trying to find ways of making this a little easier. I'm not sure we have figured that part out yet.

I'll be sure to share what happens after we visit with the doctor. I'm sure there are many ADD/ADHD adults out there trying to navigate this same path and we hope what we share might help you. Your feedback and experiences can help us, as well, so feel free to comment or send me an email.

(The "squirrel" is a reference to a scene in the movie "Up" when the dog has an apparent ADD moment. It's all in fun!)

Faith In Spider Webs?

2011-09-13T13:22:00.018-04:00

What they trust in is fragile;
what they rely on is a spider’s web.
They lean on the web, but it gives way;
they cling to it, but it does not hold.
JOB 8:14-15

What do you trust in?

If I were to be honest, brutally honest, my biggest struggle is trusting in myself. As a Christian, I know the One I should be trusting in, but disappointments and baggage often lead me on the path of self-protection and self-reliance. My lack of faith leads me to worry, anxiety, and fear. Because I know deep down that even I cannot deliver what I'm looking for. No matter how much I try I cannot control nor protect myself from the things I fear the most.

An overwhelming thought, but I am so thankful that's not the end of it. Although my tendency is to trust in myself God has shown me the fruitlessness of that labor. When I pridefully think I am in control, I am usually left with more disappointments and unmet expectations. Putting my trust in myself, or anything other then God, is like "relying on a spider's web" as described in Job 8:14-15. I am going to fall. I may desperately try to lean on or cling to it, but it will not hold. It was never meant to.

The first line in the praise song, "Firm Foundation", says, "Jesus, you're my firm foundation. I know I can stand secure." It's the thing I so desperately want but cannot provide for myself. Security. On my own, I am insecure. When I lean or cling to other people or other things, my security is not lasting. It will give way.

I think living in faith is realizing that all attempts to do things successfully on your own will fail, or atleast turn out badly. We need God. He is secure. We can lean on Him. We can cling to Him. This is why we can have hope. He will "uphold you with His righteous right hand" as promised in Isaiah 41:10. And He will not let you fall.

"Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long..." (DEUTERONOMY 33:12)

A Nudge and a Song

2011-09-09T11:06:00.006-04:00

A couple years ago I wrote a post entitled "Nothing Better Than A Good Book" and it's been awhile since something has been "good enough" to inspire a blog post about it.

The surprise of my summer reading came after I read, "The Reluctant Prophet". Written by Nancy Rue (co-writer of the Sullivan Crisp novels, "Healing Stones", "Healing Waters", and "Healing Sands") there is not much I dare say about the storyline (because I don't want to ruin it for you). It twists and turns and blossoms into something you may not expect. And it gently taps you on the shoulder, reminding you how intricately involved God is in each moment of our lives. How He often asks us to do things that don't make sense to us at the time, but if we follow His leading, He will do much more then we ever imagined. The main character was real to me, funny, questioning, and impulsive. I liked her because I could relate to her. The storyline isn't contrived, nor is it meant to guilt you into "service". Instead it encourages you to be aware of the nudges in your own life, believing that God has a great purpose for each one of us.

The back of the book describes the story in this way: "It's a total surprise when 40-something Allison Chamberlain feels a divine nudge to buy a Harley motorcycle and go wherever it takes her. Soon she finds herself in the darkest corners of society, experiencing the heartache of the poor. Will she discover that healing comes through the voice of God and those who follow it?"

To my delight, "The Reluctant Prophet" has a Part 2 coming out on September 24th called "Unexpected Dismounts". I hope you will consider reading this thought-provoking, inspiring work of fiction.

My second suggestion is music. We are always listening to something around here! I have written about my love for good, female singers before in my post "Song In My Heart". I would like to formally add Audrey Assad to that list of female artists.

I first heard Audrey Assad when I was randomly clicking on artists in iTunes one day. I liked her the moment I heard her. Her album, "The House Your Building" has become a fast favorite. My husband and I have also had the opportunity to see her in concert. She is a very humble, but extremely talented songwriter and singer. Her songs are from the heart and full of Truth. She seems to be making a name for herself these days and will be touring with another of my favorites, Sara Groves, this fall. I hope you'll give her a listen!

Getting Too Comfortable

2011-09-07T13:25:00.011-04:00

"The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry."
(adapted from a line in “To a Mouse,” by Robert Burns)

There is something comforting to me about having a plan. I don't always enjoy the extra work planning can sometimes bring, but it's totally worth it to me in the end. Planning helps me feel more in control and not necessarily in a bad way. Thinking things through and being prepared are good things. However, you cannot have a plan without having expectations. And we all know that best laid plans can always change or even go wrong.

The best way to describe last week was an adventure. We were scheduled for a weeks vacation at the beach when Hurricane Irene hit the east coast and disrupted our weekend plans. Disappointed and a little frustrated with not knowing whether the hurricane would cause enough damage to cancel our plans we did our best to keep our options open. Thankfully, it left a lot of rain and some tree branches behind and little else. We finally did get to the beach, a couple days late, but happy to be there.

If that was the only lesson we were meant to learn last week that would have been enough. On our second day on the beach a strong wave hit me (and probably a flying elbow) sending me to the ER for swelling and seven stitches on the bridge of my nose. I cannot describe the trauma this "minor" accident caused our family. We had been out swimming together and blood rushing down my face was not a sight my children knew quite how to handle. Initially struggling with the "why did that have to happen" I quickly changed my perspective to "thank you it wasn't something much worse". I didn't hit the bottom and I didn't lose consciousness. And as every Mom can identify with, I was super thankful it was me and not one of my kids. And so our best laid plans were disrupted again by my injury and we were left to process the trauma the rest of the week.

Apparently bad things do come in threes because at the end of our trip, when friends came to visit for the weekend, their little boy got lost on the beach and we frantically searched for a 3 year old whose legs carried him seven blocks from where we had been sitting. Praise God he was found relatively quickly and unharmed. But you have to know those minutes of not knowing were hideous.

So I have come away from that week knowing none of those things would have happened if we had just stayed at home, but believing everything happens for a reason, having no regrets about going. In our case, my nose will heal and that little guy is back where he belongs, but I cannot take one moment or person for granted. And I cannot get too comfortable, trusting in myself and my plans because they can change in an instant. I have faith that God is in control, even when my plans change, especially when my plans change.

The day after my nose accident, this song came over the iPod. It is a good reminder that although I do not know what is going to happen and I may not understand what does, I place my faith in the One who does know and "I know He watches me".

"HIS EYE IS ON THE SPARROW"
Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heav’n and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant Friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Enough IS Enough

2011-08-05T15:36:00.008-04:00

I'm a pretty glass half-full kind of person...except when it comes to money (what's that about?).

There is a certain amount of faith in the way we approach money. Our needs have always been provided for, food on the table, and everything we need for our kids. We don't really live without (when compared to those who actually do). We are more then blessed. So why do I doubt?

Money is like a hanging carrot. There is always more to be made. Stuff, stuff, stuff abounds around us and we are bombarded with images of life being easier, better, nicer, and more fun if we just had a little bit more.

I have a love/hate relationship with money. Some days I would rather just live in denial. Not think about (or worry about) money. To find satisfaction in what we have without thinking about what we COULD have.

There are days when the "moons align" and we have enough to pay the bills and then some. But then there are weeks when it all sort of unravels before your eyes and you wonder how you are going to make it work. This is not an unfamiliar song. How easily we are lured back into dissatisfaction. How one thing compounds another and you become overwhelmed by it all, especially when the "needs" start piling up.

Ultimately, I think money hits me where I'm weak. Money has the power to make me feel insecure. And insecurity is an issue for me. I feel insecure when I'm not in control. Oh, my...back to the control issues again! I'm not even convinced that having "enough" would actually make me feel secure because there is always a chance that enough won't be enough. And this is how the cycle of worry perpetuates.

God, help me to remember that tomorrow will take care of tomorrow and that You will provide. God, please help me to trust in a future I cannot see, knowing that whatever happens is "all for God's glory".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Anyone who loves money never has enough. Anyone who loves wealth is never satisfied with what he gets.

I've seen something very evil on earth. It's when wealth is stored up and then brings harm to its owner.
It's also when wealth is lost because of an unwise business deal. Then there won't be anything left for the owner's son.
A man is born naked.
He comes into the world with nothing.
And he goes out of it with nothing.
He doesn't get anything from his work that he can take with him.

I realized that it's good and proper for a man to eat and drink. It's good for him to be satisfied with his hard work on this earth. That's what he should do during the few days of life God has given him. That's what God made him for.

Sometimes God gives a man wealth and possessions. He makes it possible for him to enjoy them. He helps him accept the life he has given him. He helps him to be happy in his work. All of those things are gifts from God. A man like that doesn't have to think about how his life is going. That's because God fills his heart with joy."

ECCLESIASTES 5:10, 13-15,18-20

A Helpful Idea for a Long Car Ride

2011-07-27T11:00:00.010-04:00

We just returned from a wonderful week in the Outerbanks, North Carolina. It's a long drive from PA, about 8 hours and as you know, we have 2 kids. Trying to keep them occupied and happy for a long driving adventure can be a challenge. It's gotten easier as they've gotten older. I wanted to share with you an idea that came in extremely handy this year.

My daughter is an avid artist. She draws and colors every day, nearly all day. It keeps her busy and she enjoys it. We got a "new" minivan recently and it has 2 captains chairs instead of a bench seat. That little detail impacted my little artist greatly as she had no where to put her arsenal of coloring equipment in the car. Once buckled she couldn't reach it if it was on the floor. And when she put it on her lap (which isn't big enough for a container of pencils AND her drawing pad) they fell off and spilled all over. I knew I had to think of something better.

So my solution...a cosmetic bag. These were my stipulations -- it had to have clear, zippered pockets -- it had to hang from the top -- it had to fold up when it was done being used. I found the perfect one at Target. It wound up being a great option. With clear pockets she could find the color she wanted without taking all of them out. It could be organized with markers in one pocket, colored pencils in another, and crayons in a another. They all zip so there was no mess. It could hang on the seat in front of her. And when she was done with it, the whole thing folded up and attached to itself with velcro.

Anyway, I just wanted to share because it made my artist happy. And if my artist was happy, everyone was happy!

You Are Worth More Than Many Sparrows

2011-07-08T13:00:00.011-04:00

"Man is so much more sensitive to the contempt of others than to contempt for himself." --Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

With great purpose we were created. Individuals, uniquely talented and beautifully made. However, with every rejection, trauma, unmet expectation, incorrect assumption or perception, human beings weigh who God created them to be with their own interpretation of their value and worth. I suggest there is not a person alive that does not struggle to some degree with self-esteem, worth, or acceptance. But sometimes our perspective takes a nose dive and our lack of confidence becomes much more then "will I fit in". It becomes self-contempt.

Contempt for yourself usually means believing there is something wrong with you. That when bad things happen in your life it's because somehow you deserved it. If things don't work out in relationships it's because you did something wrong. It's your fault. Contempt of self convinces you that you don't deserve better. You may take what you can get, allow yourself to be mis-treated and mis-used. At the very least, you won't stand up for yourself or make healthy boundaries.

Believing that you are worthless is actually about pride. Pride is the "cultivation, preservation or exalting of self" (Webster's dictionary). Pride can be in thinking too much of yourself or thinking too little of yourself, self-protection, and a building up (or tearing down) of ourselves in our own eyes or in the eyes of others.

Do you dismiss other's praise? Do you reject compliments? Do you believe the worst about yourself?

Contempt can mask itself as humility. To many, humility is a virtue. But somewhere between modesty and meekness, caring for others and putting others needs first, we have decided we are not important...period. We see the value in others, but not in ourselves. We give others the benefit of the doubt. We believe others deserve happiness, but we don't. We convince ourselves that we have nothing to offer, so we offer nothing.

Humility is knowing that we need help. That we cannot succeed in this life apart from God. Humility is understanding our weakness. It's knowing that even though we are sinful and we don't deserve God's love for us, that we are in fact loved and forgiven because of Christ. But humility is also believing that God can use even me; that He sees my value and wants to have a relationship with me.

I know a lot of kind, beautiful, amazing women who cannot see their value. Women who settle. Women who have dreams, hopes, and desires, but won't voice them because they don't think they are important. If only they could see themselves the way God and others see them.

Believe the One who made you.

Believe that you are loved and valued by Him.

Believe that He wants what is best for you.

"Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." (Luke 12:6-7)

The Key To Change

2011-06-24T14:55:00.008-04:00

"The key to change...is to let go of fear." --Rosanne Cash

How is it that most humans hate change and yet God made it so that change is inevitable? From birth to death we are changing. Every choice we make effects us and often those around us. Some of the changes are so slow we can't see them day to day, but we know they are happening. Of course there are big changes that are hard to miss. Going from being single to married, having a child (or two or three), a new job, a new school, theses changes can make a huge impact on our lives and often there is much thought and discussion involved in making them.

I agree that fear holds us back from making changes and trying new things, but our fears also keep us from growing. I'm not sure that making changes means the absence of fear as much as it means pushing through our fear. I have yet to encounter a big decision that did not carry with it a basket full of questions, doubts, and fears. But I believe the blessing comes in embracing our inadequacies and self-doubts and trusting God to meet us there. Pushing through when we are afraid, facing our anxiety, and knowing that it's going to be okay.

My husband started a new job this week. He's been a remodeler for 12 years and this will the 4th company he has worked for. He left a company he'd been with nearly 5 years. Comfort and predictability had most assuredly set in and it was hard to contemplate "starting all over" at a new place. I'll save you the gory details of why exactly he decided to leave and suffice it to say God was leading and it was time. I'm proud of him for being willing to make that change and enter "the unknown".

The unknown...definitely the source of a lot of anxiety. People like to know what's going to happen. We like to know what to expect. It makes us feel secure. And yet God wants us to put ourselves out there. He wants us to reach beyond our comfort zones because it's in that place that we grow. No better way to learn about yourself. No better test of trust. No better opportunity to push past our fears and insecurities.

Perhaps the hardest changes of all are the ones made inside ourselves. It's a common theory that once we get to a certain age we are no longer capable of changing who we are, how we react, or what we think. I could not disagree more. But in order to change we have to want to change. It has to be a desire within our hearts. Change can take a lot of effort. It may mean breaking old stereotypes, accepting fault within ourselves, and dealing with issues we may not really want to confront. It may require figuring out why we do what we do. It almost always means seeing things from a new perspective, from someone else's shoes.

So maybe the "key to change" is more about where your heart is, whether you want to change, and whether your desire for change is enough to overcome your fear. The courage and desire comes from knowing and trusting God and having the faith to do what you have been called to do, irregardless of your fears.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." (JOSHUA 1:9)

Awesome Dad Admired Man (A.D.A.M.)

2011-06-20T12:35:00.002-04:00

When my nine year old was asked to describe something that is most precious to him he wrote "a LEGO ship that my Dad made". Sometimes we think we need to do something epic to get our children's attention and admiration, but it's truly the little things, the every day moments that our kids carry with them and treasure.

There is a struggle within me to fight the idea that achieving "the goal" makes me special, worthwhile, lovable. That if I work hard to "fix myself" that once I achieve "perfect" I will be valued (well, that will never happen). When I have something tangible to offer someone then I will find acceptance. The truth is that we all have an important role just as we are. God doesn't make mistakes. You are who you are for a reason. We are loved because we are, not because of who we are or what we have done.

Kids just want a Dad. They aren't looking for Superman or a father that has it all figured out. You don't need to be the strongest, smartest, most athletic. Kids want time. Real time. One-on-one, "I matter to my Dad" time. Because whether you like it or not, you are their hero.

Thank you, Adam, for being a great father. For making our family a priority. Thank you for being a silly, fun, engaged Dad. For loving and supporting our kids in their many endeavors. For being "Coach", "Teacher", and "Cheerleader". Thank you, Adam, for actively spending time with them, for your many sacrifices, and for your heartfelt desire to be the best Dad you can be for them. Thank you for putting Jesus first in your life and teaching and modeling Christ to them everywhere you go and in everything you do. We love you!

Oh My, Summer Is Here

2011-06-13T13:15:00.003-04:00

Last Friday was my kids' last day of school. I always sort of look forward to summer and days spent with my kids. After all, it's been a long school year and they deserve a break. Inevitably, the excitement of summer fades and is often replaced with drones of "I'm bored". The day becomes a challenge of survival instead of adventure. This year I'm looking to change all of that. I don't know how it will work longterm, but you never know if you don't try, right?

At the risk of looking too rigid, I wanted to share with you something we are going to try this summer to make our days more structured. I don't know many people who don't appreciate a little structure, even if they are not very good at creating it. I am definitely a planner, but even my ADHD husband appreciates (even needs) a good plan.

The kids and I came up with a daily schedule/routine that could be flexibly followed each day. When we are home we break down the morning and afternoon into 30 minute and 1 hour blocks. We decided together what activities fit into the blocks. Here is an example:

MORNING
7-7:30am Read
7:30-8am practice piano
8-8:30am eat breakfast
8:30-9:30am free play
9:30-10am math practice/summer homework packet
10-11am Wii/DS/or computer game
11-noon chores (clean up toys/room, collect trash/recycling, etc.)
noon-1pm Lunch

The afternoon is similar in structure. Two times a day (right before mealtimes) they are to pick up around the house. I am hoping this will keep the house from becoming a disaster area (a girl can hope anyway). This isn't a rigid schedule. There will be days when we have to run errands like to the grocery store or other appointments, but this schedule gives us a rough outline of how our day can go. And I'm hoping it eliminates the "I'm bored" comments since they can refer to the schedule for ideas of what to do.

I also want to encourage the kids to read this summer and I found 2 free incentive programs for reading. One is through TD Bank where kids have to read 10 books and will receive $10 in a young saver bank account. The other is through Barnes & Noble where they have to read 8 books and will receive a free book (from a list). I found these links, along with several others at Spoiled but not Rotten.

So here's to the beginning of another long summer filled with fun and adventure and a great balance of doing stuff we want to do and have to do. Hope we make it to August with smiles still on our faces!

If you have any tips, ideas, free stuff to do with kids this summer, feel free to share! I'm always looking for good ideas!

A Perspective of Thanks

2011-05-23T11:24:00.004-04:00

On Monday I feel the raggedness of an overdone weekend. All the things we "had to do" and the rest we didn't get. I sigh out a weeks worth of chaos, hoping this Monday begins a slower, calmer week.

As easy as it is for me to take on the stresses and burdens of this life it is perhaps in that very moment that I need, require a new perspective. For every dark rain cloud there is a sun burst hiding behind it. So when the Eeyore in me wants to complain about the incessant rain, the hectic schedule, and the many things that are seemingly not going my way, it is as good a time as any to consider the rose instead of its thorns.

My "Multitudes":

--fresh mulch on a spring flower and veggie garden
--the anticipation of homegrown tomatoes this summer
--a baseball helmet that protects heads...and noses
--a Pastor that preaches the Truth, even when it might hurt
--spontaneous play dates with neighbor/friends
--an empty kitchen sink and school lunches made by my husband
--blooming irises (my favorite)
--my husband's job and the Lord's provision in it
--a school and teachers that my children are excited to spend Monday with
--a healthy household
--the smell of basil and lavender emanating from my dining room windowsill
--love undeserved and no condemnation (John 8:1-11)

Patience In The Process

2011-05-20T11:47:00.011-04:00

“Time is free, but it's priceless. You can't own it, but you can use it. You can't keep it, but you can spend it. Once you've lost it you can never get it back.”
-- Harvey MacKay

The passage of time means progress. Like an escalator is in continuous forward motion, we are all moving through time. But unlike the escalator, we cannot stop time and we cannot step off when we have "arrived". Time is constant, but life is hardly on a steady course. Our lives are often compared to the ocean tides that ebb and flow, the valleys and mountains, or a mega-rollercoaster full of dips, turns, highs and lows.

Part of the fun of hiking a trail is the process of getting from the trailhead at the beginning to the trailhead at the end. On a recent hiking adventure with our kids we were met with many challenges due to a rainstorm that had passed through the area the day before. The trail was muddy and there was often a steady stream of water flowing down the middle of what should have been the path. We had to maneuver around puddles, climb over fallen trees, and find a way over a small stream that had become a large one overnight. Each obstacle was met with both hesitation and determination. Should we turn back? How could we find our way across or around?
There were several missteps. There was a battle for the "leader" position (our kids fighting their Daddy for it). There were even moments of hopelessness and frustration. But we didn't turn back. Sometimes we had to walk away from the trail to avoid flooded sections, but we kept the trail in sight and returned to it as soon as we could. And when we had finished and returned to the car we all felt a sense of accomplishment and were glad we had stuck it out.

Why do I fight the process so much? The process takes time to complete. There may be many steps and smaller processes that need to be worked through, obstacles in the way, and questions that need to be asked and answered. We must accept that we are in a process and be patient in it. A lot of times I want to rush the process. If I could only see what the end result will be, then I would know whether it was worth all the trouble. What if I never get to the end? What if I get off the trail and can't find my way back again?

Like the hiking trail, we had to literally take one step at a time, deal with each obstacle as it came. Perhaps if we knew what was ahead we would have turned back, but there was always a chance of something better around the next bend. It is that hope that can keep you persevering through the difficult things. It is that hope that may escort you through each adventure life throws at you.

Celebrating Mothers!

2011-05-10T11:33:00.012-04:00

A newborn baby, so completely dependent and innocent. Yet we know it is only a matter of time before they experience their first disappointment, their first boo-boo, or their first unmet expectation. As a Mom you know that you cannot keep these things from coming and you know sometimes these disappointments will come from your own hands. We do the best we can with what we know, motivated by what we hope and desire for our kids. From the moment they are born we are teaching them to not need us. We are training and preparing them for the long road ahead, knowing they need to learn independence and to speak up for themselves. As much as we love those early years when only a Mom can soothe a hurt we know that they need to learn how to jump up and dust themselves off and try again.

Children can be such a huge source of worry for a Mom. We are their "protectors" and we want to guard them from unnecessary struggles. It can be a mighty tug on a Momma's heart when you want to save them from the things that are difficult for them, but you know they must walk through it themselves, without your help.

I have experienced this firsthand with my son. Seeing the struggle early on for him to put himself out there or speak up for himself. We witnessed many occasions where he stood on the "sidelines" watching other kids having fun. What I wanted for him was to be part of it, experience it, and enjoy all that life has to offer. What a difficult life lesson to teach an introvert! But something changed for him this year. Call it growth or maturity or maybe the desire to be a part of it started to outweigh the anxiety to taking that first step, but he has really taken some amazing steps forward this year, surprising me and showing me that my own kid can teach me a few things!

In teaching opportunities with him we have often referenced him to Romans 5:3-5, "We are full of joy even when we suffer. We know that our suffering gives us the strength to go on. The strength to go on produces character. Character produces hope. And hope will never let us down. God has poured his love into our hearts. He did it through the Holy Spirit, whom he has given to us." This perseverance, or strength to go on, means trying something even if it challenges us, volunteering for something even if it's out of our comfort zone, or participating in something new even though we have no idea how to do it.

These thing may come easy to some, but it does not come easy to him. So I'm celebrating Caleb doing the hard things, but I hope it is also an encouragement to you, to persevere, to join and not avoid, to push through things that give you anxiety so you may receive its blessings. What are the blessings, you might ask? In the verse perseverance produces character and strength in character is a great blessing in and of itself. Doing the difficult thing, pushing through it, and seeing, even proving to yourself that you can do it, that it isn't as bad as you might have imagined it to be often gives you new confidence.

This may surprise some of you, but my natural inclination is to be introverted. I was a hesitant child, I liked to hide behind my mother's legs upon meeting someone new. I still fight anxiety and discomfort in a room of people I don't know. And yet, somehow I have been able to overcome it. I don't let it stop me from trying new things. I have learned, through experience, to push through the fear and anxiety. I have figured out how to trust. I don't always know the "right" thing to say. I still get butterflies in my stomach sometimes. But having those feelings is not necessarily a reason to not do whatever I want to do. And sometimes, it's a sure sign that I need to do it.

Happy Mother's Day! Celebrating the women who open their hearts to loving and preparing children to spread their wings to fly.

Spring's New Birth

2011-05-03T14:03:00.004-04:00

Spring has sprung like a second chance. The barrenness of winter taken over by blossoms and flowers and green grass. The end of each season making me appreciate the next. I kept watch for the day when small, simple buds burst into lush green leaves. Oh, what a welcome sight! Trading knit hats and sweaters for shorts and flip-flops. The daylight lingers on into evening now and the fresh scent of spring air infests our house and our noses. One deep breath of it can carry my cares away, atleast for a moment.

As I walk through Spring I am reminded that we all have a story. There is always something more behind the masks we wear. Spring bursts forth in a beautiful display of colors, but do we forget the cold wind that chilled us only weeks ago? That there are hurting people hiding behind a smile and an office desk.

Love melts away walls. Love lets people know that they aren't alone. Love shows them there is hope.

So thankful today for friends; my many deep, true, lasting friendships, as well as the new relationships that are taking root and growing this school year!

"His great love is new every morning. Lord, how faithful you are!" LAMENTATIONS 3:23

April Was A Blur

2011-04-25T14:38:00.005-04:00

It's true. I have been a stranger. For some reason April does that to me. Baseball season has started, birthdays, Easter, a long weekend getaway to the mountains and April has zipped by without a passing glance. Maybe I have a case of writer's block, but although my desire to write is strong, I can't seem to get my thoughts organized enough to write something down. Whatever the case, I'm finding that writing takes time and I have been short on that lately.

So Caleb is doing his baseball thing. He had his first game last Friday night (under the lights -- which is apparently a big deal). His team barely won and he executed a play from right field. Go, Caleb! He had his first experience at the plate with a kid pitching. That did not go so well, but he's learning. And Adam had his first taste of coaching. One of the kids called him "coach" and he got a good chuckle about that. Who would have thought Adam would be called coach? I think it's great, actually.

Right before Easter we got away on a long weekend trip to the Poconos. A free stay in someone's lakehouse was just what we needed. Although the weather was kind of funky (apparently it often is in the mountains) we still made the best of it. It's just the best of both worlds up there, being near the water (at Fairview Lake) and hiking in the mountains with the beautiful forests. It was lots of fun!

Yesterday was Easter, a day of celebration and remembrance for all that God has done. I would like to share this song with you. My loving husband took me to a concert for my birthday in early April and we got to see Matt Maher in concert (with Audrey Assad and Jars of Clay). He sang this song and it really struck a chord with me. That no matter what has happened in our life. For all the times when we wonder if God is there and why he lets things happen. When we feel alone in our doubts, fears, and shame, the simple truth in this song is a good reminder that He has always been and always will be there for you. That is why Jesus came. That is why He died on the cross. It was all for us!

Loving an Adult with A.D.D.

2011-04-13T21:43:00.007-04:00

We're new at this. It's only been about the last year or so since we finally came to the conclusion that my husband has A.D.D. (attention deficit disorder). Now it seems obvious, but it has been a slowly unraveling "diagnosis". Realizing this has given us great insight into some of the conflicts, emotions, and frustrations we both have experienced with one another. Before it felt like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. Now it feels like the pieces are starting to fit.

Fifteen years ago, schools were not diagnosing, let alone aware, that A.D.D. even existed. Today it seems prevalent and at times perhaps, over diagnosed. The lack of awareness back when my husband was in school left him feeling frustrated, alone, and well, like he was stupid. The latter is probably the most irritating thing of all because he is not stupid, but spent the better part of his life feeling like he was (and still struggles with it sometimes). Those feelings, coupled with personality and other issues, resulted in a rebellious, angry teenager struggling in school and feeling frustrated and overwhelmed with life. And of course, those issues get carried on and continued to wreak havoc as he went to college and even now, as he is a husband, father, and employee.

So how do you love someone with A.D.D.? And how can you help make their world a little easier to navigate?

We are both still learning what A.D.D. is and how it plays out in his life today (as an adult). When you don't understand how A.D.D. effects your spouse it can be downright frustrating sometimes. Walking into the kitchen to find a carton of milk left out on the counter, him not being able to prioritize or make decisions, or him feeling completely overwhelmed at work and at home...these are some of our realities. And yet, beginning to understand and make connections as to why things play out a certain way helps me to try to be a more sympathetic spouse, to hopefully be less demanding, and to work with him to figure out ways I can help him.

Sometimes it's hard to know whether a behavior is because of A.D.D. or whether it's a personality trait. And maybe it doesn't really matter, but joining the A.D.D. "family" (for lack of a better word) has given him peace in knowing he's not the only one that views the world this way and that there's not something "wrong" with him. It's not just a label or an excuse. We are not there yet and we have a long way to go in truly understanding the kind of support he needs. It can be hard to be married to someone with A.D.D. because, let's face it, you just don't think, learn, or process the same way.

If you are married to a spouse with A.D.D. or are a spouse with A.D.D. are there any systems or things you have put into place that have been especially helpful for you? I have a lot to learn about supporting my husband in this and I would love to be able to make things easier for him by understanding how he thinks and in what ways I can tangibly help, atleast on the home front.

I have since written an update. Click here to read more.

The Sabbath

2011-04-11T22:30:00.003-04:00

About a year ago I read the book, "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World" by Joanna Weaver. I was pleasantly surprised how much I was encouraged by what the author had to say. One particular part of the book spoke specifically to keeping the Sabbath.

"Remember to keep the Sabbath day holy. Do all of your work in six days. But the seventh day is a Sabbath in honor of the Lord your God. Do not do any work on that day. The same command applies to your sons and daughters, your male and female servants, and your animals. It also applies to any outsiders who live in your cities. In six days I made the heavens and the earth. I made the oceans and everything in them. But I rested on the seventh day. So I blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy" (EXODUS 20:8-11).

Sound familiar? It's one of God's "Ten Commandments". Over the past several years our weekends have become more and more scheduled. I imagine it will only get worse as the kids get older and are involved in more and more activities. There have been points where we have had to write "No plans" on the calendar for a Saturday during the month just so we could be home for once. And it's not just Saturdays that got over-scheduled, but Sundays became (and I hate to say this) the worst day of the week for us, stress-filled, restless, anxious, and hectic. Not what it was meant to be.

In the book, Weaver reminded me that God created the Sabbath for a reason. It's not just a rule he felt like giving us because he needed ten. God the creator knew that we need to rest. We need a day off. We need a day that is "set apart" from all of the other days of the week. The Sabbath is supposed to be a day of rest. An opportunity to do things you don't normally have the time to do. She wasn't so concerned that the Sabbath day actually be a Sunday, but if Sunday doesn't work for whatever reason, you make it a priority to make one day out of the seven your Sabbath. Weaver takes it a step further stating that your Sabbath should be free of birthday parties, playdates, running errands, doing laundry, working, etc. But if you enjoy gardening and gardening is restful, not a chore that needs to be done, then by all means do that on the Sabbath. I think you are getting the picture.

This Sabbath reminder caused us to re-evaluate our weekends, particularly our Sundays. For the first time in several years we made a decision to make Sunday an intentional day of rest. It has been amazing how different our Sundays are now, filled with family time and rest, with no agenda, and no planned errands or chores. It's peaceful and preparatory for the work/school week ahead. And although sometimes we wind up having to schedule something or making a choice to do something we "have to do" rather then something we "want to do", I think we are experiencing the essence of God's intention for keeping the Sabbath. We are enjoying the fruit of obedience to God's command.

So I just wanted to share with you how significant preserving and prioritizing a Sabbath day has been in our family and to encourage you to consider making Sunday or another day of the week a day of rest for your family.

"God's promise of enjoying his rest still stands. So be careful that none of you fails to receive it" (HEBREWS 4:1).

A Case of "Inadequate"

2011-03-31T10:36:00.004-04:00

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." ISAIAH 41:10

Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to offer. That I'm inadequate somehow. I am constantly surprised that God chooses to use me in service to Him. I'm willing to guess that most of us suffer from a case of "inadequate". Unfortunately it's easy to use that as an excuse to not do what we feel led to do or we allow it to render us ineffective in our service.

John Piper is the Pastor for Preaching at Bethlehem Baptist Church in Minneapolis, Minnesota. For six years he taught Biblical Studies at Bethel College in St. Paul, Minnesota. In the sermon "Do Not Eat the Bread of Anxious Toil" he tells a story about walking to class feeling anxious and him deciding to believe that the success or failure of the class lies ultimately on God, not him. He says, "I can't carry the weight of whether this class likes me today, Lord. I can't carry the weight of whether they may ask me questions beyond my ability, Lord. I can't carry the weight of opening their hearts to believe the doctrine of your sovereignty, Lord. These weights are too heavy! They are yours! And I have found that God is not only willing but eager to take the burden of final responsibility for whether the house gets built and the city is saved. And for me that is a great reason not to be anxious in my labor."

This was very powerful to me. As you probably know by now I am a "recovering control freak" and John Piper's example is encouragement to surrender and trust the Lord. God's got it! He can handle it! He will give me strength. He will help me.

It is so easy for me to think that if I were just good enough, prepared enough, and knew all the answers, that those things would make me capable and adequate to do whatever it is I'm trying to do. No wonder I worry! To surrender the "responsibility" of the success or failure of something to God and allowing Him to "do the work" through me is a huge relief. Especially since He is supposed to be the center of everything I do.

"If the Lord doesn't build a house, the work of its builders is useless.
If the Lord doesn't watch over a city, it's useless for those on guard duty to stand watch over it.
It's useless for you to work from early morning until late at night just to get food to eat.
God provides for those he loves even while they sleep."
PSALM 127:1-2

Ho-Hum

2011-03-24T13:44:00.008-04:00

I've been feeling a little "tossed about" the past few weeks. Not necessarily anything specifically knocking me off balance, but just not feeling myself. I want to write on the blog but the words don't come. My time eaten away by the pressures of things that need to get done. And even in my rare moments of stillness, I'm terribly distracted. Has this ever happened to you?

If I were to articulate some of the highlights of the past few weeks I might like to tell you about my amazing son who has been courageously showing me that he's no longer a little boy. Naturally introverted and a cautious observer, he has been pushing through those walls and participating in ways that challenge his natural bent. That he is playing baseball for the first time ever, not knowing most of the nuances of the sport, but showing up to practice anyway, willing to try his best even though it was uncomfortable for him. That he was asked to be the Emcee for the K-3rd grade Town Meeting at school and he accepted, even though it meant he would have to lead the meeting and talk into a microphone in front of everyone. That he took me on a date, ordered the tomato pie, and without prompting took money out of his own bank and insisted he pay for it.
Can you tell I'm a proud Momma?

So as I stand with my head in the dark cloud, perhaps the best way to find the sun again is to remember all the beautiful blessings going on around me. The way my daughter takes my breath away when she smiles, how beautiful her delicate six year old voice is when she sings, how she dances around the house without a care in the world, and how she instinctively cares for others. I am so blessed!

And in the continuing journey of life that my husband and I are taking together, God has helped Adam turn a new corner as husband, father, and leader of this family. How overwhelmed I am in the new ways Adam is showing his love for me. In his willingness to try God is faithfully revealing to him what biblical leadership looks like (particularly through sermons like "Adam, Where Are You?" by Pastor John Piper) and it's redefining our marriage.

I often feel undeserving of this life I have, full of more blessings then I can speak of, and yet they are all mine! Thank you for your patience as I process through the things laying on my heart right now.

"Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. " LAMENTATIONS 3:22-23

"I DON'T WANT TO!"

2011-03-11T10:37:00.009-05:00

"I don't want to!" demands the child.
"Well, why not?" returns her brother.
"Just because," she cries.
"Because is not a reason!"

Honestly, I think I've had this argument with myself before. I may not wrinkle up my nose and cross my arms, but my own stubbornness has at times kept me from doing things I know I was supposed to do. Now a days they call stubbornness "strong willed" or "obstinate". I usually see it as "disobedience". What I have come to learn in myself is that when I'm feeling challenged to do something my "I don't want to just because" response usually means it is something I SHOULD do. It's true that "just because" is not necessarily an answer and if we dig a little deeper inside the "I don't want to" we usually find either stubbornness, fear, or both.

We had a great speaker at my church's Ladies Day of Inspiration and she spoke about things that rob you of your joy or "Joy-busters". I took home a new way of looking at worry, fear, & anxiety. She referred to them as "fantasy", which is exactly what they are. We dream up, concoct, imagine any number of things that COULD happen and we allow that fantasy to create worry, fear, and anxiety within us. These fantasies are not based on reality and yet we often allow them to hold us back from doing the things we feel called to do or if we do it anyway we are miserable the whole time."What if" can swallow us up and keep us from experiencing the peace of Christ.

I think most of the time the "what if" is scarier then the "what is".

What are you being called to today?

What truth are you "rejecting" because you are just being stubborn?

Is it really fear that is holding you back?

The Gift of Try

2011-03-04T13:36:00.003-05:00

--a poem dedicated to my husband, Adam

You can't promise you will,
but you can promise to try.
This gift of try that you give to me,
displayed by your passionate heart and faithful efforts.
To be who you are and more.
That even when you feel like less,
you want more.

The gift of try births hope.
This hope abounding and
bringing my expectations back to earth.
What you think you want
is the assurance of "I will".
Perfection unattainable
we can only hope for
a commitment to try.
That's all we really want anyway.

Thank you for the "try"
God has planted within you.
Your motivation to step out on the ledge
and the faith you have
to believe God will catch you,
lead you,
strengthen you,
encourage you,
to try your best for us.
That's enough for me.

Battling Against Time

2011-02-23T10:24:00.009-05:00

Time teases me. How often I think I have a lot of it, but an hour passes like a breath. The intangibility of time as seconds, minutes become a whole day passed. Go to sleep and wake up to do it all over again. Time slips away and as much as I try to hold onto it, it's gone.

Time is precious, but more often then not wasted. Daily I fight against time. I try to plan it, schedule it, use every moment of it. As if it's something to be conquered. But best laid plans fizzle as opportunities unfold and we become distracted by all life has to offer. It's as if my battle with time becomes the very thing that distracts me from what's most important. My "To Do" list pressures me to complete tasks, but without one I get "nothing" done.

How we spend our time seems so relative to what we see as priorities in life. So what does it say about my priorities when I put the daily tasks of life before spending time with God? Or that I get so caught up in accomplishing the things on my list that I treat God like a thing I have to do instead of a relationship?

My agenda for the day can be sidetracked by a phone call from a friend or an unplanned visit with a neighbor or quality time opportunities with the kids. These distractions I often welcome, even indulge in so that I can put off things I am not in the mood to do. But am I willing to take this kind of relationship-building time with God?

I must admit that I am failing in this area. I am a juggler. I almost take pride in being able to keep more then one ball up in the air at a time. I'm that person that hates making extra trips. Let's see how many grocery bags I can carry in at one time. And I'm not terribly good at being still. I feel like I should be DOING something.

I have been encouraged reading Brother Lawrence's words in "The Practice of the Presence of God". He writes:

"To be constantly aware of God's presence, it is necessary to form the habit of continually talking with Him throughout each day. To think we must abandon conversation with Him in order to deal with the world is erroneous."

So this has become my compromise with myself. A perfectionist at heart that thinks relating to God should look a certain way or it doesn't count? I would rather be in conversation with God throughout my day then to not do it at all because my posture isn't right or there are too many distractions or I don't have a big chunk of time to devote to conversation and prayer with God. This is not to say that carving out a time to be still with God isn't important and worthwhile, but it isn't the ONLY way to take time with Him. And understanding that, has been a great encouragement to me. Because God doesn't care the method I use to come to Him, He just wants me to come.

My Beloved Is Mine and I Am His

2011-02-14T13:22:00.008-05:00

"My beloved is mine and I am his." (Song of Solomon 2:16)

From nothing, a brown cluster of root, springs life. A green shoot reaching to the sky. And soon a bud, tightly bound in its calyx, still green. The warmth of the spring sun coaxing the stem upward. Stem reveals thorns, red and sharp, dissuading a curious touch or mindless nudge. As spring dances with the upcoming summer, the green binding slowly loosens to reveal color. Casually the bud begins to blossom, revealing layer upon layer of sweet smelling petals. An intricate maze of petals finally revealing it's golden center.

Love is like a rose.

It starts from nothing. Interest and connection spurring forth a "shoot". I am worthy of love. At first, all is new, our guard is up, the bud is bound up tight. We continue forward, a complicated mix of character, personality, upbringing and opinions, either coaxing love upward or wilting it. We meet the first of many thorns. Will our differences get in the way? The dance continues with optimistic enthusiasm, but as time progresses, we (hopefully) begin to unravel the beauty and intricacies of the person we are pursuing. It doesn't take long to see whether you compliment or clash with each other. The pursuit convinces you to let love in, to slowly loosen your grip, and allow glimpses of the real you. Your love begins to blossom, an intricate maze of getting to know each other and growing into a full, mature love.

Unlike the rose, it may take a lifetime to grow into beautiful, sweet smelling love. We are all at different points in the process. The maze of layers keep things new. Going on 12 years of marriage I'm still learning things about my husband. God wants us to continuously be growing and maturing in our faith. As we mature in faith, it takes our love to new levels.

There is great comfort and gratitude to be able to say and mean "my beloved is mine and I am his". This is a promise and a commitment to one man, forever. It will (not may) come with a pile of conflict, disagreements, and "worse" times. But it will also be full of a whole lot of "better".

To my husband, Adam -- to know that God chose you for me, to trust His dreams for us, and to feel and see all the many ways you love me is a great blessing to me -- I am in this until the end. With love, Your Forever Wife

Happy Valentine's Day!

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,—I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!—and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
-- Sonnet 43 by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Love One Another

2011-02-11T13:48:00.006-05:00

"Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13:34-35

Ponder "love" long enough and you begin to wonder what the word even means. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary "love" is a noun. In it's definition I find "affection", "attachment", "attraction", "admiration" and "adoration". When you love you are devoted, loyal, and unselfish. Love means you have benevolent (disposition to do good, be kind) concern for another person.

You may have grown up knowing you were loved. Most of us have felt love for someone or something before. I accept that "love" in the English language is a noun (a person, place, or thing), but last time I checked "love" wasn't something I can touch or hold. Maybe "love" as it was first intended is something that is supposed to be done (an action) rather then just a thing.

Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love, but I wonder how many of us actually know what it means to love. Christians understand that we are called to love. Ten times in the bible God uses the phrase "love your neighbor".

“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:37-40)

The Lord has been working on my heart over the last year, challenging my idea of what love actually looks like. If love was considered an action, then how do I show love to others? Because it's not just a feeling I have or affection towards someone. I can show love by how I speak or how I listen, how I serve others, how I forgive, and most importantly, perhaps, making sure my heart and motivation is right as I'm loving others. Am I grumbling and complaining while I'm helping? Am I helping because I have something to gain or I'm worried about what other people think about me? Love isn't about me.

I have read several books on biblical love recently and I'm overwhelmed by this simple truth, of everything we are called by God to be, boil it all down and it starts and ends with love. Look at the Ten Commandments and if you are loving then it would be easy to obey them. This is why the two greatest commandments are about love. If you love the Lord and you love your neighbor then everything else flows out of that love.

Easy to say, perhaps harder to do...atleast all of the time. We all get distracted by our own selfish desires, which get in the way of our ability to love the way God calls us to. But I believe it's more important to try then to not try at all. God's love is unfailing and abounding. His love endures forever. Loving perfectly, as does the Lord, doesn't come until you meet God face to face.

"Your love, LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies." (Psalm 36:5)

How do you show love? What does it mean to you to love?

Happy Love Day!

"I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." (Ephesians 3:17-19)

There Is A Time for Everything

2011-02-02T16:14:00.007-05:00

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace."
(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

I think we're in a time of snow! When I look outside my window I see a blanket of white, thick and heavy, covering our yard, the grass, the bushes. I know I'm in the minority, but I really do enjoy the snow season. The fluffy white covers and changes the look of this dead neighborhood, brightens it, and makes it beautiful again. I don't get excited about the storm because I know the snow will melt. It will not be winter forever. And when this season is over I will be ready for the next change, spring and it's growing and blooming. I really love the changing seasons!

This verse from Ecclesiastes really sums up life. I have navigated some of these "times" without hesitation. It's not hard to figure out when it's a time to weep or a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. But what about "a time to search and a time to give up"? That's a pretty important one to get right. How will I know which "season" I'm in? What if I'm scattering stones when I'm supposed to be gathering them?

I think more times then not I am asking those questions. How will I know? What should I do? How do I decide?

Last week one of our children got caught in a lie. All of the sudden a series of untruths were revealed and we had to deal with the issue of lying. As parents we do the best that we can, but does anyone really know how to handle these things? I certainly felt at a loss, wanting to do the right thing and keep it from continuing any further. I suppose most kids go through a phase of this at one point or another. It's a life lesson and I welcome the opportunity to make our stance on it clear to both of our children. Our Pastor's sermon last Sunday was a great reminder to center it all on God, our parenting, our discipline, everything we encounter in life. Like the planets orbit around the sun, our lives should orbit around the Son.

We're also dealing with some truck issues and when I started this post I had no information. It's the transmission, but for the last day or so we have been in a holding pattern. They couldn't even get it to start let alone to figure out what was wrong or how much it would cost us. And in that space of "not knowing" the questions revisit about what we will do and how to decide. Even in prayer the answers do not come falling out of the sky (sometimes I wish they would).

It's in this place when I don't know what to do or what's going to happen that I have to ACTIVELY be working and choosing my responses. I can very easily start on a train of worry that will take me off into "crazy land". I have to really keep my thoughts in check as I try to wait patiently for the information that will come. And I know even having the information won't necessarily ease my mind. I know the right thing to do is to surrender. God knows what's going to happen and He will help us deal with whatever comes. Boy is that hard!

I love and am convicted by these quotes (both from Paul Miller author of "A Praying Life") about surrendering to God.

"The great struggle of my life is not trying to discern God's will; it is trying to discern and then disown my own. Once I see that then prayer flows. I have to be praying because I'm no longer in charge. Either I see all of life as a gift, or I demand that life have a certain look to it."

"Anxiety wants to be God but lacks God's wisdom, power, or knowledge. Because anxiety is self on its own, it tries to get control. It is unable to relax in the face of chaos."

My heart wants to "relax in the face of chaos". My mind wants to hide under that pile of snow in my front yard and wait until spring thaws me out. I'll leave you with this final Paul Miller quote (his "A Praying Life" book is a must have).

"If God is sovereign, then he is in control of all the details of my life. If he is loving, then he is going to be shaping the details of my life for my good. If he is all-wise, then he's not going to do everything I want because I don't know what I need."

Where's that snow pile???

An Expression of Love

2011-01-26T09:50:00.007-05:00

In the quiet, him & me time, I am amazed at all marriage is; all that it could be. And sometimes, when our baggage gets in the way, I think about how it was supposed to be when God first created. The picture of Adam and Eve before "the fall" (Genesis 2) is beautiful in my mind, but it's not how it is now. Are we on a path to getting there?

Our baggage takes many forms. A suitcase full of things learned, truths believed. But where did our ideas of boys, relationships, marriage, even sex come from? Was it truth from the Creator? Or did we pick it up from our parents, our public school health class, our peers, romantic movies, or worse, the inside walls of a bathroom stall?

The world I've seen, the information I've collected over time tells me sex is an impersonal, self-gratifying act. It holds no value anymore. And the more impersonal it becomes the easier it is to give it away. It becomes a physical action. No romance, no emotional connection, no LOVE. It has become a meaningless act. People using each other, to feel loved or for physical release. Nothing more, nothing less.

I think what we believe about marriage and love plays into this husband and wife union. And when our ideas, our beliefs, our expectations come together in holy matrimony it could make a mess instead of a blessing. It happened to us; perhaps it's happened to most.

Does a wife spend most of her time trying not to be known intimately? Just because you "meet" your spouse in the bedroom doesn't mean you are sharing intimacy. Making love is not about what you need and what he needs. If you ask yourself why you are coming to your spouse, wanting to share this time and space together, what would you say? The answer may be different each time. Or perhaps it's always the same. If you do it just because it's what you're "supposed" to do. If you check out in the middle, if you "have a headache", if you "hurry up and get it over with", then your missing out on something. If you do it to "keep" him, if you do it so he "keeps his eyes on you", that's not what intimacy is all about.

What if it meant something? What if you spent time letting each other into the deepest parts, sharing everything, not just skin?

Every time we give it away, even when it's with our spouse, every time it DOESN'T mean something more, when it's just an act or something we do, are you satisfied? Do you feel closer, more connected to your spouse? Because I believe this intimacy is PART of our expression of LOVE to one another. If it doesn't leave you feeling loved, cherished, safe then are we just using each other?

If everything we do is to glorify God, then we must include intimacy with our spouse in that. And although I've been talking about physical intimacy primarily here, that also means emotionally. Do we express our deepest thoughts and feelings? Women are definitely better at this, but it doesn't mean husbands don't have to go there. In fact, I believe emotional intimacy where we vulnerably share the deepest parts of our hearts leads to true physical intimacy.

It's hard enough to do this without relationship baggage. It's much harder when you have been battered and bruised. But we are still called to love.

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." (Ephesians 5:25-33)

Why is it so difficult to share who we are? Why is it so difficult to love one another like we were made to? I know for me it can come out of fear, insecurity, and a lack of confidence and trust. What holds you back?

Your marriage union means you're on the same team, working together to live out Ephesians 5. It is hard. I don't believe it was meant to be easy. God knows good things come from having to work at it. We love and cherish the things we've worked hardest to keep. Struggling in this area isn't any different. When you have to work at love and intimacy it makes the experience sweeter. My husband and I have had to work hard to make this marriage work. And God continues to reveal new areas that need His light. Intimacy happens to be one of those areas right now. I never thought about how my view on, my perspective on intimacy could so strongly effect my marriage.

So again I ask, where did your understanding about relationships, marriage, sex come from? Was it from the Creator or the created?

Melting the Ice, Learning to Love

2011-01-19T13:23:00.005-05:00

A two-hour school delay after a night of precipitation. Snow, freezing rain, sleet... Outside our front window we have a pink dogwood tree, bare of leaves in it's winter slumber. It's branches dressed in a clear sheet of ice. Hard yet delicate. Beautiful, like glass, a sheen of clear crystal.

Inside it's crystal casing a living tree, dormant, but not dead. Waiting for warmer rain and a springtime that will come. Sleet turns to rain and slowly the ice melts away leaving the bare branches free, yet exposed.

And it got me to thinking...

My heart. I keep it protected from most. My hard exterior, pleasant yet cautious. I am covered, my heart is covered by this thick skin. No one can see inside unless I let them. But no matter what I show or the me I project, my heart is delicate. We all want for the same thing. To be loved. To be valued.

What if our shell was clear like ice? What if we could all see the living, beating heart inside? What if we couldn't hide who we are, how we feel, or why we are afraid? Would we be more loving, understanding of each other?

I am special and unique. God made me that way. No one else is like me and yet, I still want to fit in.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
(PSALM 139:13-18)

I rarely show you who I am. Because my skin is not a clear shell. And although sometimes I feel free and exposed, I carefully build back that wall or throw on an extra layer of protection, just in case. I make assumptions. I believe lies. I let you see me in parts.

But why? Why are we so motivated by fear? Fear of rejection? Fear of being and showing who we really are? Sharing how we really feel?

Where do we find our identity? Who do we believe?

"Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." (Luke 12:6-8; Matthew 10:29-31)

Because whether we like it or not we are loved by God, even the unbeliever. You can't escape it. And it's a love like we can never fully know because it's a love we aren't capable of giving away. We think we are loving, but what does it mean to love anyway? Who taught us what love is? Because it's not a one-night stand, giving a gift so you can get one, helping so you can feel better about yourself, putting your needs first, disrespecting, objectifying, judging. Love is undeserved. It is self-less. It is compassion, empathy, sacrifice.

I have a lot to learn about love. But we have a wonderful example in Jesus. Consider reading "Love Walked Among Us" by Paul Miller, a great book that scratches the surface of how to love like Jesus.

Could we melt the ice by allowing ourselves to be free and exposed, letting people see who we really are?

Could we learn to love by taking the time to see through each other's thick skin to the living, delicate heart inside?

------------------------------------------------------------------
HOLD ON - by Nichole Nordemann

It will find you at the bottom of a bottle
It will find you at the needle's end
It will find you when you beg and steal and borrow
It will follow you into a stranger's bed

It will find you when they serve you with the papers
It will find you when the locks have changed again
It will find you when you've called in all your favors
It will meet you at the bridge's highest ledge

So baby don't look down, it's a long way
The sun will come around to a new day

So hold on
Love will find you
Hold on
He's right behind you now
Just turn around
And love will find you

It will find you when the doctor's head is shaking
It will find you in a boardroom, mostly dead
It will crawl into the foxhole where you're praying
It will curl up in your halfway empty bed

So baby don't believe that it's over
Maybe you can't see 'round the corner

To hang between two thieves in the darkness
Love must believe you are worth it

Appreciating My Man

2011-01-17T14:55:00.005-05:00

Sometimes it's dreadful to be alone. Perhaps I'm exaggerating a tad, but what is it about being alone that's so...lonely? I used to spend quiet, reflective time alone as I was growing up. I remember fondly walking and exploring the arboretum, long drives in the car with good music and time to think, the quiet stillness of hearing my own thoughts and pondering my life. But a lot of those times were before Adam came into my life. It's like solitude gives way to relationship, companionship. It makes sense. It's the way God made us.

Here I am today, married these 11 1/2 years with two busy and sometimes LOUD children and I'm no longer an expert at "alone".

It's on my mind because Adam just returned from a retreat. Only two sleeps without him and we were fine. But it was lonely here without him. I suppose it's a good sign. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Sometimes we refer to these rare occasions as "appreciation weekends". Alas, there is something soothing about having your man by your side and the children snuggly tucked into their beds.

But at the same time I realize the importance of space and quiet "me" time. Even if it just reminds me how happy I am to have Adam - all that he is, all that he brings to our family.

And I'm happy to share him - as long as they give him back. It's the temporariness of his absence that makes it bearable and -- dare I say it -- enjoyable at times (watching a cheesy chick-flick because I can). Because I know he'll be back (atleast that's the plan) and I hope it takes me awhile to forget how much I appreciate the blessing of him. Because this is what love's all about.

Finding the Balance (ASHMWKSFD Part 4)

2011-01-11T13:33:00.006-05:00

It's finally quiet around here. The weeks leading up to Christmas were a blur of activity for me, between school musicals, parties, and all the usual Christmas preparations. Things are steadily getting back to "normal".

This week I have had a mini-epiphany about my adventures as a stay at home Mom with both kids in school full day (ASHMWKSFD). Some may call me an over-achiever. I'm definitely a perfectionist. And most days I have an attitude of trying to do it all. But I had a realization that I don't WANT to do it all. It's been a great blessing to stay home and raise our kids. And I am thankful that without a paid full-time work commitment I have the flexibility to do anything I want. There are no limits.

Originally I think I made my new "role" feel more like a prison cell...laundry, groceries, cleaning, cooking, being a prepared and together housewife. But now I'm slowly realizing that it can be so much more then that. It can be volunteering at school, blogging, ministering to a friend, or attending a bible study, along with all of that other stuff.

It's taken me about 5 months to figure it all out. A reminder that everything is a process. The kids don't go off to school and you all of the sudden figure out how to fill your 9am-3pm time slot. It's been a lot of trial and error. And as expected, God has thrown in His own twists and turns, leading me in new directions.

So consider this an update of my ASHMWKSFD. December was a little bit more crazy and hectic then I wished it would have been. But we live and learn, right? It's all about finding a healthy balance that includes doing God's work, even if the dishes don't get done today. And I am thankful to have a husband that understands and encourages that, as well.

Happy New Year and Happy Anniversary!

2011-01-05T11:02:00.004-05:00

I wanted my first blog post of 2011 to be on my blogging anniversary, but I couldn't really wait another day. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my first blog post back in 2009 meaning I have been writing posts into the bloggersphere for TWO YEARS! I can hardly believe it!

What started out as a curiosity has become a big blessing to me. It has connected me to so many people (you know who you are!). And I am humbled and grateful for my loyal readers, as well as, my many occasional visitors. I continue to hope that you will be encouraged and inspired by what you read!

I am excited about the new year and all that is to come! Each day full of new possibilities and opportunities to trust God! I don't really make resolutions because I think they set you up for failure. But what I do know is that God has a plan for my life and my desire in 2011 is to allow Him to do His thing (instead of trying to do it all on my own -- I know from experience that doesn't work out very well).

So a toast, to friends new and old, to family, and friends that feel like family -- Thank you for your love and support and Happy New Year!

"For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (JEREMIAH 29:11)

Perspective

2010-12-28T15:37:00.004-05:00

Prince Caspian: “I’ve spent too long looking at what was taken away, rather than what was GIVEN.”

This is what we do, isn't it? Dwell on the things we have lost, the pains we have endured, what we don't have. This Prince Caspian quote is from the Chronicles of Narnia movie, "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader". The only line that truly stuck with me from the movie (it was a great movie, by the way). In a lot of ways, the quote says it all.

At every crossroads we have a choice. Just as there are two sides to every coin, there are different ways we can look at things in this life. It's our perspective and I think it has everything to do with how we handle things. The dictionary defines PERSPECTIVE as "a view or vista; an outlook; subjective evaluation or point of view".

It's easy to get bogged down and overwhelmed by it all. Do you spend your time looking at what was taken away? Is the glass half-empty for you? Are you a victim of your circumstances?

We all suffer from this way of thinking one time or another. Sometimes I think it's easier to see the bad. You hardly have to look for it. And some of us our predisposed to be pessimistic. We are grumblers, complainers, and selfish. But we don't have to be. It is a choice and it's all yours. You are in control of how you look at things. You decide if the cloud has a silver lining or not.

May we all have eyes to see the big picture, the gifts given, the blessings received. Because one perspective leads us to the pit (despair) and the other one leads us to life (hope).

What is your perspective?

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." (GENESIS 50:20)

Twas Two Days Before Christmas...

2010-12-22T20:19:00.005-05:00

I just finished reading "Choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman. She is the wife of contemporary Christian singer, Steven Curtis Chapman. In 2008, their five year old daughter was hit and killed by a car in the driveway of their home. The driver of the car was their son, Will. It's an incredible story of loss. I thankfully can only imagine the pain and devastation they have been forced to experience. But the story was also riddled with God moments, which can only be noticed when you are choosing to see them.

After a sermon series at church going through the book of Esther, it would be hard to support a theory on coincidences. As a Christian I believe there are no coincidences. God has a plan and there is a reason that everything happens. Sometimes, maybe most of the time, only God knows the reasons why. There's no coincidence you are here, reading my blog (thank you!). It's all part of God's plan.

Mary Beth Chapman's book would have been a sad, hopeless autobiography if they didn't believe in Jesus. Their daughter, Maria, believed in God and committed herself to Him (to the extent a five year old can do that). With great assurance, after her death, they knew where Maria was. She was in heaven and they would all be reunited with her one day. This gives them hope and peace at a devastating time.

It's fitting to read this story at Christmas time. One day left of school and excitement is in the air. And I'm okay with the fact that our Christmas time is spent giving and receiving gifts and spending time with family. But only in light of the fact that Christmas is a special time of year because of WHY we celebrate it. Although the festivities are fun and making precious memories priceless, Christmas is more then just the birth of Christ. It's also a reminder of WHY Jesus was born and that points us towards Easter. God gave us Jesus as a baby, which was part of His perfect plan. But He knew that Jesus was the Savior of His people and that He was going to die. His death on the cross was a gift of forgiveness and of eternal life.

Wishing my blog friends a wonderful Christmas full of JOY, PEACE, and LOVE! Spend some quality time with the people you love. Embrace the joy of giving gifts with a cheerful heart. May the peace of Christ and the hope his birth brings draw you closer to Him in the coming year.

Merry Christmas!

Your friend, Christy

All The Pretty Things

2010-12-12T21:16:00.006-05:00

Christmas is my favorite time of year. All the lights, the tree, decorations, cookie baking, being with family, Christmas carols, and if we're lucky, snow! I love the way we celebrate the birth of Christ, remembering God's perfect gift to us. I do enjoy coming up with thoughtful gifts for friends and family and seeing their joy in opening something special from me. Can't possibly compete with how God must have felt sending His son out of His love for us.

Every year I try to not get caught up in it all; the Christmas advertising, the big, BIG sales, the best gift, my checking account balance depleting. The holiday stress can turn you into a humbug. So because we're friends, I wanted to share with you my new favorite song. It's by Tenth Avenue North (I know I've been posting a lot from them lately, but they are just so good). It's called "All the Pretty Things" and it reminds me of how easily I can get sucked into the things that don't matter.

We're caught in the in between of who we already are and who we are yet to be.
And we're looking for love but finding we're still in need.
It's only what we have lost will we be allowed to keep.

And we're waiting but our eyes are wandering to all this earth holds dear.

Look at all the pretty things that steal my heart away.
I can feel I'm fading.
'Cause Lord I love so many things that keep me from Your face.
Come and save me.

We run to finally be set free.
But we're fighting for what we've already received.

So we're waiting but our eyes are wandering to all this earth holds dear.

Look at all the pretty things that steal my heart away.
I can feel I'm fading.
'Cause Lord I love so many things that keep me from Your face.
Come and save me.

Speaking of Christmas gifts, this album would be a great one for someone you love!

Shame on Me

2010-12-07T23:19:00.003-05:00

I don't know how to deal with shame. It's not something we talk about a lot with others because well, we feel uncomfortable about it. For years I've been trying to deal with this deep seeded, subconscious yuck. This feeling that paralyzes me. And it's easy to not deal with it by not talking about it. But I know I'm not alone. I know we all deal with shame in our lives. Because shame is a consequence of sin. And we're all sinners after all.

Webster defines shame as "the painful feeling of having done or experienced something dishonorable, improper, foolish; disgrace; a cause for regret, disappointment." We may feel shame when we let someone down. Or when we've made a bad choice, especially if there are big consequences. If you don't let it go, shame can hold on to you for a long, long time. It can be devastating. It can keep you from growing, the way God intended for you.

Why is it so hard to let it go? I don't know the answer to that one. In fact, I'm not all together sure how you get rid of shame, particularly if it's hiding deep inside. But I want to offer hope. I was kindly reminded of God's truth in a way I had never thought of before. It's not that I had never heard it, but I had sort of glossed over it. Never really taking it to heart.

I know that Jesus died on the cross for our sins (1 Corinthians 15:3-4). He became a living sacrifice, our atonement for sin. But there's more to it. Not only did he die for our sins, but he took away the shame that goes with it. More times then I can count I have sung about how Jesus took away our sin and shame. That awful, regret-filled, guilty, shameful feeling is covered by the blood of Jesus.

So maybe that's the road to healing shame. Remembering that shame is something I can give to God. That Jesus died to remove that from me. And holding on to it, well, that's just another one of my sins. It doesn't matter why I feel the shame. But the fact that I am still chained to it, that it still has such a powerful grip on me is wrong.

I just thought I would share. Because I know there are others crippled by that shame. And God offers hope for us, through Christ Jesus.

My chains are gone. I've been set free.
My God, my Savior has ransomed me.
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace.
("Amazing Grace/My Chains Are Gone" by Chris Tomlin)

A Split Second

2010-11-29T16:28:00.004-05:00

Today I had one of those "life flashing before your eyes" moments. Driving to pick up my kids from school this afternoon a commercial truck ran the stop sign and almost drove right into me as I was turning left in front of him. I screamed. I swerved. I am not quite sure how neither one of us managed to hit anything. There was no time for horns. And when it was all said and done we both continued onward as if nothing happened, even though something did. Adrenoline still pumping, hands quivering, tears filling eyes, I took a deep breath trying to pull myself back together. What could have happened, but didn't. The split second reactions that somehow saved me from impact. And I'm fine. Just shaken up. Reminded how it all can change in a split second. How everything we have, even our lives, can be altered, even gone, in an instant. Just one person neglecting to see a stop sign, a bad choice made, a missed step, or a moment of weakness. How there is a cause and effect to everything we do. That we cannot take back words said in anger, an attitude, or even a "first". There are no do-overs. Second chances and grace are a beautiful gift, but they do no erase what's already been done.

I know all about forgiveness. I believe in letting things go. Sometimes it's the very thing we need forgiveness for that is the catalyst for changing our hearts. It's the thing God often uses to save us. To bring us to Him.

So in this time of giving thanks; as we prepare to celebrate the birth of Emmanuel, the One who came to save us all; let us remember to appreciate all that we have, to not take people for granted, and to leave a legacy of love and kindness. That we would live our lives mindful of the choices we make. How one bad decision or even something out of our control, can alter all we hold dear.

Thanks Be

2010-11-22T21:44:00.005-05:00

What does 3rd grade math, turkey apples, bible studies, turning six, and a camera have in common?

Well, they are all to blame (and more) for my blogging "sabbatical". Can't write a blog post when you aren't at home. And I can't say that just because fingers are touching keyboard that I have much to say. My mind is foggy, a whirlwind of activity and I'm having trouble thinking straight. The last few weeks have been really busy and I'm not sure that I like it. Busy just means you are too distracted to sit still. And after writing a blog post about being still I can't say I'm taking my advice to heart.

Thanksgiving is in a few days. A holiday that, unfortunately, begins the crazy Christmas season. Seems difficult to slow down when the rest of the world is amping up, but I'd like to make a commitment to try. I need to take a time out. It's my fault, you know. I'm the one over scheduling and now that my kids are in school full day it's easier to do. Skip lunch, run multiple errands, volunteer here, help someone out there. I have enjoyed all of the things I have been doing. It's just that I need to spread them out over time instead of trying to squish them all into one day.

It's all me. I'm the one who carries as much as I can in from the car so I don't have to make multiple trips. Who cares if I cut the circulation off in my hand or I look like a pack mule. You get the problem. Anyone else out there like that?

So whether you have too much time on your hands or not enough, I want to extend my warmest wishes for a happy Thanksgiving. That as we eat our turkey, mashed potatoes, and cranberry sauce, that we would sincerely remember with thankful and grateful hearts what God has provided for us.

"Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth. Serve the Lord with gladness; Come before Him with joyful singing. Know that the Lord Himself is God; It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves; We are His people and the sheep of His pasture. Enter His gates with thanksgiving, And His courts with praise. Give thanks to Him; bless His name. For the Lord is good; His lovingkindness is everlasting, And His faithfulness to all generations." (PSALM 100)

May I also recommend this book about Thanksgiving by Barbara Rainey that you can read together as a family.

Be Still

2010-11-14T16:42:00.008-05:00

Do you remember what it's like to be still? Only the sound of your own breathing. Maybe the tick tock of the wall clock.

Have you ever sat still outside? In your stillness hearing only nature's orchestra; birds singing, the wind rustling tree leaves.

Sometimes I forget what it's like to be still. So busy I stop hearing the wind rustling leaves. Stillness sounds replaced by car engines, people talking, and screaming kids. There's always something to be done. Somewhere you need to be.

Do we allow the distractions so we don't have to be still?

Are we afraid of stillness?

This morning I sang at church. Well, correction...I tried to sing at church. I practiced many, many times without a problem. But this morning, in the middle of communion, I sang and tears flowed. I can't really tell you what happened. I wasn't having a rough morning. Nothing was really troubling me. But when I sang, the truth of what I was singing became too close to bear. I was overwhelmed by God's truth.

He is here. Be still, my soul, be still. Wait patiently, upon the Lord. Be still and know He is God. He is here.

You want to know what was wrong? I'm terrible at being still. I do not wait patiently upon the Lord. And I'm overwhelmed that He's here. That He loves me. That He takes care of me and my family. That I can see that He is here, in my life and in others'.

This is why I cry. The Holy Spirit reminding me of what I'm not doing. Reminding me of why I struggle so. If only I would trust Him and know that He is here. I mean really KNOW.

I want to be still. To stop worrying about what comes next or how things are going to work out. That I can be still and wait on God. To stop trying so hard to make things happen. Stop being so self-protective. Stop trying to do what only He can do.

May we all find a moment to be still. To hear the things that can only be heard in the stillness. To wait...patiently.

You Are More - by Tenth Avenue North

2010-11-11T21:21:00.002-05:00

Please watch this video. I promise you won't be sorry.

To turn off the blog music, scroll to the bottom of the blog and press "pause".

Enjoy!

Replacing "Ken"

2010-11-04T13:22:00.009-04:00

As part of our marriage ceremony over eleven years ago, Adam and I lit a Unity Candle, symbolizing the joining of our individual lives. Times change, sometimes for the better, and there is a new "unity" tradition some couples are using that I think better represents this idea of "unity". Each taking a different colored sand, they pour their sand into a larger vase. And as the husband pours his blue sand and the wife pours her pink sand, the colors come together. Her sand mixes with his sand. And his sand mixes with her sand. Parts of her and parts of him come together in the vase. They fill in around each other uniting the best of both people. You can still see the pink. And you can still see the blue. But together, they are one vase of sand.

Marriage is hard. Becoming intertwined with another human being, someone who does things differently then you, can get complicated. Some couples may find it easier then others or some couples just aren't willing to admit that they have their moments.

We disagree. We get angry. We misunderstand, misread, make assumptions. We don't communicate our expectations. We assume the worst. We get defensive. We pout, withdraw, and grump about. This is married life. Thankfully, only some of the time.

So as God does, He has been using the moments of tension in our marriage to teach me some things about myself and about being a wife. And I humbly admit to you what I have recently learned.

I'm afraid.

I had this dream of what life would be. I imagined my knight in shining armor husband who loved me the way I needed to be loved. A "Ken" doll who would never let me down, would always put me first, and would absolutely and whole-heartedly adore me and only me.

A "perfect husband" doesn't exist. Just like a perfect Christy doesn't exist either.

A friend said to me the other day that at some point you just need to accept your husband for who he is, even if he's not the knight on a white horse you imagined him to be. Accept your husband. "You mean even if he doesn't..." Yes, accept your husband. "Even if he forgets to..." Yes, accept your husband. "But he promised he would and he didn't do..." Yes, accept your husband. Sigh!

So how do I even do that?

Love him. Encourage him. Stop telling him what he isn't doing. Stop trying to change him. Have faith. Pray.

This quote is so true. "Fear ruins our actions of faith."

God wants us to overlook an offense. He would rather we sometimes choose to "let ourselves be wronged or cheated" (1 Corinthians 6:7). I am all about fairness. But I was reminded today that although God cares about being just and fair he is also merciful, forgiving, loving, etc.

Our fears and our expectations that everything be fair, just, and the way we think it should be get in the way. Fears and expectations get in the way of love, the greatest thing of all.

Adam, please forgive me for not loving you the way I should. I am sorry that when I am motivated by my fears I criticize and pressure you. I love you and accept you for who you are today. I want to replace my high standard dream of "happily ever after" with something more attainable. My dream is you and all that you are. The good, work in progress man that God gave to me. Warts, scars, good, bad, baggage and all. God's perfect gift to me.

Your sand mixing with my sand. That's what I want. Forever.

Excerpt from "Any Other Way" by Tenth Avenue North

2010-11-02T16:37:00.006-04:00

I want to know who you are -
Even if you're falling apart.
Reach in and touch your scars
And all the shame you've kept in your heart.

Because it's not enough just to say that we're okay.
I need your hurt. I need your pain.
It's not love any other way.

Let's not pretend.
Stop your parade -
Trying to convince me that you're alright and everything's okay.
Do you even know Me?

Because I already know who you are -
And all things that kept us apart.
So reach in and touch My scars and know the price I paid for your heart.

A broken and contrite heart I will not despise.
Come as you are and I won't close my eyes.

Because it's not enough just to say that we're okay.
I need your hurt. I need your pain.
It's not love any other way.

Check out their "Any Other Way' video journal.

Am I cool?

2010-10-29T13:28:00.005-04:00

My eight year old has green paint on his red t-shirt. Unless he's decorating for Christmas it's not supposed to be there. Before you think I'm an unfair Momma, you should know that he has a perfectly good art smock in his school bag and we have encouraged him many, many times to wear it when painting at school. So another day goes by and another shirt is branded with paint.

So I ask him, "Why didn't you wear your smock?"

He had several answers. First it was "I forgot." Then it was "It was in my bag." Finally, we got down to some truth. Basically, he doesn't WANT to wear the art smock because NO ONE ELSE IS.

I get that. It's not COOL to wear an art smock when NO ONE ELSE is. At what point do we go from blissfully unaware to caring about whether other people find us "cool" or not? It's a right of passage, I guess.

I could say so much. I could say it doesn't matter what other kids are or are not doing. I could say that you may perceive that not wearing an art smock is cool, but who's the cool one when everyone else has paint all over their shirts and angry Mom's at home and you don't? I could say that you should be happy you have an art smock and paint to paint with and a shirt to get paint on and a school to go to when other people in this world have nothing.

But I guess the part that bothered me the most was he didn't listen to us. We asked him to put the smock on (even though no one else wears one) and he disobeyed. Peer pressure at eight!

How do we teach our kids not to care? How can they be confident in who they are if we aren't confident in who we are? Am I cool? (please don't tell me if I'm not) Am I acceptable?

Who gets the "privilege" of deciding my coolness factor? You give that power to people. And it is a privilege. Not everyone deserves it.

And ultimately it doesn't matter if you think I'm cool enough. I know Who I belong to. And He thinks I'm more then cool enough.

Deciding At The "T"

2010-10-27T12:07:00.003-04:00

I have a very distinct memory of driving in the car with my brother. We decided to take a short cut in an area we weren't completely familiar with. The road ended at a "T" intersection and we had to choose whether to turn left or right. I remember one of us thought left and the other one thought right and since he was driving we went his way. We found our way. Turns out it wasn't the most efficient choice (we should have turned the other way), but we still got to where we were going.

For whatever reason, decision making is something I have trouble with. And I'm not all together sure why. Maybe it's because most of the time we are deciding something without knowing the outcome. How are some people confident in making decisions and others not so much? I'm sure some of it is personality and some of it is faith.

Whether you are deciding what restaurant to eat at or what car to buy or what school to go to or whether or not you should take that job or play that sport or commit yourself to another activity, we are making decisions every day, almost at every turn. Sometimes we are deciding whether to buy the oranges or the apples, but other times we need to make potentially life changing decisions that have a big impact.

Being a Christian, I know the best thing I can do before making a "big" decision is to pray about it. I have even been encouraged to pray about the "little" things, too. Asking God for guidance is what I need to do, but how will I know the answer? I have wrestled with that many times before, wanting God to make it abundantly clear what we should or shouldn't do. And sometimes, we wind up not making a decision at all because we're waiting. Not that waiting is a bad choice, but sometimes we let the deadline pass or the opportunity slip by because we can't seem to figure out what we should do. I wonder sometimes if making a decision, any decision, is better then not doing anything at all.

There are other times when we have made a decision about something only to ponder and question our choice after we have made it. Did we make the right one? Should we change our minds? Why is making decisions so difficult?

Some define a "decision" as "the act of making up your mind about something, or a position or opinion or judgment reached after consideration." I found a website about decision making. They defined a decision in a more practical sense: "The process of selecting from several choices, products, or ideas, and taking action." The most important part of this definition, I think, is the taking action part. Sometimes we just have to decide and implement.

Like the "T" in the road, you can't just sit there staring at the options all day. Sometimes you just have to choose; eenie-meenie or flip a coin or go with your gut. I believe God opens and closes doors. I believe if you are making a choice and you have been praying about it that God will direct and guide your steps. He may not hit you over the head with it. And He may allow you to make the wrong choice so you will learn from your mistake.

The website I found, although geared to making career decisions, lays out 7 steps in making a decision that I thought were valid enough to share with you.

Identify the decision to be made - exactly what are you trying to decide?
Know yourself - what are your strengths, weaknesses, skills, values and interests
Identify options - list the various choices so far
Gather information and data - about each alternative
Evaluate options that will solve the problem - pros, cons and risks of each alternative
Select the best option- may be necessary to loop back and gather more info
Develop a plan of action - and implement it!
(This model was developed by Rick Roberts of the University of North Florida career services.)

Ultimately wisdom in our decision making comes from God. Do you pause long enough to hear what He has to say? I might guess that God doesn't really care whether we buy the red one or the blue one, or whether we have chicken or beef for dinner tonight. But coming to God in prayer, even in the little things, is like going to our parents for advice. He wants to know that we care what He thinks. Boy do I need to do more of that.

Are you a good decision maker? What's your secret?

If you have prayed and asked God to guide you in making a particular decision, how did you know what He wanted you to do?

I'm willing to guess we all have testimonies of how God showed us the way in making a decision. Would you be willing to share?

Why You Do What You Do?

2010-10-21T09:10:00.007-04:00

My husband's alarm clock is set nearly half an hour fast. I think so he can hit the snooze button like a hundred times before he actually HAS to get up.

I need to wet my toothbrush with the toothpaste on it before I start to brush.

Someone I know cannot have their food touching on the plate at ALL costs.

We all have things we do. Some annoying, some strange, some perfectly normal or so we think. Why do we do the things we do? The examples above are silly OCD kinds of things, but we all act the way we act for some reason. Chalk a lot of it up to personality, but that isn't all of it.

In a marriage care group we attend we took a personality assessment test to see what our L.O.V.E. styles are and how they work with our spouse's style. It was an interesting activity and my results were mostly true for me. The thing about these personality style tests is that they don't measure how life experiences, good & bad, contribute to who you are. Would our test results be different if this or that hadn't happened in our life?

The truth is that life experiences, particularly negative ones, have a real effect on who we are, the choices we make, and how we relate to others. Where's the test that measures that?

I think it's easy to look back at the things that have happened in our lives and feel victimized.

"I'm this way because of how I was raised."
"I can't trust because I have never been able to trust anyone."
"People always let me down, that's why I have to do it myself."
"She made me feel bad about myself, that's why I have bad self-esteem."

Do you ever find yourself making excuses or justifying your behavior by blaming someone else? I am not saying that the choices others make don't contribute to why we are the way we are. For a long time I didn't even realize that the reasons I struggle with certain things or why I react to situations or people in a particular way were because of experiences I had in my life. I never connected it before. Like cause and effect, we can be acting or REacting because of issues we aren't even fully aware of yet.

I believe that it is important to self-evaluate. Have you ever asked yourself why you do certain things? Why are you so angry? Why do you have trouble being yourself around others? Why do you take control of EVERYTHING?

Can you connect the dots? Can you understand yourself a little better by figuring out not just what you do, but why you do it?

Self-evaluating isn't where you stop. Once you figure out what you do and why you do it you need to take it a step further. Because if you don't, I believe you will get stuck in that victim, "poor me" place. I think I hovered in the ignorance/self-pity place for a little while and then I read this:

"Sin is sin. A child finds ways to protect or numb herself... But when, as an adult, she allows these behaviors to continue in a way that keeps her from deeply entering into relationship with those she is called to love, she is no longer simply "coping" in a legitimate way. She is violating God's highest commandments. Sin that is ignored or denied lingers like an untreated infection." ("Wounded Heart" by Dr. Dan B. Allender)

As much as I didn't want to hear it at the time, the truth of these statements have stayed in my heart & mind since the day I read them. When traumatic things happen we find ways of coping. There may be completely justified reasons why you act the way you do, but when you know better it's no longer innocence but sin.

If I choose to be an untrusting, self-protective adult that's a sin, irregardless of why I am that way. The key word is "choose". As I said before, some of us, maybe most of us are either in ignorance or denial of why we do the things we do. But if we are making sinful choices, we cannot live the life God wants for us. We are bound and chained by the things that happened to us in the past. If we never move past them, never understand their effects on us, never address the choices we are making because of what happened, then we are sinfully stuck.

I'm not saying that one day you will understand that your lack of trust in relationships was because you never had a trustworthy friend growing up and that realization will magically cause you to trust people again. What I am saying is the realization of your lack of trust, coupled with the legitimate reason that caused you not to trust, will give you insight and motivation to make some changes. Your awareness of your trust issue may help you to make different choices. You may be reminded when you start down a path to distrust that you are not trusting because of someone or something else from the past. Not because all people are not trustworthy.

This is powerful and it's not easy. Realizing what you are doing and why isn't that fun. It might mean you need to forgive someone who hurt you. It might mean you need to work through the pain and trauma of what happened before you can make efforts to change it's effect on your life (this can be done with a trusted counselor). It can be upsetting. You may have been reacting that way as long as you can remember. It may seem impossible to change. And you might be right, if you are trying to do it on your own.

The changes in my life and my husband's life could not have been done in our own strength. God is still at work in our lives, revealing things that are holding us back. Growing and maturing us by encouraging us to work through issues we still struggle with. Change is hard. Making different choices; bold, "unlike us" choices is not easy. It takes a commitment to healing, to obeying God's word, and often, to other people, especially the ones that love us. The Holy Spirit in us can show us the way.

Change is a desire of the heart. God will show us what needs changing if we are willing to ask.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.” (Psalm 139:23)

Why do you do the things you do? Are you held back by things that happened to you in the past? Do they keep you from living the life you were created to live? Are you "sinfully stuck"?

No More Secrets

2010-10-08T11:09:00.007-04:00

PHOTO BY DOROTHEA GRAHAM

Yesterday was a deep day. I blame reading this post about secrets from HOLY EXPERIENCE. It rattled something in me. I was overwhelmed. Maybe because I agree with her. Maybe because my life now is a result of turning secrets into light. I wish I could explain to you all what's gone on in my life. I wish I could share with you the way God changed me. He changed my life. And I don't know how to make that clear to you without sharing the rawest parts of me.

But here's my conflict. We are encouraged to be "real". "Real" is who we really are. Not a mask. Not what you want me to be. "Real" is who I am deep inside. It's my thoughts and my opinions and my hurts and my joys. Some of us just can't go there. Some of us are so guarded and protected inside that they dare not reveal themselves to anyone.

What are we afraid of?

Yesterday, unplanned, I shared my story with a trusted friend. My WHOLE story. The things I allude to. The reality of what I generally refer to. It was a God moment. We cried together. How can you not? How can you not feel overwhelmed when you see how God works and moves in a life? When my friend says, "I don't know how you did it." And I say, "That's because I didn't. God did." And that may sound like Christian-speak, all fluffy and fake. But I MEAN it! In my circumstances, I was not the one in control. The strength and grace to carry on did NOT come from me. I can hardly explain it. I just walked, one foot in front of the other, led from one moment to the next. Now six years after my world came crashing down I can see that it was not because of my own strength. The world is proof of that. Most people would not have made the same choices I made. It was God in me -- and I am on my knees thankful for that.

So that post about secrets gets into my core. Because I want you to see God in my story. Not just because I tell you He was there but because you would see Him yourself. People close to us that knew us "then" and know us "now" can see it. They can see the change. They know something happened. And if you know anything about change you know that it isn't easy. That most people say they can't change. Some people want to change but don't know how. Well our change happened because God made it so. Not because we were capable of that kind of change on our own.

Maybe you don't tell the world your deep secrets or hidden shame, but I think the point is that you can share it with someone or a group of trusted someones. Does anyone know the deepest parts of who you are? Because I have experienced the pain of keeping secrets inside. I have to deal with the repercussions of that now because it effects who you are. It clouds your thoughts, it filters what you hear other people say, it keeps you from trusting other people. Stuffed down secrets can make you sick. They can effect your relationships. They keep you in a place where you feel all alone, like you're the only one. And that's a place that keeps you from moving forward in your life, from letting go, from living life.

You can live without shame and guilt if you can be authentically you in all circumstances. Most of us struggle with what other people think, but why is it that we care so much about that? If you really knew me you wouldn't like me? And if you don't like me because of who I am then why do I want you in my life anyway? We're all broken.

At the end of the day, not being truly you can ultimately keep God's story from being revealed; keeps others from seeing God.

What's the story God is weaving in your life? Why are you afraid to share it? What's holding you back?

PHOTO BY DOROTHEA GRAHAM

By Faith (ASHMWKSFD Part 3)

2010-09-30T14:30:00.007-04:00

It's the 4th week of school and I think, somewhere between the third week of school and now, I have found my ASHMWKSFD groove. I sit here listening to the tip tap of the rain outside because the house is quiet and I can actually hear it. The kids are adjusting and I'm adjusting. You ladies were right, I will still be busy even with the kids in school all day. Getting better at the day to day. Getting things done and not feeling wasteful of my time. It's different. Not bad or good, just different.

I was tucking my son into bed last night when he leaned up to kiss me on the cheek. He said, "Mom, I love you like crazy!" What a beautiful thing! My kids are such a joy to me. I wish I could bottle those moments as a reminder on those hard parenting days.

So I'm in this place where I'm trying to figure out what God wants me to do now that my kids are in school all day. And for whatever reason I'm feeling this great pressure that because we don't have a lot of money that the expectation (not from my husband) is to go out and get a job. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, but I don't know if that's what God wants me to do. I don't even know what kind of job I would go out and get.

I love photography and video editing and writing from the heart. Can I get a job doing that stuff, please?

I love volunteering at school and going on field trips and being involved in my kids lives. I still want to be available to do that. It's important to our family.

We can't have it all. Don't get me wrong, I'm a hard worker. I'm not saying I don't want to "work". I'm just saying going out and getting a job, any old job, just doesn't feel right to me. Not now.

So by faith I'm going to try to take more pictures.

And by faith, I'm going to edit videos for this really kind and generous Christian man that is willing to use me to edit some ministry projects for him. Here's something he shot and edited.

And I don't know what any of this will look like. And I continue to pray, NOT that God will bless what I HAVE decided to do, but that He will lead and guide my path to do what He wants me to do. I don't want to get in the way.

A Forever Marriage

2010-09-28T09:37:00.003-04:00

Adam and I were given the great blessing of attending a Christian Marriage Conference this past weekend. We're always interested in opportunities to refocus and recommit ourselves to each other; and the weekend away wasn't too bad either. Although I'm not at liberty to share much of the specifics about the weekend, I feel like I would be remiss in not saying anything about it.

The truth is, the weekend was a great blessing. And I just can't keep that to myself. It was convicting, eye opening, and overwhelming. So beautiful to meet couples who, in spite of trials, are committed to forever. It was a huge reminder that everyone has a story. "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man" (1 Corinthians 10:13), meaning you are not alone in your struggles. There are people who have endured more or less, but we all have something.

I have written about this before, but somehow when I'm in the middle of a difficult time, a period of time in a process, I forget this important truth. God says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" (John 16:33). He tells us we will have trouble. He also tells us these troubles will strengthen us (in James 1:3).

The idea, the reminder from this weekend, was that we have a choice in how we respond to what happens in our lives. That we can choose to live in a state of praise & thanksgiving. Christian speaker, Ken Poure says, "we can only think about one thing at a time. We can't worry and thank God at the same time." Never really thought about it like that before.

Humans are selfish. We worry about ourselves all the time. But praise is unselfish. It focuses our attention away from ourselves. "God is God and I am not" (Ken Poure). God is in charge! What a relief!

Andrew Murray, a South African writer, teacher, and Christian pastor, once said something along these lines:

"God brought me here. It is His will. In that I can rest. He will make the trial a blessing, teaching me lessons He wants me to learn. In His good time, He'll bring me out again."

I believe this way of thinking keeps us from blaming God when hard things come. It reminds us that we can either be the victim of what is happening or we can let the experience grow and strengthen our character.

Paraphrasing from Ken Poure: It's about sacrificial praise. Surrendering your right to control and your need to know why, your right to complain and groan, and your right to do it your own way.

"If it's happening you need it. Don't argue with God" (Ken Poure).

When I Can't See, I Know YOU Can!

2010-09-22T14:09:00.006-04:00

Sweet face smiling, big blue eyes, two little teeth sticking up from the bottom -- a lovely chance to meet my good friends' precious baby boy for the first time. He is such a happy, easy going baby and when he smiles, it's pure joy!

I've known this friend for many years and I have had the great blessing of staying connected with her no matter where the road has taken her. She and her husband have done their fair share of traveling over the years, living in many different states all across the United States. Settled now for several years in Minnesota, they now have this beautiful (or should I say handsome) addition.

For all of the years I have known her and her husband they appear to be just like any other normal couple. They love each other and the Lord and devoted many years to sharing their love of Christ by working with a music ministry. And they are like any other normal couple, but with one unique twist...her husband, Dan, has Retinitis Pigmentosa. RP is a degenerative, inherited eye condition which affects the retina, resulting in progressive vision loss. Vision deteriorates slowly over time, usually over years. The outer edges of the field of vision gradually disappear leaving "tunnel vision". Over the past several years his vision has been declining dramatically. There is no cure for RP.

Having just had the chance to spend a short 2 days with them I am overwhelmed at all they have to deal with. And I want to express to them how remarkable and inspirational they are because I know sometimes it doesn't feel that way to them. They live with the stresses of RP every day. It may complicate things, but they have done amazing things to make it work. And right now they are at a crossroads. They are trying to make some big decisions and along the way struggling with the reality of this disease. They need support. They need resources.

I am certain that God has a plan for their lives. I am certain that God is going to use Emma and Dan in a special way because of RP. I know there are other people out there living with RP or loving someone with RP and their story is going to inspire others.

It's just so complicated. This world is not set up to support someone with sight problems. But when it feels like there are a lot of "cannot's"; can't drive, can't see details, can't navigate in low light, can't perform every day activities without support --- I know God can see all the "can's".

God, please open doors for Emma & Dan. Lead and guide them to opportunities that will give them both purpose and direction. Make clear the way they should go. Protect them from the voices of uncertainty and hopelessness. I pray that they will trust You, Lord --- that you have a plan and will use them for your glory. I pray they will surrender and be open to whatever that is.

Consider checking out Emma's Facebook Group called "Wives of Husbands with RP".

Love Is In The Meatloaf

2010-09-17T22:30:00.004-04:00

Take a pound of ground beef, some oatmeal, some ketchup, some Worcestershire sauce, and some seasonings; mix it all together; form it into a shape resembling a brick or small loaf of bread; and cook in the oven at 350 degrees for about 30 minutes and voila! You have yourself a meatloaf...atleast that's the way I make it.

I don't like meatloaf, mind you. Even describing it this way sounds as appealing as, I don't know, eating a brick, perhaps? The ENTIRE reason that I make meatloaf at all is because it's one of my husbands favorite comfort foods. I actually enjoy the thought of buying the ingredients and making them into a meatloaf because I know how happy my husband will be when he finds out we're having it for dinner. Add "the best mashed potatoes ever" and some steamed broccoli and he's in heaven! It doesn't take much for some people, I guess.

See it's not really about the meatloaf. It's about the fact that he enjoys it soooooo much. There is love in that meatloaf. It's not about me and the fact that I despise meatloaf (well, maybe that's a little strong of a word to use). It's about the fact that it's one of his favorites and I want to do things for him that make him happy. I love him!

I only wish love could be in everything I make. Because I'm making it sound like I'm really great at loving my husband when in fact, I struggle the same as anybody else. Marriage is about loving the other person and putting them first. It's easy to do that when your spouse is doing that for you, but what if they're not? What if you keep on giving and they keep on taking? How long before you stop making them meatloaf?

God wants us to love each other sacrificially, putting our spouse first. How does that play out in your marriage?

Love isn't just in the meatloaf. It's in the dishes Adam does for me because I hate dishes. It's in the lunch I make him so he doesn't have to make it in the morning. It's in the folded laundry. It's in the ways we serve each other.

But it doesn't end there. Love is not only in the things we do for each other. Love is in the time spent. Even in the activities given up so that we can spend time together. Love is in the intimacy that is shared and not withheld. Love is making connecting a priority.

Love is knowing that the way I feel love is not the same as the way you feel love. And that may be the hardest thing of all.

Love is trying. It's being committed. It's never giving up hope.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
(1 CORINTHIANS 13:1-13)

Really, the reason love is in the meatloaf is because that's what's motivating me. I'm not making it for the sake of making it. I'm not grumbling and complaining when I'm making it because it's not MY favorite dish. I'm not making it BECAUSE he did something nice for me. I made it because I love him, pure and simple.

All this talk about food is making me kind of hungry. Maybe Adam will make me an ice cream sundae? ;)

Guilty as Charged! (ASHMWKSFD Pt2)

2010-09-14T19:49:00.007-04:00

With shopping list in hand I push my cart up and down the aisles filled with food. It's early and not at all crowded...just the way I like it. I bag up my produce, order my lunchmeat, and collect the items I will use to feed our family for the week. This was always an errand I didn't mind running, but it was always more complicated with the children. There were many days when I wished I could run in alone. It certainly wouldn't take me as long...and there would be no stop-touching-that's or come-back-here's to be uttered.

But today, I was alone.

Now if I could just preface this post by stating that I am okay. I am just trying to be real here. I'm not depressed. I'm not sitting in the house all day crying because my kids are at school and no one is here. The reality, though, is NO ONE IS HERE. And I'm feeling so bad these days at being alone. Once upon a time I was somewhat alone. I was independent and made choices for myself. I guess I underestimated how much motherhood can impact you. And I know as time goes on I will figure it all out and I might actually like the alone time. But I have a feeling I'm not the only one that's ever felt this way, so I'm going to share what I'm feeling for those Moms that totally get where I'm coming from.

So back to the grocery store....I'm pushing my cart down the dairy aisle and my ear catches a line from the song playing over the store's speakers. "Blah, blah, blah ALONE". "Blah, blah, blah ALONE". I keep hearing the word "alone" and the voice inside my head says "you are so bad at alone". Then, my cell phone rings ("And I would walk ten thousand miles...") and it's my loving husband who KNOWS I'm ALONE calling in to check on me. And I tell him about the "blah, blah, blah alone" song ("Alone" by Heart) playing over the loudspeakers and how I was just saying to myself that I'm really terrible at being alone and he laughs.

I am not pathetic (atleast that's what I tell myself). I haven't been alone all day in 8 years. I don't know how to be alone. How do I spend my time? Do I do errands and chores all day? Does that mean I'm a good stay-at-home Mom? Can I sit on the couch and read a book? Or watch that girly movie we rented but didn't have time to watch that has to be back at the store tomorrow or we have to pay extra for it (and I'm NOT doing THAT)? Does that mean I'm a slacker? What if other people knew I was sitting on the couch eating bon-bons? Would they even care?

So all of THAT thinking leads me to this blog post about GUILT! There, I said it. Basically I think I'm bad at being alone because I have a guilt complex. I have a long list of things to do. Staying at home is pretty much my job...or was it taking care of the children? Because they aren't here all day anymore. So what am I supposed to do? What does this stay at home Mom do when her kids are in school full day?

And besides guilt there is this overwhelming feeling like I don't know who I am anymore or what my purpose is because my main purpose is at school all day. Becoming a mother is like this identity that seeps into you slowly and before you know it it is who you are. And if you aren't careful it becomes the ONLY thing you think you can offer anymore.

I know that I need "me" time. I deserve "me" time. But what does that look like in the day to day? I traded no "me" time for a day full of it and now I don't even know what to do with myself. I can't even use this "me" time for me because I feel guilty not doing any "work". Is your head spinning? Because I am an over-thinker. Maybe that's why this is so hard for me. Too much time to think.

My fellow ASHMWKSFD's...how do you spend your days? And how do you do it guilt-free? Or is that just a dream I've convinced myself I can achieve? I'd love it if you would share your secrets with me.

ASHMWKSFD Pt1 (Adventures of a Stay At Home Mom with Kids in School Full Day)

2010-09-09T12:14:00.006-04:00

So the first day of school has come and gone. Both children are making their ways through the first days of a new school year. Both like their new teachers. Both have friends they already know in their class. Things could not be going smoother for this new transition...well, except maybe for the Mommy they're leaving behind.

First drop-off was fine until she walked into the school building. As I turned to leave, alone, the tears started to flow. The teacher outside saying "you did that like a pro". I laughed to myself as I pulled my sunglasses down over my glistening eyes. Why do I feel silly crying? This is new for me. 8 years of being a stay-at-home Mom with little ones needing me. And now I walk back to my car alone.

So yes, the first day of school was hard. I have a laundry list of things to do, but I'm having trouble figuring out which to do first. I get easily distracted and almost missed lunch without my little girl asking me a hundred times "is it time for lunch yet?" The first lunch home alone was quiet. I left a little early to pick them up because I couldn't wait to have them back with me again.

Oh, the growing we'll all do this year. It's a process. And I am impatient in the process. It will take some getting used to. I will enjoy the peace and freedom of running my errands and getting my chores done. But the honest truth is, the day isn't that fun without a little one there. So for those Mommies still wiping noses and changing diapers, embrace this time. Enjoy days filled with coloring books and building blocks. Because one day soon, they will be running off to school with lunchbox in hand, waving good-bye and you will be eating lunch alone at a quiet table. **sniffle**

Tune in for the next installment of ASHMWKSFD! Until then, wish me luck...

If you missed reading the Prequel, click HERE.

"Worry" About Worry

2010-08-31T12:37:00.005-04:00

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh.
After careful thought Piglet was comforted by this."
-A. A. Milne

Who knew Piglet and Pooh from the Hundred Acre Woods were so wise?

How many times have I found myself asking what if this or that happened? Sometimes I wish I had Pooh there to counter my thinking with a "what if it didn't".

Stress (worry). Fear (worry). Anxiety (worry). It can consume. It can overwhelm us. Call it whatever you want, but we're all a bunch of worry warts.

Awesome sermon this Sunday by our Pastor, Tony. He was talking about what it means to "fear the Lord" or not "fear the Lord" for that matter. It doesn't mean to be afraid of Him. It needs to be taken within context, but most often it means to love Him or be in relationship with Him.

So why use wording like "fear the Lord"? Well, you might not like this. I know I was really convicted over it.

Think about the things you fear (I know you have some). Fear has a tendency to consume us. Fears take over. We make our fears the thing we focus on. So maybe you don't think you fear much. Well then, what do you worry about? What do you need to be in control of? What in this world do you need to have or fear losing? Whether it's approval from others, a faithful spouse, kids that stay out of trouble, losing a loved one, or not having enough money (and there are many more examples)...the truth is we all worry about something.

But is losing your relationship with God something you fear? Is walking away from Him? Not having Him in your life?

Because whatever you fear and worry about is what you live for, is what your heart is most after. It is the thing you are making your God or idol. (Big gulp over here. And I don't mean the slurpee.)

I hope Pastor Tony doesn't mind me giving you the two big questions he asked us at the end of the sermon. Something to ask yourself as you contemplate worry in your life.

Are you willing to do whatever God wants you to do whether you agree or not? (in every area of your life)

Are you willing to accept anything God says, in any area, whether you understand it or not?

So while in the "quiet" of my day I let my mind wander to all the things that are happening in my life, could be happening in my life, should be happening in my life, I hope WON'T happen in my life, I am overwhelmed by my ignorance. That worrying about any of these things might actually change anything. The things out of my control are not worth the wasted brain space.

So "what if _______________ happens?"

So "what if ______________ doesn't?"

God's in control of it either way.

Adventures of a Stay-At-Home Mom with Both Children in School Full Day

2010-08-24T12:40:00.004-04:00

Welcome to the prequel to "Adventures of a Stay-At-Home Mom with Both Children In School Full Day". Phewww...that's a mouthful.

So my kids have not actually started back to school. That happens next week. But being the week before, it is not far from my mind.

My son is going into 3rd grade, so we're getting pretty used to him being at school. But my youngest, my little girl, is starting full day kindergarten leaving this Momma home alone. The question of the day is "What are you going to do with both kids at school all day?". Hmmmm...sitting on the couch eating bon-bons comes to mind, but I quickly return to reality. Answering this question has been 2 years in the making. The realization that my hour to hour caregiving is coming to an end has made me wonder, "what now?"

I'd like to preface all of this by saying I still have a very important, sacrificial role to both of my children. Just because they are going off to school does not mean, to me anyway, that they need any less of me. I want to be here when they are sick, have a day off, a snow day...as well as available for field trips, class parties, and helping in the school classroom.

I don't know what it is going to be like. I don't know if the peace and quiet is going to drive me insane or if I'll enjoy it. I'm kind of looking forward to more of a balance, between wearing the "Mom" hat (which let's face it never comes off) and the "Christy" hat (which I still need to figure out what that looks like). So I'm thinking the first week will be great...Peace At Last! And then I'm thinking a month into it I may start to feel lonely. I guess I'll soon see.

I should also say that God has been working in my life over the last few years, preparing me and making a way for me to use some of my gifts and talents for Him and for me. So although I don't know what this school year will look like for Mom, I'm hopeful that it will open the door for a little more Christy and a chance to create, give back, and remember what a little peace and quiet looks like.

So stay tuned for more adventures of a stay at home Mom with both children in school full day (I'm going to need to think of a shorter title) to see if I survive...da, da, daaaaaa (that's mysterious cliff hanger music if you didn't know).

GUEST POST from my friend, Matt

2010-08-19T13:12:00.004-04:00

A couple of months ago, an old friend from high school emailed me to ask if he could post something on my blog. He was feeling a burden to share his heart for Christ with others and I decided I didn't want to stand in the way of God's leading. So today's post is from Matt. We graduated from high school together in 1994. Matt went on to graduate from Temple University in 1998 and the University of Phoenix in 2007 (MBA). He sings in the choir and plays in the bell choir at Christ's Lutheran Church (PA). He's had the opportunity to give 4 sermons over the last 5 years at the church, and is prayerfully considering attending classes at either Lancaster Bible College or Westminster Theological Seminary with the hopes of becoming a worship leader/pastor. I hope you will enjoy reading his words and be encouraged by how God took a hold of his life.

MY HOPE AND CHANGE
About 20 years ago, I came to believe that Christ was my Savior – specifically, I became born again in my faith when I began to pray to God for the first time and felt God’s comfort after my grandfather had passed away in the summer of 1992. But just after I graduated college, the passion for His redeeming message was missing in my life. Sprinkle in a few wayward missteps along the way, and my faith in Christ became more of an accessory.

This all changed for me during the summer of 2008. During that time, I started meeting people that had clearly believed in God’s message (one person believed since the tender age of five), and had consequently lived a life of true love and happiness for God. Another person that I met through my workplace had a clear “born again” moment in his life when he started to read the Bible and suddenly realized that his former lifestyle was not giving glory to God daily.

For me, though, the defining moment was when I returned to Camp Innabah later that year and saw the site where I gave my first testimony to a group of friends 16 years earlier. Being there, I started to suddenly realize what a complete fool I was whenever I mistreated someone or if I couldn’t forgive someone for foolish reasons. It clearly struck me that I had been forgiven through Christ’s death and resurrection all along. But thanks be to God! This new found revelation (along with the additions of my new friends) has motivated me to confidently proclaim that Christ is my Savior and to share with others how He died to destroy our sins in order to make us into “new creations”.

One of my heroes is the apostle Paul. I believe he wrote the greatest motivational writings that anyone has ever produced. In 1 Corinthians 15: 1-11, Paul shares with us what is the matter of first importance: “Now, brothers, I want to remind you of the gospel I preached to you, which you received and on which you have taken your stand. By this gospel you are saved, if you hold firmly to the word I preached to you. Otherwise, you have believed in vain. For what I received I passed on to you as of first importance: that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures.” And again, Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 5:17: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”

What has held you back from fully trusting God and making Him the matter of first importance in your life? I would encourage you to open a dialogue with God through prayer, asking Him to reveal and defeat any roadblocks that are keeping you from having a close relationship with Him. The psalmist writes, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts” (Psalm 139:23). Most importantly, meditate on the cross --Jesus loved you so much, my friends, that He bore God’s wrath for your sins on the cross so that you will live again. Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved.

It's a Torpedo, No Wait It's a Booby

2010-08-18T18:33:00.006-04:00

Adam and I had the joy of snorkeling off the red sandy beach at Pinnacle Rock on Bartolome Island in the Galapagos. We visited with the fish and sea turtles and marveled at the sea stars and sea cucumbers. The water was cold and once we made our way around the rock I decided it was time to head back to shore before my arms turned into popsicles. So we began our U-turn back to shore. All of the sudden I hear this loud noise next to me. It actually scared me and I screamed. I didn't know what it was and I was more then a little nervous to find out. So I turned...and did what most normal people do (NOT!). I got my underwater camera ready and started shooting. This was what I found...

So if you turn my blog background music off (pause it at the bottom of the blog) you might actually hear the surprise squeals from both Adam and I as we figured out it was a blue footed booby bird torpedo diving into the water next to us to catch a fish. I obviously did not get him diving head first into the water, but loving that I actually had proof that we swam with a bird. Amazing! I have no idea if he caught his fish or not. But it is definitely an experience we were excited to have had.

Blue-footed Booby facts from Wikipedia:
The Blue-foot dives into the ocean, sometimes from a great height, and swims underwater in pursuit of its prey.
They will point their bodies down like an arrow and dive into the water.
Plunge diving can be done from heights of 33–100 ft (10–30.5 m) and even up to 330 ft (100 m).
These birds hit the water around 60 mph (97 km/h) and can go to depths of 82 ft (25 m) below the water surface.

Celebrating God's Creation - Galapagos Trip Part 3

2010-08-13T13:07:00.014-04:00

Wanted to share with you a few more photographs from our trip to the Galapagos Islands. The beauty and uniqueness of the islands are a testament to the mighty power of our Creator God.

"For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made..." (ROMANS 1:20)

"Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing." (ISAIAH 40:26)

"For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him." (COLOSSIANS 1:16)

"You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being." (REVELATION 4:11)

"The Downs" - Galapagos Trip Part 2

2010-08-09T20:14:00.009-04:00

Our trip to the Galapagos Islands was full of surprises, not the least of which being how incredible the place really is. But just like life, our journey to Ecuador was full of ups and downs. And just like God, He showed up in the midst of them.

I feel like our trip was a journey about trusting God. Anyone who has been on an airplane recently can attest to the unsettledness of flight, especially when turbulence happens. My mind was set on praying my anxieties away and it more then helped. (I don't typically feel uneasy about flying, but when my entire family, including my husband & two children are sharing the plane, it's hard not to.) So thankful for the many prayers said on our behalf because we had very copacetic and uneventful plane rides to and from our vacation...and not a bag was lost (and there were eleven checked bags).

It's hard to describe anything on our trip as a "down", but I would be remiss if I didn't mention my lack of trust and feelings of powerlessness particularly when we first arrived in Ecuador. We stayed in Guayaquil, Ecuador for two nights, although the first night we arrived very late (on their Independence Day). Needless to say, our first experiences in a foreign country were early morning hours and an armed guard riding with us in our hotel shuttle. With our two young children with us, both Adam & I were feeling uneasy about our new surroundings. I was so taken back by my feelings of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear because we were out of our comfort zone. Fear of being in a third world country, of crime...even of my inability to communicate with them (none of us speak Spanish). How easy it was to let those fears turn into judgement. Of a dirty city. Of crazy driving (well, that part was totally true). Of people who were different.

So every cloud has a silver lining. Very thankfully that morning we took a four hour driving tour of the city of Guayaquil with a local named Victor. He was great! Getting out of our hotel, beyond those "safe" walls...slowly my fears began to recede and I was able to appreciate Guayaquil, their lifestyles, their culture, their home. We had a wonderful time and even came away with a restaurant suggestion four blocks walk from our hotel. It just goes to show you that half of fighting the fear of the unknown is just getting out there and experiencing that which you fear. Amazing!

Down number two came in the form of our "cruise yacht", the Letty. It was really nice, slept 20 guests and 11 crew members. It was comfortable, accommodating, clean. The crew was amazing and so friendly. This time fear came in the form of rough seas at night. Not sure there would have been a peaceful place to sleep on that boat. Let me be clear, we traveled in July which is winter in Ecuador (clearly not winter as we know it). Winter in the Galapagos means the winds are up and the water is cold. Winds mean rougher seas (by the way, the crew told us the ideal time of year to make this trip is March). So the seas tossed us about several of the nights. People who don't get seasick got seasick, including me. We slept in the bottom of the boat, closest to the water. It was difficult to sleep soundly (atleast for me). The sounds and movements made a rollercoaster seem tame. Definitely unexpected. Definitely a test to keep my fears in check. Adam and I were in different rooms (each of us with one of our children) so I struggled with the insecurity of being "alone" in my room. Not used to all the banging and clanging noises associated with riding in a boat that size in rough seas.

I want to make it clear that the unexpected sleeping issues truly did not overshadow the awesomeness of our trip. We had to get from point A to point B. So most of us wound up taking some Bonine for seasickness, but it didn't stop us from enjoying each excursion and appreciating the incredible things we were able to experience each day.

The third down (this is a trilogy) happened after one of our excursions on the panga (or zodiak). Upon arriving back to the main boat in the panga my grandmother, without warning, passed out. So at first I asked myself, why is this happening? And then I realized, whether or not this was happening, God was still there and in control. That was His amazing lesson to us that day. She did revive and was carried onto the main boat. We were anchored in a small cove and our crew happened to be friends with another boat that happened to be anchored in the same cove. The other boat happened to have a doctor on board, who they promptly zodiaked over to our boat. Turned out she was just dehydrated. A little rest and a lot of water and she was absolutely and completely fine the next day. I love God's timing. She could have passed out during the panga ride, when we were far from our boat. It could have happened when our boat was not near any other boats, especially with a doctor on board. By the way, I never saw that other boat the whole rest of our trip. So very thankful that my grandmother was okay and we could all enjoy the rest of our trip together.

Being on the boat for 9 days with our Ecuadorian crew was amazing. It is hard not to draw close to people you share precious time with. I love the fact that when I think of Ecuador or the Galapagos Islands, the names of those men come to mind and I can pray for them and their families. Going to the Galapagos was more then just seeing breathtaking scenery, turquoise blue water, and unique animals up close. It was also meeting the people and extending our little circle to include some wonderful people we had the privilege of getting to know in Ecuador. We returned to Guayaquil after our trip to the Galapagos. And we stayed in the same hotel. But 9 days later, there was not a trace of the fear we experienced upon our arrival. There was a new found comfort. When I write that I actually feel bad about it. I'm frustrated that I felt that way in the beginning. Trust in God keeps fears at bay. And I'm so glad for another lesson learned and a reinforcement of why it is so important to trust God in all things.

Gracias, to the crew of the Letty for a wonderful experience in the Galapagos!

"The Ups" - Our Galapagos Trip Part 1

2010-08-05T13:51:00.013-04:00

What comes to your mind when you hear about the Galapagos Islands?

If I were to guess I would say Darwin or evolution. It was in fact Darwin that made the islands famous and basically "put them on the map". But after having been there I can say it is SO MUCH MORE! I didn't necessarily know what to expect. Like most of you, I didn't know a lot about the Galapagos, aside from giant tortoises and finches. Since my experiences there I can say that it is the most unique, beautiful, pristine places on earth. Certainly there is no place like it.

The Galapagos Islands are located off the coast of Ecuador, South America in the Pacific Ocean. The Galapagos is made up of a series of volcanic islands, similar to Hawaii. There is one airport on the island of San Cristobal. The only way to travel from island to island is by boat. We had the pleasure of traveling with a company called Ecoventura. In a weeks time we visited many of the islands including Genovesa, Fernandina, Isabela, Santiago, North Seymour, Santa Cruz, Bartolome, and Espanola.

The uniqueness of this place can be summarized in the variety of animals you can see on each island. Some animals are unique to one island. Some can be found on different islands, but with small physical differences. For example, the marine iguanas on one of the islands are very large. On another island the marine iguanas are black and small. On another island the marine iguanas have red and green coloring on their skin. Most of the subtle differences within a species comes from food and food supply. The large marine iguanas have a vast supply of food so they grow larger. The small marine iguanas live on an island where food is scarce so they cannot grow as big. The red & green (or Christmas) iguanas eat red & green plankton which gives them their unique coloring. Most of the animals are effected by food and island environment and God gave them the ability to adapt to their surroundings.

The Galapagos Islands are isolated. It may be one of the few places on this earth where the world doesn't encroach. People do live on some of the islands, but the National Park Service has put into place very strict guidelines for usage. Even the boats that bring tourists to visit are carefully monitored and tracked by satellite. There are restrictions on where you can swim, kayak, and snorkel. There is a cap on the number of visitors on each island area at a time. There are no trash receptacles on any of the islands (except in the residential areas). The water is clean and clear. The animals are not afraid of people. You may not touch any animals or take anything like seashells or coral. You must stay within 6 ft of the animals, which is actually very difficult since you are walking among the iguanas, blue footed boobies, and sea lions. It's like nothing you have ever experienced.

It really is paradise. The waters are amazing colors...cobalt blue, turquoise, aqua...indescribable! It is peaceful and quiet, except for the sound of birds squawking and sea lions "arfing". The truth is we could have stayed longer. We weren't ready to leave. And our lives are different, changed even, by being in that place, experiencing the majesty and wonder of God's creation together as a family. It was truly a blessing to be there, to meet and know the people of the Galapagos, and to bring home the memories of our short time spent there.

Help an Old Man

2010-07-22T13:53:00.002-04:00

"I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." (MATTHEW 25:40)

Heading for the check-out I saw him go down. An older man, in a red shirt, slipping, falling to the cold, white floor. I could see him struggling to get back up. I saw a woman with a small child, standing at the end of the aisle, looking at him struggling. I started to run. I hoped my son was following behind me. I dropped my things and started to help. I think I made it worse, for this man was much bigger then me. I looked down at his shoe and saw a brace. I didn't know if I could get him up on my own. A 20-something man started walking by with a package of paper plates in his hand. He was watching and walking. I looked at him and ASKED HIM if he could please help. With ease the young man lifted the older man back to his feet. In a matter of moments we all started back on our own way. Me, to the check-out to buy my batteries. Just like that it was over.

The stranger thing about what happened is just a few weeks ago, as I was leaving BJs, I came out to see an old man laying on the pavement next to his van, his old, frail wife trying to lift him back up to no avail. I ran then, too. I helped him back to his feet. I found his shoe that had come off in the chaos. I asked if he was okay, then went back to my car and unloaded my purchases.

Both times my eight year-old son was with me. Both times driving back home afterwards I started to cry. I guess it was adrenaline. It felt surreal. I was happy to help. I was glad I was there. But it still seems odd to me. I go my entire life without helping a single old man back to his feet and within a few weeks I have had to come to the rescue of two.

I told my son that everything happens for a reason. That both times we were there for a reason. There was something to be learned from both situations. Through my tears I told him that I want him to grow up to be the one that helps. Not the one that stands and watches. That I want him, in those moments, to forget about himself and help. I reminded him that God calls us to help those in need. And he gets it. He's a good kid.

So I just want to encourage you today. Someday your Grandmother or Grandfather may need the help of a stranger. One day you may be at someone else's mercy. You would want someone to help your Grandparent, your child, even you in that situation. Please don't just stand and stare. Don't walk by without offering a hand. Show Love.

"A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper. 'Look after him,' he said, 'and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.' "Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?" The expert in the law replied, "The one who had mercy on him." Jesus told him, "Go and do likewise." (LUKE 10:30-37)

Too hot for something profound...

2010-07-09T15:58:00.007-04:00

Summer is in full swing and we have been busy, busy, busy. The summer heat has descended upon us and seeing as we don't have air conditioning, have been doing whatever we can to beat the heat, as they say. We have been fortunate to have free pools available to us and they have certainly been a blessing to us. The other night Adam put in a window unit, but it has been keeping the house at a less humid, but still warm 83 degrees. If it wasn't so beastly I would protest as I hear the sound of money flying out of our wallets. I am actually looking forward to going on vacation to the Equator as I hear it is not all that tropical on the Galapagos Islands! Sea breezes, an ocean at the ready to jump in, and daily water activities are calling me.
Yes, I did say the Galapagos Islands. Another blessing from my parents, they are taking our whole family (11 of us) on an amazing, once in a lifetime trip to Ecuador to tour the Galapagos Islands. We leave in a few weeks. It will definitely be a crazy adventure and awesome opportunity for our kids to witness firsthand the amazing power of our Creator God. I can guarantee many pictures documenting our trip upon our return. Picture taking runs in the family...we're like the paparazzi (no kidding!). I hope the BLUE-FOOTED BOOBY, the GALAPAGOS TORTOISES and the spitting MARINE IGUANAS are ready for us!
I am so confident that each moment will be captured that I usually opt for my video camera instead of the still. I'm also quite sure a movie will be made of our adventures (by me, of course).

Well, that's an update from me. I wanted to let you all know that I'm still around and although the heat has zapped all my profound creativity today, I promise I'll be back another day. Hope you are all enjoying your summers! And asking that you keep our family in your prayers for a safe and meaningful adventure to the Galapagos!

Love, Christy

Taking Off the Training Wheels

2010-06-29T18:43:00.004-04:00

It's sweltering. The sun is shining hot in the sky. We pull into a shaded spot. Little feet hop out of the car, excited with anticipation. A few minor adjustments and the little girl climbs onto the seat. Feet on pedals she trusts her Daddy to hold her steady. And just like that, with a little nudge and a balancing finger on her seat she begins her first ride on her bike without training wheels.

First time's the charm she yells to her Daddy, "Let GO!" and off she rides, smiling confidently. Daddy jogs beside, ready to lend a helping hand. She's a daredevil, that one, and she is not afraid.

So many things running through my mind, the least of which is how glad I am that Daddy is here to jog alongside on this hot day instead of me. I watch in awe, videotape the event, take lots of pictures. This is a big day! And it's a beautiful thing to watch.

She's growing up. She needs us, but she doesn't need us. She can do it, but Daddy's right there in case she falls. After a few laps he reminds her how to use her brakes and how to put a foot down. She goes very fast and practices slowing down. She's getting it!

Doesn't take long for my sweet girl to start riding off curbs, shouting in excitement, "I love BUMPS!". Now who does she take after?

This is the first of many milestones. And she's our baby, our little girl. We are proud and excited for her!

I see her glancing over her shoulder to make sure Daddy's following behind. Big brother cheering her on, "Way to go, Ellie! You're doing great!" She hollers to make sure I'm seeing this. I wouldn't have missed it!

These are the moments we live for as parents. Opportunities to nurture, teach, encourage, and practice. But they are also bittersweet. For all the times in my day to day with them that I wish for a moment I could just sit on the couch and read in peace. Or to make a meal without having to stop to referee an argument or bandaid a scraped knee. And we enjoy the summer, the swimming and the vacation, knowing that before we know it school will be here and my little girl starts full-day kindergarten. And I ask myself, "When did this happen?" and I wonder if I'm ready (not if she's ready, but am I?).

When you wake up in the morning and drag yourself out of bed to make breakfast. When you have a bad day and long for peace and quiet. When you wonder "how did I screw up my kid today?" because you lost your temper or were impatient with them. Let me remind you that you aren't alone. That every day is not a successful parenting day (does that even exist?). When you look down at your Momma body and yearn for what used to be. When you have a date with your husband and wish you just had more time together. It's okay! You aren't the only one. Even the "isn't motherhood so wonderful?" Mommas know there is another side. It is not all well behaved, giggly-happy, obedient, dry diaper days. We all wonder sometimes if we were cut out for this?

But on the other side of the challenging days and moments of self-doubt there are "riding without the training wheels" days that let you know that you are doing okay. That your children are happy and content. That they trust you and need you, even if it's running alongside them instead of still holding on. And one day they will ride off alone and you'll be standing under the shading tree waving proudly, encouraging them to soar, knowing their Heavenly Father will be there to catch them when they go over the bumps!

A Father's Love

2010-06-21T14:54:00.007-04:00

About a week or so ago my husband told me about this song he came across and how it was really convicting. That one of the hardest things for him is exactly what this song is about...leaving that "one more thing".

"There's always just one more thing • There's always another task • There's always I just have one more small favor to ask • And everything is urgent and everything is now • I wonder what would really happen if I stopped somehow • • I'll be there in a minute • Just a few places to go • You wake up a few years later and your kids are grown • And everything is important • But everything is not • At the end of your life your relationships are all you've got • • And love to me is when you put down that one more thing and say • I've got something better to do • And love to me is when you walk out on that one more thing and say • Nothing will come between me and you • Not even one more thing • • There will never be an end to • The request upon your time • It's your place to stand up and tell the world • You've got to rest awhile • And everything is important • But everything is not • At the end of your life your relationships are all you've got • • And love to me is when you put down that one more thing and say • I've got something better to do • And love to me is when you walk out on that one more thing and say • Nothing will come between me and you • Not even one more thing • •"
("JUST ONE MORE THING" by SARA GROVES)

Adam is an amazing father. He's such a natural with kids. I have always been in awe of his natural way of connecting with little ones. We joke that it's because he's just a kid at heart, too, and that may be part of it. There is nothing more beautiful then watching a Daddy loving on his kids. But I think the thing that is so wonderful about Adam is his passion. He wants to be a great Dad. He gives it his all. And the thing that he says he struggles with the most (leaving the one more thing) is the very reason he's a great Dad. It's all in the effort. He is aware of the struggle. He tries so hard to choose home over work. He wants to be there. Be here. Be available. God's blessing has been that Adam understands what the kids need. They need their father. We need to eat, but we need Daddy. We sacrifice so they can have more of him.

He is their strongest example (no pressure there). What is caught and what is taught is a real man, trying his best, working hard, making mistakes but making it right, and love, for his wife and his children. He teaches our son to hold doors for ladies, to be gentle with his sister, to respect his Momma. He teaches our daughter that she is lovely, important, and smart. He is proud of them. He comes to soccer practice and games. He watches the school musical and the awards ceremony. He sleeps, I mean sits through piano practice. He gets up at the crack of dawn so he can come home and eat dinner with his family. He plays in the pool, he rides bikes, climbs trees, he does homework, he reads the Bible with them and prays with them at bedtime. He is the father God chose for them. And he takes his responsibility very seriously.

So when you feel convicted about doing that "just one more thing" just remember that we are just happy it's even on the radar. That you are making a choice to be here. And when you can't be here, we know you are working hard for us and we really appreciate that, too.

Thank you, Adam, for working hard to be the father our kids need. Thank you for choosing to be here and making that a priority. But most importantly, thank you for showing them what love looks like, the love of a father that cherishes the precious gifts that they are. And I know you'll read this and blush and say you don't always do all of these things, but hear this...you try and you try hard and there is nothing more important then that.

We love you, Daddy!

Treasures By The Sea

2010-06-17T11:30:00.008-04:00

Sand between our toes, the sun setting at our backs, we strolled hand-in-hand beside the crashing waves, sea breeze blowing in an evening coolness. It was peaceful, relaxing, and just what we needed.

A gift of time away from our little blessings. A time to reflect, talk, or sit in silence. We were celebrating eleven years of marriage, eleven years of a covenant commitment. It was nice!

As we walked along the Jersey shoreline we were overwhelmed at the number of seashells that had washed up. We don't normally go down there this early in the season. By Labor Day, we are lucky to find a whole clamshell and a couple of pieces of seaweed. As we continued to comb the beach we came upon a cluster of shells that at first glance looked like complete chaos. Chards of shells piled on top of each other. But as we approached the pile, got down on hands & knees, a very different story was revealed. There were hundreds of whole shells; tiny whelks (commonly called conch shells), scallops, a couple of Augers, Wentletraps, slipper & moon snail shells all clustered together. I never saw so many in one place. (FACT OF THE DAY: The whelk is the NJ state seashell.)

So as we sorted and searched to find a treasure we were struck by the amazing intricacies of each shell, particularly the teenie-tiny versions. How could anything be that small? And in those moments we had some perspective. Between remembering how our awesome God created every living thing (even the teenie-tiniest seashell) to the vastness of God's love & knowledge of each and every one of us. Like the pile of shells that looked like chaos to us, God can see each and every shell, knows every grain of sand. He knows. When he takes care of the tiniest details of the seashells, each unique in color, size, twists, patterns...how can we ever feel like God doesn't see us? Doesn't know or care about the tiniest details of our lives?

It was relaxing that evening being on the beach, listening to the calming lullaby of the ocean waves, smelling the sea breezes, and hearing the familiar squawks of the seagulls above. And picking seashells started out as a search for the perfect, whole shell and quickly became an opportunity to see the beauty in all of them, even the broken ones. The interesting ways the sea changed them over time, made some smooth and polished. Broken pieces with brilliant purple or textures & ridges warn by the waves. It didn't matter anymore if they were whole. They were still beautiful.

I'm sure you know where I'm going with this. God doesn't make mistakes. He doesn't throw out the imperfect, the broken. He is not a collector of the whole. He made us. He knows we are all broken. And like the shells, once we are broken we cannot be whole in the same way we once were. The only way to become whole again is through Jesus Christ. If you mend a broken shell together with glue the crack is still there. We all have scars we carry, battles we have fought, brokenness we often try to hide. But God knows it's there. He is a Healer and a Redeemer.

And we are a beautiful treasure in His hands.

Photography

2010-06-16T14:10:00.005-04:00

My blog contest led to an opportunity to take pictures for my friend Amy and her family last Sunday. It was a lot of fun and they are happy with the results. If anyone is interested in setting up a session (Philadelphia, PA area) with me, feel free to email me at christynadam@aol.com or leave a comment on my blog. I'd love another opportunity!

Love, Me

2010-06-11T12:48:00.004-04:00

"Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become.
Who will love me for me?"
LOVE ME - by JJ Heller

The sun shone bright in blue skies. The day began with a bustle, running here and there. Last minute this...shower, hair, make-up, dress. I'm guessing most wedding days start out that way. An afternoon wedding, we said "I do". Did we really know what all of that meant?

We agreed to a dream. An expectation. An idea of what it might be like, would be like. We came with our own baggage, acquired from years apart and years together, from childhood, teen years, and college. We had dated for six years. This was a natural next step. And it felt like it was about time.

We remember the big events. Weddings are definitely one of them. Looking back on eleven years of marriage, seventeen years of being "a couple", and twenty-nine years of knowing each other (we met in first grade). Wow! We had a lot of time. A lot of history. None of it could prepare us for all that life would throw at us. But we are no different then anyone else. We all have our valleys and mountains. That's why the vows spell it out so clearly. We aren't in it solely for the good, successful, rich, healthy times.

Would you do it all over again? This is an unfair question. Why even consider an answer. Of course. This was The Plan. This was the one chosen for me. This was the story God was telling. Willing characters. The story isn't over. There is still more to be told. Yes, He knows the ending. But for now, we will just have to wait and trust.

"We might not be able to see the end of the story. But we can trust the Storyteller."
(JOANNA WEAVER "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World")

Thank you, Adam, for being my husband for better or worse. Thank you for allowing God to work in your life. Thank you for surrendering to the story He was writing. It's much better then anything we could have come up with on our own! Thank you for your love today, for striving to be the man God calls you to be, and for fighting for our marriage. Thank you for the many times you leave "the other thing" to make our family a priority. Thank you for wanting to be the man I need. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for loving me for me.

Happy Anniversary!
Love, your forever wife,
Christy

Dive Through Or Let Go

2010-06-02T22:19:00.007-04:00

Marriage. For better, for worse. For richer, for poorer. In sickness and in health. The vows spell it out for us. The words remind us that both happen. It's not all cloud-free days and a bouquet of roses. Why are we ever surprised when the wave knocks us over? We know it's there. We knowingly choose to get in the water. Sometimes we see it coming. Sometimes it sneaks up on us when we're not paying attention. Then, WHAMO...we toss and we turn. For a moment even we might not even know which way is up. Hopefully we remembered to take a big breath before we went under or else we're gasping for air. If we're lucky we pop back up to the surface and all is calm again. And we float. And we enjoy the calm. And we get ready because another wave is coming. The ocean waves crash one after the other and then there's a calm. Like they need time to regroup...or they know we do.

Today, I take a breath. A slow return to my feet. I was swirling about in the wave, but my feet have at last found the sandy floor. It started with a small wave, enough to knock me off balance a bit. A wave of stress, followed by a tired and a burdened and a plate too full hit me. This is life. This is what it's like to be a human. This is living out the vows. This is feet digging deep in the sand when the currents want to take you away.

But I'm thankful. Thankful he's still here. Thankful he didn't wash away with me. Thankful that the wave didn't keep me under for long. Maybe it's the perfectionist in me that thinks this shouldn't happen. Maybe it's the very thing I need to open my eyes and remember that I'm not in control. As much as I try to keep my feet under me I can't keep the wave from knocking me under.

Oh, there are times when I see it coming. It's big and ominous. And I take a big breath and dive through it head first. But then there are other times when I see it coming and I just hold my nose and let it come over me. And I don't fight the wave. I let it swirl me around and even though it feels like chaos I trust that when it passes over me I will come up again for air and be mostly unscathed. I know my diving through it is me controlling, self-protecting. The sooner I can get through it the sooner I'll be standing on two feet again. But is that the best way?

There is something freeing about letting go in that wave. About letting yourself be tossed about. And trusting that it will be okay. Trusting not in yourself. Believing in the plan God has for you and accepting it, whatever it may be.

Like the rhythm of the ocean waves on the sand...struggle, rest, struggle, rest...this is the rhythm of life. Don't dive through. Just let go!

The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
The LORD protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.
Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you. (PSALM 116:5-7)

GUEST POST - "My Daddy's Empty Chair" by Carolyn Ruch

2010-05-26T10:45:00.005-04:00

Today's post is a GUEST POST from my dear friend, Carolyn. She has a blog called Tamar's Redemption. She is a wife, mother, and "published author who is passionate about equipping parents to face twenty-first century realities, protecting children from sexual abuse, and encouraging survivors toward healing on this side of heaven." I'm hoping that by posting her story it will encourage someone today. (Thank you, Carolyn, for allowing me to share this story on my blog.)

MY DADDY'S EMPTY CHAIR
Posted by Carolyn Byers Ruch at 11:49 AM
Wednesday, November 11, 2009

*For my facebook friends: As many of you know, I speak to everyone I can about the epidemic of Childhood Sexual Abuse, because sexual abuse can only thrive where there is silence and ignorance. It is for this reason that I shared my story on my blog today, and with all of you.

It was a Sunday afternoon not unlike most on our dairy farm in south central Pennsylvania. The day was warm and sunny, the grass was green, and the farm was alive with the fellowship of relatives visiting. Conversations about the price of grain, the newest neighbors down the road, and the topic of the morning’s sermon were shared in a relaxed atmosphere by people seated on lawn chairs enjoying bowls of homemade ice cream and glasses of chilled homemade root beer.

I loved days like that. All seemed safe and right in the world, and through a child’s eyes – innocent. Yet a trip to the hayloft with my older sister and a teenage hired field hand would begin to wake me from my naive cocoon.

The barn was a fun place to play, a huge playhouse that with any imagination could become a castle, a classroom or an amusement park. I especially liked the hayloft. There I could jump, fly through the air and somersault without ever receiving a scratch. Oh, the hay could be irritating if it got caught between my clothes and skin, but the time away within my fantasy world was far more worthwhile than the time it took to shake the hay from beneath my clothing.

It was there, while playing with my sister, that the hired hand coaxed, “Come on you two, just pull down your pants and let me put some hay in them.”

I looked at my older sister. She was five years older and blossoming into a beautiful young lady. Tall, thin, and lovely, everything this kid sister wanted to be. Yet in this delicate time in her life when maturity forged ahead with no promise of innocence returning, she froze. Unwarranted shame held her captive.

I looked at the hired hand. My mind screamed, “This isn’t right!” My stomach churned. I wanted to flee.

“No.”, I said to the boy. “No!” I turned to my sister. “I’m going to tell Dad!”

Determined, I raced from the barn toward safety, toward the only protector I had ever known.

There was my dad, seated in the circle of chairs, chatting away as if there was all the time in the world. No need to rush, only listen and respond with an occasional hardy laugh. “Daddy, Daddy, Tom is in the hayloft and he’s trying to put hay in Sally’s and my pants.” My father’s jovial face turned stone cold, and the mood of that lazy Sunday afternoon ended abruptly as my father bolted from his lawn chair, his destination unquestionable, his mission sure.

My safe little world returned within the hour. I never saw that troubled young man again, and I never had to worry that the hayloft wouldn’t once again be whatever my imagination would dream it could be. And it’s all because my dad got out of his chair.

Protecting children from sexual abuse is never a child's job, but an adult responsibility. Speak to the children in your care about how special their bodies are, and that no one has the right to touch them where their swimsuit covers. Let's all get out of our chairs.

Here is a link to a recommended book for anyone dealing with their own childhood sexual abuse or the childhood abuse of someone they love:
The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse
By: Dan B. Allender Ph.D.

"Love Patrol"

2010-05-23T18:06:00.001-04:00

"LOVE PATROL," I read. Before I know it I realize I'm staring at some girl's butt. I divert my eyes, slightly embarassed that I'm reading someone's derrier. I internally roll my eyes. All I can come up with is WHY? This isn't the first time. I've seen the written word wiggling and shaking down there before.

A trip to the waterpark this weekend is all the reminder I needed that this world is in serious need of some modesty. Good luck to any man, any boy for that matter that dares to have a nice day at the beach or some fun on a waterslide.

I'm thinking we need a revolution. Is anyone else with me here?

Either people are clueless or they just don't care. No lie, the other day at the gas station a girl was wearing a shirt with two big eyes strategically placed "you know where". Are you kidding? "Look into my eyes...not the ones on my shirt!"

What happened to modesty? Too-tight shirts, mountains of cleavage (excuse the pun), short shorts...everything is getting smaller and tighter. Just because you are covered with cloth doesn't mean you aren't accentuating your "curves". I'm not asking anyone to wear a burka (although I did see a waterproof one at the waterpark) I just think we could be a little more mindful about what we are showing the world. If only we viewed our bodies as a God honoring temple maybe we would be more protective of it.

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." 1 CORINTHIANS 6:19-20

Are we being intentional about what we choose to wear? Are we thinking about what people are going to see? In this world of sexual abuse, infidelity, and even rape are we thinking about who is looking at us and whether we are okay with that? We SHOULDN'T be okay with that.

Parents, are we teaching our children, girls AND boys, about modesty, privacy, appropriateness? What about respecting ourselves and the opposite sex? We have a huge responsibility to our kids to talk about this. Do we set good examples of modesty in how we dress? Do we guard our eyes from things we shouldn't be looking at? Are we causing someone else to have to guard their eyes?

I obviously feel strongly about this. It's not something you hear discussed a lot. You may not agree with me. Or you may be one of those people that never really thought about it until now. It doesn't take long to become desensitized to the inappropriateness of this world. Do you even see it anymore? Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Do you worry for your son? your husband? Temptation is everywhere. As much as I see a need for modest dressing I also believe there is an equal responsibility to not look. I just feel like there is less to "look at" if there is more modesty.

So come on girls! Cover up, loosen up, buy the longer shorts, the scoop neck instead of the V-neck, don't wear words on your butt...it's a revolution! Who will join me?

I love you, I hate you

2010-05-14T10:13:00.006-04:00

I have a love-hate relationship with money. Maybe you can identify? It is the perfect "worry trap". You need it to live. Most everything in this world costs something. Not much is free anymore. You can't live without it.

I know it's a heavy subject because God even writes about it in His word.

"The love of money is a root of all kinds of evil." 1 TIMOTHY 6:10

At first you might think this is kind of an extreme statement. The "root of all kinds of evil"? Seriously? Think about it this way...God is good and money easily distracts us from Him. If we're depending on money and NOT HIM that's a sin. Do you have more then you need? Are you a good steward of not only the money you have, but the things that you have? Are you generous and willing to share? Consider the place you put money in your life.

There is an area for me that God has been convicting me on lately and that's DEPENDENCE ON HIM. I may think I'm depending on him, but any time I worry or try to control something I'm not. Dependence comes from not only knowing that you can't make it through this life without Him, but actually surrendering those things that keep you from dependence on Him.

I don't know if I would consider myself a big worrier. But there are certainly areas that are the chink in my armor. Money is one of them. I could make excuses and justify myself and maybe you would agree they sound legitimate. I have children. They have to eat. We have bills to pay. We need a house. We need clothes and shoes. There's a field trip at school to pay for and soccer registration. It piles on and if we aren't careful it can bury us alive.

The past few weeks are a great example. When one thing happens after another the worry builds. Our oil burner died this week. I mean died, red tagged, disarmed, DIED. If you have ever had to replace your heater you know that it's no small financial task. Adam's truck needed new brakes. Our van needs an inspection in June and the muffler needs to be fixed. (I sound like Mario Andretti driving my son to school each day.) We just got Adam a "for work" phone in January and the other day he fell backwards at work, landed on his phone, and cracked the screen (thankfully he can still use it, for now). Let's not forget the stress of Ellie's tonsil surgery (which was thankfully covered by insurance). This is the perfect "money worry" storm.

The sad fact is, big or small, expected or unexpected, my money worry meter is usually always running near the red. Maybe it plays into my control issues because most of the time it's out of my hands. The only thing I can control is how we spend our money, but even then it gets tricky. How do you decide what you need vs. what you want? The more you think about it the more the lines start to blur. If you over-analyze it, you start to worry. When you start to feel helpless about your situation, you start to worry. It can paralyze you. It can distract you from the truth.

"Put your hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment...Be generous and willing to share." 1 TIMOTHY 6:17-18

There comes a point when I either turn to Him or try to do it on my own. I don't want my life to be all about the next paycheck. I don't want my money, or lack there of, to be a test of God's provision for me...a sign of how much He cares for my family. I want to know in my heart that He will provide, that He will make a way for all our needs to be satisfied. He already has...is!

My other antidote for worrying about ANYTHING is thankfulness. I cannot let myself get overwhelmed at all the things I need and don't have. I MUST remember that what I have is MORE than enough. When my heater breaks and I don't have hot water I realize that it is a luxury not everyone has. There are people in this world who don't have ANY WATER. We are so used to having it all that our wants get clouded into our needs and we can pretty much convince ourselves that we NEED everything.

With God at the center, surrendering and trusting that He knows what we need and has promised to "provide us with everything", how can we justify worrying about ANYTHING, let alone money?

Please, Lord, help me to be satisfied with what I have. Help me to be wise about what I need and what I want. Help me look to You, depend on You, for everything I need. Help me to trust that you will provide it when I need it the most, in Your perfect time. And please give us the wisdom to make good choices with our money without letting ourselves fall into the sin of worry over it.

A Beautiful Day To Take Some Pictures

2010-05-09T13:44:00.007-04:00

What a beautiful Friday morning to take some pictures! My blog contest winner, Jen and her family met me at Prophecy Creek Park in Blue Bell, PA for our one hour photo shoot. Here's just a sampling of the results.

The Dirty Come Clean

2010-05-06T13:06:00.006-04:00

I lugged the damp and heavy clothes out of the washing machine and into the basket. Clothes once covered in dirt (and who knows what else) from a hard days work. I heave the heavy load on my hip and carry it outside. The breeze is strong, the sun is shining, and the air smells spring fresh. As I begin to pin each piece one by one on the line my mind makes a connection to something I've been mulling over these past few days.

We all carry our own load. Sometimes we let other people help. Sometimes we heave it alone. Sometimes we leave our unmentionables spinning in the dryer while the "more appropriate" things hang on the line. Are we clean enough? Will we ever be clean enough?

There is a beautiful song by Sara Groves called "Different Kinds of Happy" and simply stated it's about "Intimacy".

"go on and ask me anything
what do you need to know
I'm not holding on to anything
I'm not willing to let go of
to be free, to be free

I've got to ask you something
but please don't be afraid
there's a promise here thats heavier
than your answer might weigh
baby it's me, it's me

it's a sweet, sweet thing
standing here with you and nothing to hide
light shining down to our very insides
sharing our secrets, bearing our souls,
helping each other come clean

secrets and cyphers
there's no good way to hide
there's redemption in confession
and freedom in the light
I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid

better than our promises
is the day we got to keep them
I wish those two could see us now
they never would believe how
there are different kinds of happy"

When I hear the song I think mainly about my relationship with my husband. Until about 5 1/2 years ago we really didn't have intimacy (and I'm not talking about the "act of intimacy" here). We lacked that open sharing, connecting, "bearing our souls" kind of relationship the song describes. I don't know if I thought we were doing it then or not. Maybe I didn't realize how important it was. Experiencing intimacy with another person is freeing and honest and a God thing. Do you have this kind of intimacy in any of your relationships?

And with each piece of clothing the line starts drooping more and more and pretty soon I'm searching for a prop to lift the line up.

This intimacy can be brother & sisterly, too. A place where you can share the truth of who you are with another friend. There is power in getting lies out of your head. If you keep it all in, if you hide who you are and how you feel, then you are in bondage. You will be held back. You will not have joy. You will feel tired and defeated. I'm thinking about the accountability my husband has with his best friend. A relationship built on a "this is me" foundation. A weekly appointment with each other where they share the burdens of this life with each other, admit their struggles, and look to the other for encouragment, support, and sometimes rebuke. A band of brothers. A paracleet. An accountability partner.

You know the sin and yuck you hide inside. You know the lies you believe. You know the chains you carry. Do you bring them to God? Do you allow yourself to "feel clean"? Can you hang it all out on the line, even the unmentionables? Are you afraid? Do you admit them to your spouse or good friend? Do you allow your spouse or friend to be a prop for you when things feel really heavy? Can you ask them to help you with the load?

The clothes are clean. The wind blows them dry. The prop keeps them from getting dirty again. They smell like fresh air. And when I take them off the line I know they get clean to get dirty. We will meet back at the washing machine again next week. But there is always hope for clean clothes and a place to go to wash them.

We have hope and a place to go, too. I encourage you today to reach out to God with your burdens. Become clean through sharing with a friend. Have an honest, soul bearing relationship with your spouse. It's not a question of do you want to, but that you have to.

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." JOHN 8:32

Broken

2010-04-29T14:28:00.014-04:00

I am sitting at the computer, as I often do, typing, searching, editing, connecting, when my sweet Ellie girl comes up to the desk, doll in hand. She's frustrated because this porcelin doll (also named Ellie) won't stay upright on the stand. Ellie the doll is a "look at" doll, not a "play with" doll, but don't bother explaining that to Ellie girl. It sat on top of her bureau for only a short time before she had her down and off that stand embarking with her on a little girl adventure.

But today was different. Today she brought me Ellie doll and as I worked to get her to stay upright on the stand, with scrunched up face Ellie girl told me she didn't want her anymore. Months ago, on one of her adventures Ellie doll's leg broke off beyond fixing. All that was left was a piece of metal sticking out from beneath her purple dress.

When I asked Ellie girl why she didn't want the doll anymore she simply said, "She's broken."

Hmmmm...not so much fun to play with now that she isn't whole. And I think a thought probably lost on my five year old Ellie girl.

"Aren't we all broken?"

So I try to explain that even though Ellie doll is broken that she can still love her. That even Ellie girl and Ellie girl's Momma are broken. She laughs, but I'm not joking. We all have something holding us back. Some scar we're hiding. A blemish we cover up. There is something within each of us that makes us feel broken and unloveable. It's our weakness, our secret sin, our shame, our guilt. It's the "real" you.

I explain beyond the laugh that even when Ellie girl doesn't obey or when Momma gets frustrated & yells that we are still loved. That she is still loved. We are as imperfect as the doll with the missing leg. It may not seem practical to play with a doll with a metal stump for a leg. She has a point. But throw her away? She's not worthwhile anymore because she is broken? No.

The lesson seems lost on her, but not to me. Do we seek perfection because that's when we'll be loveable enough? Do we hide our imperfections because if someone were to find out they might discard us? Do we grasp the fact that we are loved, just as we are, broken and sinful?

The poor doll cannot be mended, but that does not have to be our fate. God is in the business of restoring people. He breaks chains and mends hearts. He makes all things new. He sees passed what is broken. You are not your mistakes. You are not broken beyond repair. Love will find you.

Here We Go Again (Ellie's tonsils)

2010-04-21T13:54:00.003-04:00

This is an addendum to my tonsilectomy updates. Apparently, as part of the healing process, a scab forms on the back of the throat and at some point, between the 7th-10th day, the scab comes off. Well, the scab in the back of Ellie's throat started coming off on the 7th day and although at first we went from no pain to having some pain, it quickly turned to excruciating.

Difficult to go from feeling almost normal to being in excruciating pain again. It's definitely part of the healing process so there is no worry there. I'm just feeling frustrated because my five year old cannot articulate her level of pain. And then it became obvious that it was time to go back on the Tylenol with codeine. So we are back to her upset about it hurting, having trouble eating normally, and fighting over taking the medicine (a battle I thought we were done with). I have no idea how long the pain will last. I guess it's like any scab, when it comes off the skin underneath is tender and sore, but eventually it feels better.

Ellie's follow-up appointment with the surgeon is next week (2 wks after the surgery). I have a lot to share with him. The least of which is whether she is healing alright. I have felt very alone in this and ill-prepared for what to expect. Maybe if I knew what to expect we wouldn't have gone through with it? Well, we still would have gone through with it. I know it was the best choice for her. I just feel like I needed more information then the generic post-op paper they give you before the surgery.

I know the end is near. Thankfully, this is temporary. But now I have a new appreciation for parents who have to walk with their child through a long-term illness or disability. I am amazed and awestruck by their strength. And I am thankful that overall my children are healthy and soon this will be a thing of the past. Not everyone gets to say that.

Please, Lord, be with those parents nursing, advocating, loving, and supporting a child with a long-term illness or disability. Give them strength to make the right choices for their children. Help them to persevere when their children are sick and suffering. Give them rest from the stresses of being parent and nurse to their child. Bring loving friends into their life to share the burdens with them. But most of all, God, be present in every moment, that your will be done, and let all the glory & praise be given to You. Amen.